All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
1) I'm not a fan of the title, seems to just be shock value that isn't really backed up by the story itself and it feel a little, erm, juvenile. 2) The second sentence is an unfilmable and immeadiately took me out of the script, there's no way the audience can know it's sunday. 3) Given that the intro is a repeat of the end, I think you can lose it, not sure it adds value or anything different. 4) No need to break your script up with CREDIT SEQUENCE... someone else will decide where to put that. 5) What shows us that Sebastian has great style? We find out later that he's an accountant... so be better to have something that shows his great style... may a reference to smart designer suit? 6) Men are frequently descibed as good looking, women beautiful, gorgeous etc... if we are to believe that Sebastian can be persuaded to rob a bank for her then I think you need to convey how smoking she is. 7) CLAP is an odd sound description for high heels, CLIP or CLICK maybe? The section about where Averley lives doesn't ring true, most people when asked this question will say a city/town, suburb etc... 9) Sebastian is a bored accountant who smokes weed in restaurants, again doesn't seem consistent with his character. 10) There's some odd spelling in the dialogue, e.g. peanut instead of pina and ludacrisis ... are these meant to character affectations? (if so, fair enough) 11) The VO when mixed in with dialogue about robbng the bank didn't wor for me as I thought the on screen dialogue sufficed. 12) I'm really struggling to buy the fact that he'd want to f**k anyone enough to rob a bank, even if the bank has the worst security in the world. 13) My vagina isn't going to eat itself - you see to gave slipped into spoof porn territory. 14) And the end... why are they running, surely they'd have a car? Who raised the alarm, did the foolproof plan go awry? And shooting him... well okay, he was an annoying dick
I got attracted to it for it's title. Yes.. There are two shorts with super titles on the portal page, yours being one and the other is called The Cock Man. What are the odds)
But I don't think the title is fitting. He got attracted to her so it's more of a the power of attraction in my opinion. There's nothing about sex or sex organs.
What didn't work for me is that it wandered from one subject to another. I didn't know he was desperate for money at the beginning. But he is. Then she kills him and it's suddenly her game, when it was initially his. I know what you want to say - he got attracted to her and that attraction was fatal, but somehow the ending didn't work for me.
Also he agreed to these things way too easily for me.
You describe him as having a great style but with slick back hair. Well, maybe slick back hair is a great style -but not for me. The first VO doesn't work for me, as there's no more VO in the script. Besides you started with the parents naming him, and then the script is about love and him having hard time finding a person he likes. Oh, and maybe you should let us know that he's having hard time looking for a person he likes - I don't think you did that properly enough.