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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Coming to Terms Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Coming to Terms by Steve Meredith - Short, Drama - Almost a decade has passed since Wesley Higgs left the love of his life, Ashley Warner behind without saying a word.  Now, after they've both accomplished a great deal in their respective Air Force careers, they reunite, and Wesley tries to convince Ashley to come with him to the private sector.   8 pages - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Steve - gave it a read. I think it needs work.

I think you should include your character ages when you introduce them.

This is a nit - but here and there you include extra words you don't need.


Quoted Text
.. a room packed with U.S. Air Force
personnel, all in their own dress uniforms, ...


.. a room packed with U.S. Air Force
personnel, in dress uniforms, ....

i.e. you don't need "their own" - who'e else would they be wearing?


Quoted Text
Higgs is looking around the room to see if he recognizes
anyone he knows.

Should be: Higgs looks around the room to see if he recognizes
anyone......

You don't need "he knows" - i.e, he wouldn't recognize someone he doesn't know. Also - in most cases it is good to avoid the ing words. i.e., Higgs looks - reads better than Higgs is looking.

This is also an opportunity to punch up descriptive language. Rather than looks - use something like Higgs scans[u]  the room as it is more descriptive of his action.

If it were me - I would use Wesley and Ashley as the Character Name in the Dialogue header rather than Warner.

This:
[quote]WARNER:
Can I ask you something?
HIGGS:
Of course.
WARNER:
You still love me, don't you?


IMO - doesn't work. She doesn't want anything to do with him - so why would she offer up this inquiry? It is also too much in the middle of an otherwise casual conversation. i.e., if she wanted this info I think she would have got at it in a more subtle way.

Much of the dialogue seemed forced to me, especially in light of the fact the these folks have not seen each other in a decade. The expectations just too much. For example, did Wes really think that a girl he abandoned ten years ago would be interested in dropping everything and taking off with him?


Quoted Text
What a silly, stupid girl I was.
To think that in choosing the
academy, in choosing to dedicate my
life to defending America, that I
might meet an honorable man with
whom I could spend the rest of my
days.


The above seemed borderline sexist - would a man ever join the academy in hopes of finding a woman??? I just didn't buy it.

I think you have an interesting premise - However, I don't think it is executed as well as it could be. The dialogue is too on the nose and in some cases not really realistic - look for subtleties. Ask yourself, is this really the conversation that two lovers would have after not seeing each other for ten years. There are no questions about whether they are married, have kids, etc.

Anyway - hope this helps in some way. Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Hey Dave,

A lil FYI: Steve M has been posting his screenplays on SS for quite some time but as far as I know has never posted in response to any feedback.

I know this cause I also have left rather comprehensive notes on a couple of his scripts in the past and well, he probably reads the feedback (maybe?), but it is always a one way conversation if you get my drift. Just thought you might want to know for future reference. Imh, it's much nicer when it's a two-way.


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eldave1
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hey Dave,

A lil FYI: Steve M has been posting his screenplays on SS for quite some time but as far as I know has never posted in response to any feedback.

I know this cause I also have left rather comprehensive notes on a couple of his scripts in the past and well, he probably reads the feedback (maybe?), but it is always a one way conversation if you get my drift. Just thought you might want to know for future reference. Imh, it's much nicer when it's a two-way.


Thanks much, Libby - appreciate the info


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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