SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 31st, 2020, 4:43pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  New Used Car Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
AdSense and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    New Used Car  (currently 3289 views)
Don
Posted: March 2nd, 2016, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13548
Posts Per Day
1.93
New Used Car by R.E. McManus - Short, Comedy - A couple go to buy one, a new used car that is. It doesn't go too well. The buying I mean. The script goes great guns. Not real ones. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Nolan
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 5:35am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
184
Posts Per Day
0.12
Hi R.E.

First off, I wasn't sure what was up with the logline.  Full disclosure, I'm no good at loglines so perhaps take advice from someone else on that!

As far as the script goes, I had expected more when the other car was following them.  I felt let down when we found out what their "pursuer" was actually doing.  It seemed kind of odd that the people in the BMW would just pick a car to follow in the hopes that they're going the same way.  I don't know of any one that would do that.

Anyhow, that's my own opinion of course.  I'm still pretty new at all this stuff, so do with it what you will.

The writing seemed good to me.  i followed everything easily enough.

Good luck,

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 28
eldave1
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 11:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5160
Posts Per Day
2.49
I agree with Nolan on this one. Well written but it lacked the payoff from the car in pursuit.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59
Oh dear.


Quoted from Nolan
Hi R.E.

First off, I wasn't sure what was up with the logline.  Full disclosure, I'm no good at loglines so perhaps take advice from someone else on that!


I'm far better at taking cash and the piss than taking advice.

I'm not sure there's anything up with the logline. I thought it amusing. I would do. You still read the script, so I think it did its job.


Quoted from Nolan
I don't know of any one that would do that.


Your post is kinda spoiling it for others. It's not like telling people Miss Daisy ain't gonna live forever, Morgan. But it's not far off.

I know loads of people who'd do that. We obviously move in very different circles. My other point is it is a comedy script, not a documentary.


Quoted from Nolan
Anyhow, that's my own opinion of course.  I'm still pretty new at all this stuff, so do with it what you will.

The writing seemed good to me.  i followed everything easily enough.

Good luck,

Nolan


Thanks. I was hoping it may amuse. You obviously found it so funny you forgot to mention it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 28
Nolan
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
184
Posts Per Day
0.12
Rendevous,

Oh dear indeed.  

My apologies, I forgot myself there for a minute.   Thank you for setting me straight.  

You may want to think about travelling in different circles, because you know, you'll just be travelling in circles.

Now that you mention it, I didn't find it that funny at all.  But that's my opinion, you know, the thing that I alone think.  Oh wait, is it okay to put my opinion down?  I know, next time I'll message you and ask you what my opinion should be, maybe that will be acceptable.  

Good luck?

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
Dustin
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 3:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5176
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from Nolan

You may want to think about travelling in different circles, because you know, you'll just be travelling in circles.


But even if he travelled in different circles he would still be travelling in circles.


I have to admit that I have followed another car on the off chance that they're going to the same place that I'm trying to locate. Perhaps a car park at some event or other. I have done it more than once.

It's also exactly the type of advice passengers are wont to give when the driver is lost. It's hard to drive and figure out where you're meant to be going all at once. Great advice like, I bet that car's going where we are, should never be ignored.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 28
Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 6:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The effects of writing again....

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2442
Posts Per Day
0.77
New used car

I'm not sure your logline would get past the serious squad, but I like that style. It's very you and I hope you keep it that way around here.

To the script...

You have a good ear for domestic interchange, set against a suitable tone and situation. Kitchen sink drama set in a used car.

The problem with this is the payoff, and how the script dove tails into it. It may be a weakness in my reviewing but with short scripts I do like a good twist, and the tracking car didn't quite have the weight to pul it off. However, on reflection this could be handled by breaking up the order, making this non linear.

For example, we could open up with the concern of the tracking car, then step back to the initial meet the buyer.  We then look at the seller more suspiciouslay. Then the argument at home etc until we find out the argument is about the exhaust. May just keep us on our toes a little longer.

Nice feel to this one. The script that is. Not the guns in the script  


My scripts HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 28
spesh2k
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 8:10am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
503
Posts Per Day
0.11
Hey Rendezvous,

First off, the log line... not at all trying to be a script Nazi, I just don't really understand it, specifically the "it goes great guns" part. Perhaps it's a regional thing.

Any who, the script --

The writing is decent, though I'd try working on your opening slug and the wording a bit.


Quoted Text
EXT. STREET - DAY

Closed shops and cafes line one side. Opposite is a park.

Its quiet. Parked cars line either side of the road.

JOE pads around a red Toyota as he inspects it closely. Hes
thirties, a little overweight and in a cheap suit.


EXT. QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Closed shops and cafes line the block, across the street from a park. Vehicles parked at both sides of the road, one of them a --

RED TOYOTA

JOE (30s, chubby, in a cheap suit) inspects the vehicle, circling around it.


Perhaps it's just a matter of style. But that's the last thing I'll comment about with the writing.

I liked the rapid-fire banter between couples. It was realistic. Though I wouldn't say spectacular or particularly funny, it was something I can relate to. I also liked the fact that the other couple was following our main characters because they were lost and thought that maybe they were going to the same place. I've done that before.

And the suspicion of your main characters being followed is set up with the suspicion brought up by Joe concerning the Colin guy who sold them the car -- "Just thinking. Whyd he meet us
there. He dont live there. Whered it say on the paperwork?" I thought, at first, that this was some kind of con or set up by the guy who sold them the car.

There wasn't much of a payoff, though, overall. The "twist" with the couple following them (and going back and forth just like Val and Joe), should've been the sub-pay off. Because the "following" wasn't the main focus of the story. Or it should've been part of the big pay off. I don't know, I would've liked to see the two couples share more of the plot or payoff. Maybe they were going to the same place. Or maybe the couple was selling their house and the other couple was interested in buying... I don't know, man, something like that.

There seemed to be a big deal made about the negotiating... I thought that 75 bucks (or whatever it was) that Joe ended up not saving (because Val decided to settle on 1650) would come into play later. Maybe there's a part they need for the car and it cost exactly 75 bucks... you know, like one of the "Curb Your Enthusiasm/Seinfeld" type of ironic endings.

I suppose the exhaust scraping and falling off was kind of a payoff... but not really.

Other than that, the writing was decent and the banter was pretty good. I just felt like the story ended a bit abruptly. I was expecting more.

Overall, it was a decent job. A nice, easy, fluffy read.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://youtu.be/lgLdAdoGCEY

Visit my website to see more of my produced work![b] http://michaeljkospiah.mystrikingly.com/

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 28
Nolan
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 8:26am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
184
Posts Per Day
0.12
Okay, I'm down 3 to 1 on the following the random car issue.  I'll concede that one to you guys!  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 28
RichardR
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 9:39am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
917
Posts Per Day
0.46
R,

Some notes.

What's good about this one is the banter and the paranoia that accompanies buying a used car.  How many of us have wondered how much we were fooled as we drive away from a 'deal'?  Part of human nature.  That the couple argue as if they've been together for years is a plus.  No need to finish every sentence or eschew the use of pronouns.  

What's not so good about this one is the structure.  You set up the deal as if it's something nefarious, something shady, a man selling a car on an lonely street miles away from his home, almost as if the car is stolen or something.  But there is no pay off for that setup.  Then, we jump to a second setup--the following car.  I'm part of the group that would never pick out a random car to follow with the hope that it would lead me where I wanted to go.  That's like picking out a random character and running with him with the desperate hope that he'll scare up some sort of story.  Anyway, the following car setup doesn't pay off either.  Now, if the couple was following in order to tell the first couple that their exhaust was about to fall off, or they actually were going to use that parking space the first couple commandeered, or it was a stolen car and they were following even as they tried to call the police, or...  You get the picture.  

You've given us a reasonably comic scene, but you have not worked out a story.  I know it's a short, so you might try cutting some of the banter in the beginning and get the couple in the car so you can continue the story.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
Dustin
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 10:48am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5176
Posts Per Day
2.12
You don't just pick a random car. As an example, I was once trying to locate a car boot sale and was completely lost. Sat Nav just wasn't getting me there, wanted me to drive through a farm and then kept taking me around in circles until arriving back at the farm. After a while of this madness, I finally spotted another car laden with what appeared to be car boot sale junk... I mean, booty. So I followed said car and made it to the car boot sale.

In another example, the car we picked looked like it might be going where we were at the time. It turned out that it wasn't, but it was worth a try.

Whether there are obvious clues, or ones we pull from the ether, it's never just a random car. Perhaps it's a British thing. Worst case scenario, we end up in Scotland or, Brighton.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 28
RichardR
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
917
Posts Per Day
0.46
It might well be a Brit thing.  In the US, picking out a car would be a real challenge.  Generally, if lost, we stop and ask directions.  Of course, those might include a turn down by the hollow oak or past the shack where the mute plays the banjo--but they are directions.  There is a urban myth that men never stop for directions.  We do but reserve the right to ignore them.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 28
spesh2k
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
503
Posts Per Day
0.11
It depends... I remember looking for a party up in the mountains and was having trouble finding the place. And there weren't any nearby businesses open to ask for directions or many cars around. So I ended up following a car I saw and, sure enough, we were going to the same place.


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://youtu.be/lgLdAdoGCEY

Visit my website to see more of my produced work![b] http://michaeljkospiah.mystrikingly.com/

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 28
James McClung
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3333
Posts Per Day
0.63
Not bad. I thought the dialogue hit a nice balance between snappy and realistic, and there was plenty of conflict throughout. Unfortunately, it was mostly aimless conflict.

The haggling was fun, but it's easily resolved, and the issue with the car being underpriced is basically forgotten. Of course, the exhaust does fall off in the end, but it feels like an afterthought. The car following them was an interesting twist, but it has nothing to do with what came before, and while the payoff isn't implausible, it also feels like an afterthought. At the same time, I think there's something to the fact that the couple makes such a big thing out of what turns out to be completely innocuous. I'm sure there's a better way to spin this.

I would also reconsider the logline. You suggested to Nolan that the fact that he read the script affirms its effectiveness. I can assure you that was not the case with me. You're a regular, and I remember your entry for the 2013 OWC, so I decided to check this out based on my familiarity with your work. That's a bias I can't ignore, but I have my doubts I would've checked this out otherwise.

All that said, I think this essentially amounts to a couple bickering about whatever crosses their mind with a few substantial conflicts but far too convenient resolutions. In that sense, it's more entertaining than it really should be, thanks mostly to the dialogue, but still frivolous. I think you can do better with what you've got here.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from eldave1
I agree with Nolan on this one. Well written but it lacked the payoff from the car in pursuit.


It seems to be being discussed. Obviously I quite liked it meself. I tried many endings and the one(s) chosen worked best. I still like this script. Not something I'd ever seen in a film but a situation I've been through more than once.

I'll be back on later. Thanks for the read.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from Nolan
Rendevous,

Oh dear indeed.  


Some of your post sounded somewhat upset. Not my intention. As you didn't seem to find my script funny I doubt you'll enjoy my responses. Fair enough. It's all subjective, especially when it's comedy.


Quoted from Dustin
Great advice like, I bet that car's going where we are, should never be ignored.


Quite so. You never know, you may be right and they may get you there.

I think it'd be quite funny on film, with the right actors. Obviously Adam Sandler can fuck right off. Otherwise I'm open to offers.

R  


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 28
Nolan
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
184
Posts Per Day
0.12
Rendevous,

It would be a lie to say I wasn't a tad bit upset, so my apologies for that.  But thanks for clearing that up for me.  I'll know for next time to just relax a little bit

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from Nolan
Rendevous,

It would be a lie to say I wasn't a tad bit upset, so my apologies for that.  But thanks for clearing that up for me.  I'll know for next time to just relax a little bit

Nolan


Glad to hear it. I realise I rub some the wrong way. Metaphorically I hasten to add.

I won't be physically rubbing anyone unless I get a specific invitation in writing, even then I'll give pause.

Relaxing a bit is always a good idea, something we should all do.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
New used car

I'm not sure your logline would get past the serious squad, but I like that style. It's very you and I hope you keep it that way around here.


I certainly intend to, and thank you. The serious squad would no doubt frown at my efforts in the logline. I don't particularly like writing loglines as they often give away stuff I'd rather be discovered in the script.

So instead I decided to try something a little sillier than usual. Glad you like that style. It made me laugh, so I figured it might make a few others laugh too. And to me that's what most of it is about.

As for the others who didn't... Ooh, I just caught myself about to quote Taylor Swift. Thankfully instead I slammed my fingers in a door just to ensure that never ever happens again.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
To the script...

You have a good ear for domestic interchange, set against a suitable tone and situation. Kitchen sink drama set in a used car.


I thank you. I should warn you at this point I have no money or liquid assets.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
The problem with this is the payoff, and how the script dove tails into it. It may be a weakness in my reviewing but with short scripts I do like a good twist, and the tracking car didn't quite have the weight to pul it off. However, on reflection this could be handled by breaking up the order, making this non linear.


Oh dear. I see you're not alone in this. I think a lot of people were expecting some massive twisty type twist. I wasn't in the mood for such. I'm still not persuaded that it would be better if it had one.

Perhaps if someone bought me dinner and then we went dancing. There would also have to be flowers and chocolates of course. And some item of jewelry perhaps.

I thought the ending I have fitted better. But as per usual, I would do, wouldn't I?


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
For example, we could open up with the concern of the tracking car, then step back to the initial meet the buyer.  We then look at the seller more suspiciouslay. Then the argument at home etc until we find out the argument is about the exhaust. May just keep us on our toes a little longer.


Suspiciouslay? Have you been watching the much missed Rik Mayall as Kevin Turvey again? Definitely worth an internet search if you enjoy comedy.

Some good suggestions there. I was implying Colin the seller may have been up to no good to add some underlying tension. Joe certainly thought as much. There's a few misdirections in the script. I think this is why some people expect some big pay off, rather than amusement. Or possibly not.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Nice feel to this one. The script that is. Not the guns in the script  


There are no guns in the script. Or are there? No, stop that. It's silly. Many thanks RD.  I always enjoy your posts. How's that Alice script doing now? You lucky barstard.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 17 - 28
Dustin
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 4:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5176
Posts Per Day
2.12
Code

Closed shops and cafes line one side. Opposite is a park.

Its quiet. Parked cars line either side of the road.



Shops lining one side and cars lining either side is a little repetitive. Using a different way to describe the cars would work better. Or, perhaps it's just something you place little importance on. I highly doubt anyone would stop reading because of it, but as I'm a writer too it stands out to me.

Code

VAL
Red ones go faster. Im all for it
if you are.



LOL.

Some excellent realistic dialogue. I really believed they were a long-married couple. You nailed it perfectly. I was entertained by the writing... the story itself is so-so... but that doesn't matter because the execution is brilliant.

Nice job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from spesh2k
Hey Rendezvous,


Hey Spesh2k,

There's no z in my name. I was gonna put one in your name, a z that is, but I figured that would be a bit too knobbish.


Quoted from spesh2k
First off, the log line... not at all trying to be a script Nazi, I just don't really understand it, specifically the "it goes great guns" part. Perhaps it's a regional thing.


Yes. A logline is not really worth invading Poland for.

The wording of the logline is just me piddling about. It was meant to be amusing. It's hard to amuse everybody.  

Going great guns means going well. Surely you've heard that one some time. No? Oh.


Quoted from spesh2k
Any who, the script --

The writing is decent, though I'd try working on your opening slug and the wording a bit.


Steady there. I was talking to Wordsworth and Coleridge the other day and they said my opening was a tour de force. Southey is avoiding me, as he still owes me twenty quid.


Quoted from spesh2k
EXT. QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Closed shops and cafes line the block, across the street from a park. Vehicles parked at both sides of the road, one of them a --

RED TOYOTA

JOE (30s, chubby, in a cheap suit) inspects the vehicle, circling around it.


I take the point, but I think it's more of a style thing, than a quality thing. 'Block' is more American than I'd use. Me no from there.

'Circling' gives the wrong impression, in my humble.

Joe's not chubby either. He's slightly overweight, in other words he has a bit of a belly, as do many gentlemen of a certain age. Chubby implies he's the size of John Candy, may he still be chuckling wherever he may now dwell.

It's a cat skinning thousand ways type of affair. There's loads of ways to do it. Everybody prefers it their way, understandably.


Quoted from spesh2k
Perhaps it's just a matter of style. But that's the last thing I'll comment about with the writing.


I think I just said the same. Now, if I was any good I could cut and paste your last comment earlier and just agree with it. But I won't as life is too short for so much mincing about.


Quoted from spesh2k
I liked the rapid-fire banter between couples. It was realistic. Though I wouldn't say spectacular or particularly funny,


I would.


Quoted from spesh2k
it was something I can relate to. I also liked the fact that the other couple was following our main characters because they were lost and thought that maybe they were going to the same place. I've done that before.


I think most of us have. Or at least had someone tell us to do it.


Quoted from spesh2k
And the suspicion of your main characters being followed is set up with the suspicion brought up by Joe concerning the Colin guy who sold them the car -- "Just thinking. Whyd he meet us there. He dont live there. Whered it say on the paperwork?" I thought, at first, that this was some kind of con or set up by the guy who sold them the car.


Yep. A misdirection to make you wonder.


Quoted from spesh2k
There wasn't much of a payoff, though, overall. The "twist" with the couple following them (and going back and forth just like Val and Joe), should've been the sub-pay off. Because the "following" wasn't the main focus of the story. Or it should've been part of the big pay off. I don't know, I would've liked to see the two couples share more of the plot or payoff. Maybe they were going to the same place. Or maybe the couple was selling their house and the other couple was interested in buying... I don't know, man, something like that.


A little harsh.

I don't know about that. I think bringing them together wouldn't have helped and would have been quite a stretch. I like it as it is. There's loads of ways it could go.


Quoted from spesh2k
There seemed to be a big deal made about the negotiating... I thought that 75 bucks (or whatever it was) that Joe ended up not saving (because Val decided to settle on 1650) would come into play later. Maybe there's a part they need for the car and it cost exactly 75 bucks... you know, like one of the "Curb Your Enthusiasm/Seinfeld" type of ironic endings.


It's just Joe is hopeless at haggling, as many are. I thought it funny. I think the 75 bucks idea sounds a bit too familiar. It's a good idea, but has been done a few times already.


Quoted from spesh2k
I suppose the exhaust scraping and falling off was kind of a payoff... but not really.


Ooh. That's a bit of a kick in the plums. When I wrote it I laughed as I could see it working. Seems a few don't see it the same way.


Quoted from spesh2k
Other than that, the writing was decent and the banter was pretty good. I just felt like the story ended a bit abruptly. I was expecting more.

Overall, it was a decent job. A nice, easy, fluffy read.

-- Michael


Oh. I didn't think you'd quite liked it as much as you did. Many thanks for the read and ideas.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 19 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 6:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from RichardR
R,

Some notes.


Sadly not bank ones.


Quoted from RichardR
What's good about this one is the banter and the paranoia that accompanies buying a used car.  How many of us have wondered how much we were fooled as we drive away from a 'deal'?  Part of human nature.  That the couple argue as if they've been together for years is a plus.  No need to finish every sentence or eschew the use of pronouns.


Oh yes.  


Quoted from RichardR
What's not so good about this one is the structure.  You set up the deal as if it's something nefarious, something shady, a man selling a car on an lonely street miles away from his home, almost as if the car is stolen or something.  But there is no pay off for that setup.


Oh no.

Oh well. I had a feeling I was being set up for a bit of a kick in the cock.

The script set up, not the cock one, is one character thinks the deal feels dodgy. The other doesn't. Turns out one of them is wrong. Just because you believed one character doesn't make it wrong. It means I misdirected you. Which is what I was trying to do. Why? Because I thought it made it more amusing. Joe is often wrong and incompetent, until the end.

I also humbly suggest that comedy isn't drama. It doesn't have to pay off every set up with some slick twist.

The other thing is it isn't going to be as funny as it might if it was said out loud. Now, I'm not Monty Python. I feel naughty mentioning them. But I think most of this script is funny for some. Not Python funny. But then who is? Python scripts wouldn't read as funny before you'd seen them.


Quoted from RichardR
Then, we jump to a second setup--the following car.  I'm part of the group that would never pick out a random car to follow with the hope that it would lead me where I wanted to go.  That's like picking out a random character and running with him with the desperate hope that he'll scare up some sort of story.


I've never fired a gun but I can enjoy Bruce Willis doing it. Firing a gun I mean. You don't have to be part of the group that would follow a random car. You only have to believe that Woman would. And her Man would. And realise some people do.

Ooh, and that last bit sounded like a dig. Never mind. Earlier some bloke in the superstore called me a knobhead. At least I think he was talking to me. I wasn't the only person there, you see. Mind you, he did point at me. Water off a duck's back.

I replied that 'At least I have a knob, you flatulent testicle.' and left. The building I mean. I'd already done the shopping.  


Quoted from RichardR
Anyway, the following car setup doesn't pay off either.


In your humble. Keats said it rocked. Byron wasn't quite so exhuberant, but he can be a bit fussy. Shelley still hasn't got back to me. Bloody drug addict.


Quoted from RichardR
Now, if the couple was following in order to tell the first couple that their exhaust was about to fall off, or they actually were going to use that parking space the first couple commandeered, or it was a stolen car and they were following even as they tried to call the police, or...  You get the picture.  


All that would be fine if I preferred them to my version. But I like my version.


Quoted from RichardR
You've given us a reasonably comic scene, but you have not worked out a story.


I have worked out a story. It's a story you're evidently not as fond of as Keats is, but that doesn't mean I didn't work out a story. It just means you're not a fan of it.


Quoted from RichardR
I know it's a short, so you might try cutting some of the banter in the beginning and get the couple in the car so you can continue the story.  


And lose the start of my first act? I think not. That would also lead to some telling not showing. I like my banter like I like my hair. Long and funny.


Quoted from RichardR
Best
Richard


Best? Too much. It was quite good. Thank you for the read.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 28
StevenClark
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2221
Posts Per Day
0.85
Ren,

I loved the give and take between Val and Joe. Every response has a good set up, and follows through. Not laugh out loud, but snappy. The ending didn't grab me at first, but it grew on me quickly as I realized the hilarity of the final moments when the exhaust falls off. I don't think anything needs explaining -- just along for the ride and its fun.

The explanation of the BMW behind them worked, too. Very Seinfeldian (?) as this script seems like its really about nothing in particular. Just a bit of fun.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 28
alffy
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2238
Posts Per Day
0.44
Hey up, bud, thought I'd give this a looksie....seen as I've just bought myself a new used car yesterday...well van actually.

Last description reads funny, maybe a word missing, other than that it read fine.

I enjoyed this, there's a real stupidity about that rings so true.  We've all been driving along thinking the car behind is following us and similarly we've all said 'follow that car they might be going where we're going', haven't we? lol

Haggling is nightmare, as I've just found out.  I went in with an offer and the guy agreed, no questions asked.  Bugger, I thought, should have started lower lol.

Anyway, really liked this.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from RichardR
There is a urban myth that men never stop for directions.  We do but reserve the right to ignore them.


It's a tangent point, but I know plenty of fellas who would never ask for directions. Plenty of women too. At least not for the first few hours, until desperation set in.


Quoted from James McClung
Not bad. I thought the dialogue hit a nice balance between snappy and realistic, and there was plenty of conflict throughout. Unfortunately, it was mostly aimless conflict.


Aimless? Not to the characters it isn't. Perhaps on a global scale, and compared to some of the situations in the Middle East. But to Joe and Val it's vital.


Quoted from James McClung
The haggling was fun, but it's easily resolved, and the issue with the car being underpriced is basically forgotten. Of course, the exhaust does fall off in the end, but it feels like an afterthought.


We'll disagree there. I refer the honourable gentlemen to my earlier answers regarding this matter.


Quoted from James McClung
The car following them was an interesting twist, but it has nothing to do with what came before, and while the payoff isn't implausible, it also feels like an afterthought. At the same time, I think there's something to the fact that the couple makes such a big thing out of what turns out to be completely innocuous. I'm sure there's a better way to spin this.


Perhaps there is. There usually is. Appears you didn't like it. I would argue, but if you didn't like it there's little point.

I do hope people are reading the script before they read these comments as my plot points are getting bandied about like erm, hang on. Oh yes, like a dog in a park. Eh? Dammit. You know what I mean.


Quoted from James McClung
I would also reconsider the logline. You suggested to Nolan that the fact that he read the script affirms its effectiveness. I can assure you that was not the case with me. You're a regular, and I remember your entry for the 2013 OWC, so I decided to check this out based on my familiarity with your work. That's a bias I can't ignore, but I have my doubts I would've checked this out otherwise.


Oh dear. I remember you too James. Hello there. Fair enough.

Alright, my thoughts are comedy's subjective and few agree on it. There are people out there who don't like Eddie Izzard. I know!

Some later readers seemed to like this a lot more than some earlier ones.


Quoted from James McClung
All that said, I think this essentially amounts to a couple bickering about whatever crosses their mind with a few substantial conflicts but far too convenient resolutions. In that sense, it's more entertaining than it really should be, thanks mostly to the dialogue, but still frivolous. I think you can do better with what you've got here.


Perhaps. I'll take the last paragraph as a plus. Especially compared to the earlier ones. Oh well. I'm off to try and remove my hand from the side of my head.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 28
James McClung
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3333
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from rendevous
Aimless? Not to the characters it isn't. Perhaps on a global scale, and compared to some of the situations in the Middle East. But to Joe and Val it's vital.


Aimless in a narrative sense. The initial conflict is whether or not to buy the car. They do, and afterward, there isn't a continuation of that conflict, but an introduction of a new, unrelated one. Joe takes a moment to listen to the engine, but nothing comes from it. Sure, the exhaust falls off in the end, but all the time between then is dedicated to the BMW.

If the BMW were the central conflict from the start, I might not have said anything. But as of now, it feels like to separate plotlines. If they'd bought a car that had no issues at all, it would've panned out the same way, since the exhaust doesn't fall off until the secondary conflict is resolved. Perhaps maybe the car starts to have issues while they are being pursued? That'd be a nice way to bridge the two plotlines.


Quoted from rendevous
Perhaps there is. There usually is. Appears you didn't like it. I would argue, but if you didn't like it there's little point.


I did like it. I'm just trying to suggest ways it could've been stronger.


Quoted from rendevous
I do hope people are reading the script before they read these comments as my plot points are getting bandied about like erm, hang on. Oh yes, like a dog in a park. Eh? Dammit. You know what I mean.


This is fair. I do try to avoid comments until after I've read the script. I did here. I do read the other comments so as not to be redundant or perhaps to find ways I can shed light on issues from different angles whilst still in the context of the discussion at large. Sometimes I don't, though; depends on my mood, I suppose.


Quoted from rendevous
I'll take the last paragraph as a plus.


I'd be happy if you did. Despite finding some areas of the script problematic, I was entertained, again, mostly due to your dialogue. I wouldn't necessarily be satisfied with that, but that's not my call. Happy to help, in any case.



Revision History (1 edits)
James McClung  -  March 7th, 2016, 2:15am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 7th, 2016, 2:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from James McClung
I'd be happy if you did. Despite finding some areas of the script, I was entertained, again, mostly due to your dialogue. I wouldn't necessarily be satisfied with that, but that's not my call. Happy to help, in any case.


Hmm. I'm currently writing a script that has some paranoia in it. Maybe that feeling is running round in me head. Anyway, thanks James.

I'll respond without slipping into argument tennis in time and in order as others may get jealous. And we can't have that. It's unlikely, but nevertheless possible and I like the idea.

Anyways,


Quoted from Dustin
Shops lining one side and cars lining either side is a little repetitive. Using a different way to describe the cars would work better. Or, perhaps it's just something you place little importance on. I highly doubt anyone would stop reading because of it, but as I'm a writer too it stands out to me.


It's a fair point and something I didn't really notice until you pointed it out. I think I'll alter it accordingly. Nope, I will alter it. It's in the queue.

Code

VAL
Red ones go faster. Im all for it
if you are.




Quoted from Dustin
LOL.

Some excellent realistic dialogue. I really believed they were a long-married couple. You nailed it perfectly. I was entertained by the writing... the story itself is so-so... but that doesn't matter because the execution is brilliant.

Nice job.


Glad you liked it. I'm fond of that line too. I was going to argue about 'so-so' but that would be rather churlish of me considering what precedes and follows it. Thanks very much. High praise indeed. I could get used to this.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 7th, 2016, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from StevenClark
Ren,


Yes? Oh, hello Steve.


Quoted from StevenClark
I loved the give and take between Val and Joe. Every response has a good set up, and follows through. Not laugh out loud, but snappy. The ending didn't grab me at first, but it grew on me quickly as I realized the hilarity of the final moments when the exhaust falls off. I don't think anything needs explaining -- just along for the ride and its fun.


Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. I was almost beginning to doubt my judgement. Almost.


Quoted from StevenClark
The explanation of the BMW behind them worked, too. Very Seinfeldian (?) as this script seems like its really about nothing in particular. Just a bit of fun.

Steve


I was never a big Seinfeld fan when it was first on. It wasn't so much the jokes, even though I sometimes found it a bit more twee than most. No, the reason was that bloody slap bass line every five minutes. It used to drive me nuts.

Then I saw the one where they give up, you know, that. And they don't mention what it is. Ever. I was suitably impressed.

I've calmed down over the years regarding the bass so I can enjoy it these days without too much bass agony. I still laugh at the soup Nazi, even though I must have seen it at least four times.

So, being very Seinfeldian would have been an insult many years ago. But is a high compliment these days. If only I could get paid for it like they did. And still do from the reruns.

Glad you liked it, Steve. Many thanks. I'll have to get some biscuits to put in the post. Well done.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 8th, 2016, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from alffy
Hey up, bud, thought I'd give this a looksie....seen as I've just bought myself a new used car yesterday...well van actually.


Alffy,

Close enough. I know you did. I'm always behind you.


Quoted from alffy
Last description reads funny, maybe a word missing, other than that it read fine.


I take it you don't mean amusing.

Oh yes. I looked as I've proofread this thing ten times and I don't like teepees, thai pose erm, typos. As if others do.

You were right and nobody else noticed.

Or if they did they kept quiet and smirked silently. I've fixed it and a few other little things now, so we shall never speak of this ever again.


Quoted from alffy
I enjoyed this, there's a real stupidity about that rings so true.  We've all been driving along thinking the car behind is following us and similarly we've all said 'follow that car they might be going where we're going', haven't we? lol


I've often done it. Perhaps I wish I was that important someone was following me. Or perhaps they are and I'm so sharp I noticed. There's no way of knowing without chancing the fact you may make a complete fool of yourself.


Quoted from alffy
Haggling is nightmare, as I've just found out.  I went in with an offer and the guy agreed, no questions asked.  Bugger, I thought, should have started lower lol.

Anyway, really liked this.


Haggling is indeed often a nightmare. I only have do it rarely now and I'm much better but years ago it was regularly and completely embarrassing for both parties.

I liked writing that scene as the haggling in films is often slick and impressive, even from characters who are often otherwise incompetent. Bloody liars.

Very pleased to hear you liked it. I appreciate the read and comments.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 27 - 28
rendevous
Posted: March 10th, 2016, 6:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2385
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from James McClung
Aimless in a narrative sense.


Steady there. Naturally I disagree.  


Quoted from James McClung
The initial conflict is whether or not to buy the car. They do, and afterward, there isn't a continuation of that conflict, but an introduction of a new, unrelated one.


Eh? I don't think it's unrelated. Joe's moodiness continues after they buy the car. It's also his motivation for his suspicions about the buyer. This puts his heckles up so he suspects something as out there as them being followed by persons unknown. Not unrelated. It creates tension and possibilities. But, what would be wrong in changing what the conflict is in a script?

A couple buy a car then stuff happens in said car. Can't see how that's aimless. I think was more it wasn't what you were expecting.


Quoted from James McClung
Joe takes a moment to listen to the engine, but nothing comes from it. Sure, the exhaust falls off in the end, but all the time between then is dedicated to the BMW.


Hang on, nothing comes of it? Apart from that bit when it does. In between things could happen. It's part of the set up. I'm of the mind you don't have to pay every little single thing off. Especially not in a comedy. I find that stuff makes stories a lot more predictable. If it was a detective story or the like then tying stuff up is more important.


Quoted from James McClung
If the BMW were the central conflict from the start, I might not have said anything. But as of now, it feels like to separate plotlines.If they'd bought a car that had no issues at all, it would've panned out the same way, since the exhaust doesn't fall off until the secondary conflict is resolved. Perhaps maybe the car starts to have issues while they are being pursued? That'd be a nice way to bridge the two plotlines.


Perhaps, but it wouldn't suit me. Might work better if it was a drama. But I don't think it'd be very funny.


Quoted from James McClung
I did like it. I'm just trying to suggest ways it could've been stronger.


I know. You have some interesting ideas. I'm glad to hear you did like it. Previous to this I was under the impression you didn't. So that's great. It was good, wasn't it? I loved it. It started off well then got better.


Quoted from James McClung
This is fair. I do try to avoid comments until after I've read the script. I did here. I do read the other comments so as not to be redundant or perhaps to find ways I can shed light on issues from different angles whilst still in the context of the discussion at large. Sometimes I don't, though; depends on my mood, I suppose.


I was nagging about plot details in comments. So fair enough.


Quoted from James McClung
I'd be happy if you did. Despite finding some areas of the script problematic, I was entertained, again, mostly due to your dialogue. I wouldn't necessarily be satisfied with that, but that's not my call. Happy to help, in any case.


I was on about taking your last paragraph as a plus. I didn't post my previous comments you were responding to as having them in this post would make me look like a nutter who should be on meds.

All's good, James. I probably act like the lady who doth protest too much. But she has better legs. Thanks for the read and the comments.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 28 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006