After reading two of your shorts in a row and seeing this happen again I imaging it is a style choice. One I don’t necessarily agree with, but hey, we don’t all have to agree.

I think this could be written more clearly. I feel it at least needs its own slug.

“She closes her eyes and is transported, in her mind’s eye,
to a disco. The hand of a strong man at her waist. They
twirl, and he lets her go to spin freely.”

I feel like this dialogue exposes something we did not see, and it would have been nice to be shown, in some way, instead of told. How did she see right through him? Feels like a bit of a leap. How does she know he only sees beauty in it other than the fact that she is telling us?

GLADYS
It means I’m close. He thought he
could pretend, but I saw through
him right away. To him, there is
only beauty in it, you see. But, to
me... I don’t want to... I don’t
want to die.

I think that pretty much everything that happens after the FADE OUT is unnecessary, we already know the twist. It seems like padding.

Well written as always.

Look forward to seeing the finished production, always great to see something made, and you have a lot lined up.

Excellent!

Nice Dustin, they did a good job on Evicted and should do the same here.

I actually just wrote something with Death as a character and tried to stay away from making him some pure evil force. The way you portrayed Frank was great, all charming and friendly and almost naive in the sense that he tries to turn the experience of passing away into this magical journey. But Gladys sees it for what is, that she's going to die, and it terrifies her. Really interesting stuff here. Look forward to seeing what you think of mine.

Quoted from Warren After reading two of your shorts in a row and seeing this happen again I imaging it is a style choice. One I don’t necessarily agree with, but hey, we don’t all have to agree.

None of us have to agree at all. Not like you're going to make my script, so your opinion is just an opinion. Funnily enough it's the same opinion a few other writers have... nobody else in the film industry cares though. What is unclear to you is perfectly clear to them because they aren't hampered by rules.

Quoted Text I think this could be written more clearly. I feel it at least needs its own slug. “She closes her eyes and is transported, in her mind’s eye, to a disco. The hand of a strong man at her waist. They twirl, and he lets her go to spin freely."

It's perfectly clear already. She closes her eyes, and then is transported (in her mind's eye) to a disco. Blah, blah, blah. Why does it need its own slug? She's in her own mind, a memory. Up to the director how he'd like to film that.

For what it's worth, I only go the literal route when the memory or flashback is just a few lines of action and I can make it clear. I know you think it isn't clear, but you're just a writer. Your opinion on this doesn't count for very much because it's a style choice. It doesn't compute properly in your brain, you have to arrive at my way of thinking and consider it logical, then you consider it OK to do, then you may even find yourself doing it... can't have that. Must resist. Must resist.

Quoted Text GLADYS It means I’m close. He thought he could pretend, but I saw through him right away. To him, there is only beauty in it, you see. But, to me... I don’t want to... I don’t want to die. I feel like this dialogue exposes something we did not see, and it would have been nice to be shown, in some way, instead of told. How did she see right through him? Feels like a bit of a leap.

That's what her son thought too. The wild imaginings of an old lady. It's what the reader should be questioning too at this point so thanks for noting this. If it's obvious all the way through then there wouldn't be the story that I wanted to tell.

Quoted Text How does she know he only sees beauty in it other than the fact that she is telling us?

She know, or we know? This is inferred by the Death character being a happy, carry-your-shopping, make-you-a-cup-of-tea kind of guy, rather than a skeleton that turns up and harvests your soul with a scythe. There are other nuances that I can't be bothered to go into.

Quoted Text I think that pretty much everything that happens after the FADE OUT is unnecessary, we already know the twist. It seems like padding.

Not sure what you mean by 'pretty much everything'. Is that a polite way of saying 'everything'? Or, do you really mean 'pretty much'? Most. I think that would have been a better choice if you meant the latter. I'm confused as to which bits you mean. Anyway, I disagree. This story is not about the twist... it is about getting older and death. The ending is very important as it must show the unease on Warren's face. LOL... I just realised that my character and you have the same name. Anyway, I don't feel that the bedroom scene with he waking up and getting the call is necessary, but the director may feel different. However, he seeing her dead in bed is important for the over all message. I didn't write this story as a twist ending, it was more about mystery than any attempt to directly trick the reader.

Quoted Text Well written as always. Look forward to seeing the finished production, always great to see something made, and you have a lot lined up.

It's been a good year so far. Cheers.

Quoted from eldave1 Excellent!

Cheers, Dave. Looking forward to reading some of your own if you ever get around to it.

Quoted from MarkItZero Nice Dustin, they did a good job on Evicted and should do the same here. I actually just wrote something with Death as a character and tried to stay away from making him some pure evil force. The way you portrayed Frank was great, all charming and friendly and almost naive in the sense that he tries to turn the experience of passing away into this magical journey. But Gladys sees it for what is, that she's going to die, and it terrifies her. Really interesting stuff here. Look forward to seeing what you think of mine.

Thanks mate, that's exactly what I was going for so it's nice to hear it worked for you. I look forward to reading yours, everything I've read so far has been top notch.

Quoted Text Cheers, Dave. Looking forward to reading some of your own if you ever get around to it.

Janet just posted the re-write to: The Object of My Infection" on shooting the shorts. You can catch it here when you have time:


http://media.wix.com/ugd/4e8bd1_bd2bc777d2964f8ca826195b831cd13a.pdf

Quoted from eldave1 Janet just posted the re-write to: The Object of My Infection" on shooting the shorts. You can catch it here when you have time: http://media.wix.com/ugd/4e8bd1_bd2bc777d2964f8ca826195b831cd13a.pdf

Is it hosted here too? If not then you should for maximum exposure. That way I can bump your thread, unless you just want an email?

Yes - here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1443360255/s-0/