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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  iNfectious Moderators: bert
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  Author    iNfectious  (currently 4102 views)
IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox


Hey glenn,

I do like your writing, it's clear and unfussy which makes it easier for me to understand what's going on compared to scripts which use wicked works all the time. If I need to google up more than one word on a page, I'm out.

Just felt like in this one no theme sticked out to be specific enough.



Yeah, I get you. Maybe I could state the theme I was going for a little stronger. Just don't want it to feel like I'm beating it over the reader's head. It's supposed to be simple satire, but maybe I haven't got that across well enough.

Glad you like my writing though

Thanks again.



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Dustin
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 3:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

Every single person is either staring at a screen of aphone, tablet or smart watch, or they are conked out.



Instead of 'Every single person...' try, passengers. In fact... like this would be a little more active:

Passengers either stare at phone screens, tablets, laptops and smart watches, or are conked out.

I don't like 'conked out'. It's too colloquial. Action is more formal. Things like that can work at the right time, when a writer wants to inject a little personality into a character. There are tricks like this we can use to do that... but here, it's not done for that, but, rather, more the way the writer actually writes. Get rid of this shit, mate.

Code

A CHUBBY WOMAN (30s) sits on a seat with her large handbagon her lap.



I'm pretty sure I've said this to you before, more than once. LOL, that actually sounds like something I'd say to one of my kids. Anyway, watch out for overusing possessive pronouns. Instead of 'her handbag', it's 'a handbag'. It'll vastly improve the flow of your writing if you drop their overuse.

OK, there may be arguments for the initial passengers and what they are up to on their smart devices, not being necessary. I disagree with that. They help set the ordinariness of everything before the weirdness hits. You're going for contrast. Although a little cliche in this case, it still works. I also don't believe that you need to go through the formality of an INSET. It's pretty obvious what we should be seeing. Up to the director how they want to get that across.

However, this bit:

Code

FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR The virus, which causes people to drastically change their way of being is said to be slowly spreading across the country. People are asked to be cautious as it is not yet known how it is contracted.



Not sure what's up with Dropbox but I'm having to put spaces in the sentences I'm copying from your work and the code tags aren't working right here. Anyway, the dialogue here is quite bad. Perhaps, rather than such a formal news reading, it could be a Breakfast Radio show thing, where a talkshow host is asking for calls on this new virus. That way you can get away without having to sound like a trained newsreader.

Code

She comes to the homeless man again, whos is now asleep,steps over him as she clicks a tick beside a ratherattractive picture of a man.



The picture is attractive, or the man?

Code

...her handbag is sent flying to the ground, spilling itís many contents.



its. 'It's' is a contraction of 'it is'. Read your sentences out in your mind. If you can write 'it is' and it makes sense, then the correct one is it's. If you can't, then it's 'its'.

Code

Lisa letís out a nervous laugh...



lets. Let's is a contraction of let us. So, let's go to the zoo. If you can write 'let us' and it make sense, then it's let's. If you can't, then it's lets.

I like this concept. It needs some work, but you have the ingredients for a good story, IMO. Good luck with it.


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 20th, 2015, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Thanks for taking a look and providing your thoughts. Appreciate it.

Agree with putting "passengers" instead of "every single person" and don't know why I left "conked out" in. All will be changed.

And yep, you have brought up possessive pronouns before and because of this, when I write I do my best to not use them. This one must have just slipped in. Never again. Promise.

I'll look over the Anchor's dialogue again. See how I can make it read better.

And the other silly mistakes you pointed out will be fixed. Thanks for pointing them out.

Glad you like the concept. I'll give it a polish and another going over. Hopefully make it a little better.

Cheers.

Glenn.


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