Emily by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A father hunts down the man who abused his daughter online. 9 pages - pdf, format

Hey Richard

Typo top of page 2. Ralph says 'Look, I don't know you are'. Missing 'who' I think?

Interesting story.  I didn't buy Ralph's story of self hate though, it seemed to lack belief.  Maybe a bit more emotion in his actions; crying perhaps?  Maybe you played it this way though as Ben obviously didn't buy it either?  The end did confuse me a little as Ben gives a big speech about leaving Ralph in his own hell but then immediately changes his mind.

I'd also say its a bit long at 8 pages.  The story doesn't really need to be this long.  Overall though the story is a relevant piece.  Cyber chat is a dangerous forum...who are we really talking to?  I'm not really a dangerous finger in an ink mask lol

SPOILERS:


Ralph's a nicely drawn villain - usually the instinct is to feel sorry for someone who is disabled and perhaps with prejudice assume them to be humbled by their position. The set up with this character, the dog (the dog knows evil when he sees it) and the kid's ball is artfully created. The fact Ralph's a VET (as in Veteran, not doggie doc) adds another dimension.

I think you could have left this out: he’s as unappetizing as vomit. It's overkill, you already described him pretty well without it.

Technical point: You should CAP where Ralph refers to BEN as 'dad' - it replaces his first name so should be Dad. As in below:

RALPH (CONT’D)
Let’s talk about who did what for
whom, dad.  

When you introduce the doubt in this line:

RALPH
Ever hear of turning a computer
into a bot?

That's terrific, for a moment your audience does too. But it's shortlived and we go back to villian and avenger. Ralph is one nasty character, apparently amoral, without any empathy for anyone else due to his lot.

Comparisons will naturally occur with Dustin's recent 'short' Disassociation, both cyber stories, and a similar set-up, yet this one's a little more blatant in its approach.

Around page 7. Ralph's big long speech needs editing imh. You're losing me here because of the repetitiveness and it goes on a little long. Then Ben's line: -

There’s no one in your life
is there?

- Seems redundant and a bit silly, makes Ben look a little like he's not been paying attention, considering Ralph just gave him his life story re the wife leaving etc.

In the end I'm left thinking Ralph wins - someone did indeed put him out of his misery, and now Ben's going to be in another world of pain himself apart from his first tragedy (daughter's death) being carted off to gaol, I suppose that's the whole point but it left me dissatisfied - a hollow victory.

Ralph's a character without redemption and in his own world of pain - leaving him tortured and alone seems the better option for Ben (but only for a minute) Ralph's last words directed at Ben prove it's not only about Emily at all but about Ben's pride too in being compared to his 'useless' daughter and also the possibility and realization he neglected her/feelings of guilt etc.

I would, I suppose, have preferred it if Ben took the higher ground and Ralph was indeed left to rot in his slovenly lonely existence - I think that might have been more powerful especially if Ralph had followed Ben out in his scooter and down to the front gate begging Ben to kill him - then left the justice up to the law.

I realize in the end it's human nature, perfectly plausible Ben would shoot him but film is film, bigger than life - for me this is too convenient an ending and it wasn't entirely unexpected which I think is the point, that we're not supposed to see it coming, I think part of the reason it doesn't work is because of the longer dialogue sections - perhaps back and forth between the two characters verbally fighting it out and presenting their sides might have aided in the misdirection instead - and then the wham! - shock moment.

I love the set-up.

Yeah I read this and didn't really like it. Way too similar to mine. Too much talking. Made me skip to the end to see how you ended it and I didn't like that either. Too safe, too simple.

Not one for me, but I'm biased.

Ah, good to see scripts up that aren't from the OWC again. My thoughts below -- all completely subjective:

The parallels to Dustin's "Disassociation" also popped into to my head while reading this one. While Disassociation had dimension to it, this one was just too cut and dry for me to like it.

Straight from the opening scene and character description it's hit into our heads how we're supposed to hate Ralph. His character description isn't just villainously overdone, you also compare him to vomit, technically telling us that we're supposed to hate him. It might make sense, but it feels artificially overdone and that same feeling continues up until the very end of the short.

I'd say that there definitely is something interesting about Ralph's character and how he literally just doesn't seem to care, but it doesn't work for me if he's made out to be too evil.

Apart from the really simple definition of good and bad, there's nothing in here to set this short apart from any other revenge story. The only moment there's doubt on whether Ralph is guilty happens in a split-second and then disappears. The "he couldn't have known that" device for the reveal also feels too easy. It also makes me think that doubt is only there for the protagonist. We've seen the scene with the boy and the dog. How can we possibly believe he's not the villain? The dialogue also seemed like pure exposition and it felt patronizing, to me, how every detail was spelled out and constructed to make us root against Ralph more and more. Particularly the lines spoken by Ben had that patronizing effect on me, interestingly enough.

I probably owe you to say something positive -- and I really did think that the writing flowed well and quick as they usually do with your shorts.

My recommendation would be fleshing out both characters and thinking of an unique angle that the short could offer. Something to make it stand out from a simple revenge story -- or alternatively, add some interesting touches and twists along with beefing up the characters to be more than just faces of good and bad, to make it work as a simple revenge story.

Hope this is useful to ya, Richard. Good luck.

I thought it was pretty good.  It was very similar to Dustin's story.  Very similar.

Dustin's was better.  Why?  Because his characters weren't so cut and dry.  In Dustin's story, called disassociation if you wanted to read it, had a lot more at stake.

You make your villain too evil for the sake of being evil.

I'm gonna say something here.  As a person who is disabled and is stuck home and pretty young (turn 50 this year) I GET him.  I really do.  The simplest things are so hard when you are broken, as our villain is.  I could be bitter, and I know people who are very bitter about the lousy lives they've been given, but, even they aren't so cookie-cutter evil.  

I think if you fix that, you'd really have a story that would be easy to film.  

Hope that helps.

Dan

All,

Thanks for the comments.  I appreciate them.  You seem to uniformly agree that our disabled guy is too over the top.  that was a goal.  And it was an attempt to hijack the story, which is not really about Emily at all.  It's about Ralph and Ben, and I didn't do a very good job with Ben.  He needs to take control of the story at some point and try to make it is own.  That's a failure.

But I appreciate the feedback.

Best
Richard