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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Battle for Japan Series Moderators: bert
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  Author    Battle for Japan Series  (currently 2048 views)
Don
Posted: February 9th, 2016, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Battle for Japan Series by G. Myles - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Samurai, ninjas, Japanese mythical figures and creatures that can be googled, plus more.  33 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 5th, 2017, 1:13pm
revised draft
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RichardR
Posted: February 10th, 2016, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


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G,

Some notes.

The formatting needs work.  Dialogue doesn't stretch from side to side.  

Character names are CAPITALIZED when introduced.  One raft or many?  

Large blocks of action put off readers.  Generally, we try to limit action blocks to 4 lines or fewer.  

You describe two animals armies of various exotic and fantastic creatures.  Find a simpler way to describe this?  

And we get to another session of fantastic things that are described but are not shown in battle.  I think the idea would be to not spend so much time on naming these things but showing them in action.  We don't care about the number and size.  We care about what they do.  

And i can't go on.  Sorry.

Best
Richard
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cbead
Posted: February 14th, 2016, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

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A very difficult script to read. Written like a story with slug lines dropped in.

Too much information in there to digest.. Seems like a million different morphed characters and a description of what each can do, what their special powers are. It just went on ad nauseam.

It is most probably very clever and acutely intricate, but not for me sorry.


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Dustin
Posted: February 14th, 2016, 4:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

They both join tanukis (raccoon dogs) that can disguise
themselves as inanimate objects plus expand their indestructible
scrotums to use them for almost anything as depicted in
folklore...



I'm just wondering what one could possibly do with an indestructible scrotum. It would be good to pull out at parties, I suppose, but that's about all I can think of.


Lots to learn here in regard to format... but you're on the road now, might as well keep going. Read lots of screenplays to see how they are written. I'm guessing that you're still young, so you have plenty of time.

Also, participate around here and you'll learn a lot faster. A year or two, as opposed to several on your own.


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