-- A way for them to be together after all.

Holy shit.

At first I thought, damn, that's a major hole in the logic. All they had to do is jump onto the machine and travel.

There are two ways out of it, the way I see it... I can make the machine only able to transport one person at a time, which would be clunky.

Or, I can go for the happy ending. She figures it out, collects the dust into a pile and takes it into the machine, travels and the dust transforms back into George. Surely if the video effect capability is there for one way it will be for the other. Maybe a fancy edit can help some way too.

There's also going to need to be some obstacle stopping George from moving. At the moment all I can think of is that perhaps he has ended up under the machine after failing to strap himself in properly or something. I'll think about it. This is going to take a rewrite though.

Cheers, Bill.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin I believe a wryly has its place here because the dialogue could be misleading otherwise. Yes, she has aged 60 years in the interim so obviously she’s doesn’t look the same but it’s that true love thing where in George’s mind she hasn't changed. He can see the real Marjorie, the woman he fell in love with all those years ago, in there despite the physical differences This is a rare moment of levity in the script so it could be easily misconstrued as an earnest remark without that wrylie. I know some frown upon overly explicit ones, actors in particular but they do no harm either in conveying what you want to get across. The same goes for body language which has the added plus of being a more visual method of writing which is what we’re always striving for. Again, what the actor decides to take from that or not is up to them.

You could be right here... however, I've removed it as I would like to see the interpretation from the actor. However they play this would be fine. It might actually be better if they are sincere. Something to ponder. Cheers.

Quoted Text That’s all true but we’re human after all, plagued by doubts, uncertainties and what ifs. I just made the suggestion as it might had some dimension  to the scene so it’s not all the same “I’ve missed you so much and loved you for so long” sentiments. Still, I get that unwavering devotion is the central theme here.

True love overrides self doubt. I think if one person stops believing in it then it isn't true. I don't feel that there is room for doubt.

Quoted Text It wasn’t obvious for me because you mentioned “Embedded into one arm of the kings wing chair is a Bakelite dial phone, without the handset.” so I figured that this missing handset is what George used to time travel. This is why I referred to it later on in my notes. You see, I’m not well up on the anatomy of 60s household furniture

It's meant to mean that the handset part of the phone is unnecessary to the time machine's function, so simply isn't there. I don't also mention George holding a handset or anything and at the end, Marjorie had to tap the receiver button to get it to work.

Quoted Text I think you greatly overestimate my IQ, sir. Yes, I presumed George made the time machine but that doesn’t stop me asking question about the nature of its existence, how it was made and why it’s faulty. If anything I like to hear the writer’s take on it, their intentions. Yes, it’s not the focus of the story but I make those queries to satisfy my own curiosity.

Self-deprecation is also a sign of intelligence. In regard to time travel stories we have to be careful not to try and explain too much. Because the logic of time travel generally doesn't hold up. At least, not to me. I once tried writing a novelette and failed but not before I'd written 20k words or so. I vowed never to attempt a time travel story again. I changed my mind because I realised that time travel stories only real fail if you try to explain it all.

Quoted Text Yes I did but again I wanted to hear your take on it. What you were considering when writing it Also, It makes me wonder, since George has no control of which direction it’s going to take him, forward or backwards, what would happen if he went too far into the future? You don’t have to answer this one though

Thanks, because I wouldn't have any idea how to answer it.

Quoted Text Yup and I’m playing the annoying-question-asking-friend with aplomb here! Anyway, I’m glad you got something to think about from my comments.

I certainly did get something out of it. I think you and Bill together have forced me to analyse and, in so doing, I discovered a logical weakness so great that the whole story didn't stand up. I have now rectified that weakness, so thank you to both of you.

The rewrite is up, although I will need to proofread it and clean it up, maybe change this or that, the story is now definitely ready to go without any plot holes.

Thank you... and I'm sorry for being a bit of a dick. You were right to question and you've been a great help.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I've never seen that. I'll have to check it out one day as it gets a 7 on IMDb. I usually like films that score a 7. Unless they're those artificially inflated Oscar-winners. I try to avoid those. You can't have romance without rotting flesh and bones turning to dust. What sort of romance would that be? Aside from one without rotting flesh and powdered bone? The logline I made up on the spot when it came time to upload, like I always do. Some people like to write loglines, I like to write stories. It's meant to sound a little weird. I'm sure discovering an old flame in your shed is not the usual place to discover them. Vague, because it's only a short and I don't want to give too much away. I like to be deliberately vague. Stops people knowing exactly what's going to happen. So it's a surprise. Thanks for the read and your thoughts on my lack of logline writing ability. Come to think of it, when was the last time we had a story from you? Be nice to see something new.

I really like the thought: "Some people like to write loglines, I like to write stories". Makes for a fine quote. I didn't so much think that the vagueness didn't work, rather that the wording didn't. It's supposed to be quirky, but with the bluntness and simplicity, the intended quirkiness didn't come through for me, rather it just looked thrown together in a rush. I suppose my point was that adding a few words to make it clear that it is indeed a coherent sentence and the weird is there for a reason would give a far better first impression.

Although, considering you're probably not that interested in the logline, this doesn't matter much. My post was thrown together in a rush, and kind of the same situation with this one here. Sorry I can't help out with more.

As to when you'll see something up from me, I'm hoping soon. I haven't managed to write anything down for a while, but I'll try and crank out a short by the end of this week or the next just to get back into it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Because the logic of time travel generally doesn't hold up. At least, not to me. I changed my mind because I realised that time travel stories only real fail if you try to explain it all.

Yeah this is something we can definitely agree on. Paradoxes are inherent to time travelling, no getting around them.

I've cited it before (probably more than once) but I love the line from Jeff Daniel's Abe character in the "Looper" when talking about the concept:

"This time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg"

Which basically iterates what you said. If you look hard enough you will find discrepancies/inconsistencies/plot holes so yeah, its best to not get too explanatory as you're only making a rod for your own back.

Dustin,

Nice little script. Even after reading the logline I was expecting all sorts of crazy shit was gonna happen. I thought that the old flame might have been a corpse she'd murdered many years back. Then I thought flame and figured she had burned him and he was nothing but a pile of ash. Then I saw the chair and I immediately thought of the Coen's Burn After Reading, and thought the chair might so crazy contraption with a sick looking dildo attached to it. I know, I know. Over active imagination. I guess that's what happens when one collaborates with Johnny Robbins! Anyway...

It was a nice little script, if not a tad contrived. And I only say that because the whole time machine thing, much like Zombies, seems to be getting a little old. But you're writing was good, and this was a fresh take on it,
as well as a bit of a departure on your regular subject matter.

I didn't feel especially close to the old woman. Other than having a cane and being a tough old gal, I missed a connection with her -- as well as the man. Perhaps a bit more exposition on them would do it, or another line or so of dialogue. Even if you expand it another half page maybe. I know it's only four pages, and what did I expect? But that's it really.

Good story, low budget, good ending.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dustin, Nice little script. Even after reading the logline I was expecting all sorts of crazy shit was gonna happen. I thought that the old flame might have been a corpse she'd murdered many years back. Then I thought flame and figured she had burned him and he was nothing but a pile of ash. Then I saw the chair and I immediately thought of the Coen's Burn After Reading, and thought the chair might so crazy contraption with a sick looking dildo attached to it. I know, I know. Over active imagination. I guess that's what happens when one collaborates with Johnny Robbins! Anyway... It was a nice little script, if not a tad contrived. And I only say that because the whole time machine thing, much like Zombies, seems to be getting a little old. But you're writing was good, and this was a fresh take on it, as well as a bit of a departure on your regular subject matter. I didn't feel especially close to the old woman. Other than having a cane and being a tough old gal, I missed a connection with her -- as well as the man. Perhaps a bit more exposition on them would do it, or another line or so of dialogue. Even if you expand it another half page maybe. I know it's only four pages, and what did I expect? But that's it really. Good story, low budget, good ending. Steve

I cut a lot out from the start, I had her waking up etc, then cut it all as fluff. For me the story started in the shed, so the walk through the garden turned into the intro. I connected with the character because I based her on my nan. I hate exposition... especially in a short... but I'll certainly think about it without instantly dismissing it like I am wont to do before then realising that I was wrong.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts. Cheers.

Hey Dustin,

This was good. I'm a sucker for time travel stories but they usually crumble under their own logic (or lack thereof). This one, being vague in terms of logic, is imo. what makes it works because it doesn't feel like a time travel story, it feels like what it is, a love story.

Some good lines in there, I especially like the one where she sweeps up George. Nice visuals.

Only one thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way - and it's small potatoes - at first you descibe Marj as "hobbling with the aid of a stick", which does make her sound weak and frail, when she's actually anything but.

Anyhoo, a good read.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Hey Dustin, This was good. I'm a sucker for time travel stories but they usually crumble under their own logic (or lack thereof). This one, being vague in terms of logic, is imo. what makes it works because it doesn't feel like a time travel story, it feels like what it is, a love story. Some good lines in there, I especially like the one where she sweeps up George. Nice visuals. Only one thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way - and it's small potatoes - at first you descibe Marj as "hobbling with the aid of a stick", which does make her sound weak and frail, when she's actually anything but. Anyhoo, a good read. Cheers Rob

Thanks for the read and the point on Marj not being old and frail all the way through. I want her spirit to be there, but her body weak. Despite the weak body she'd still take you on in a fist fight if she had to. So I may have gone too far physically. I'll look through and see what I can do about that.

Cheers, mate.

Hey Dustin,

This was pretty cool. I think you're writing's really good too. I don't really have anything to comment on, you're definitely a better writer than I am, but I will say that I found the ending a little confusing. I don't know, maybe I just didn't get it.

Hi Jose, thanks for the read and reply.

As a consequence of time travel, our cells are poisoned to the degree where we age incredibly fast once arriving at a destination. Jumping back into the time vortex reverses the ageing process back to the age we were when first jumping. So once somebody has jumped they must stay within the time vortex or risk dying.

I haven't done the greatest of jobs in getting this information on the page. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll put some more work in.

This one has found a real home this time I think/hope. Working with the same guys that made Evicted, apparently they're going to start making moves with this next week.

I think it's all been said but I just wanted to throw my two cents in . . . Beautiful. Really enjoyed it. Thank you.

Great news! Looking forward to seeing it.

Elected not to read through the 3 pages of comments, so if anything is repeated and has been addressed already I apologise, but here are my thoughts

I liked the sentiment of this even though romantic shorts really aren’t my thing.

I did think there were a couple of issues though.

“She sinks into his embrace... sails away to a time
gone by, a time when they were both young, dancing,
carefree. He smells her hair and closes his eyes tight.”

Is this a flashback, a new scene, is it taking place in the scene already set? Although I see what is happening, I feel it could be more clearly written.

I feel the same way about the following quoted text.

"As their lips meet, they are transported in their minds to a
ballroom, both in their twenties, dressed to the nines,
kissing while they twirl to music."

“in their minds” So can we see this, and how do we see it?

How would you film this or how would we know that it’s the first time she has cried, we have known Marj for 3 minutes.

“Placing the jacket on, she looks at the pile of dust that
was once George and cries for the first time in 60 years.”

Still a good read and well written.

I look forward to seeing the end result if/when it gets made.

Thanks for the comments and well wishes. Any new comments have been dealt with in the previous three pages, so if you really need the answers, you know where to look. This however is something that hasn't been addressed yet.

"How would you film this?"

I wouldn't. That's up to the director and DP. I just write the words, it's up to others to translate those words into film.