SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 1st, 2021, 4:06pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The scripts of the November OWC are up!


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Noob Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Noob  (currently 872 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15021
Posts Per Day
1.97
Noob by James Barron (MarkItZero) - Short, Comedy - A highly evolved, alien-made artificial intelligence system tries to teach a cantankerous 80-year-old human how to work an iPhone. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3541
Posts Per Day
1.76
James, this is fantastic! So, so funny. Storywise, I've got nothing for you. I enjoyed this start to finish. Really great job.

I think everyone here is quickly learning you have a true knack for comedy writing.

That said, I think you can clean it up a bit. Such a great story, but I find myself getting distracted by your style of writing and I wish I wouldn't.

First up, it's minor, but when you have the POV, Henry accidentally pushes 2 while we are in his POV, but his vision in blurry, how can we see this through his eyes? I think that info should stand alone out of the POV.

After reading a few of your shorts now, I think it's safe to say the over capitalisation and capitalised dialogue is a style choice. It's one I am really not a fan of. I think it is completely unnecessary and you are making a great story hard to read.

You also have a lot of written numbers, as in, not spelt out. It has it's place but here it is over done. You say binary code, then go and write a line of code. Looks sloppy and I'm sure most people know what it looks like.

Lastly, this is clearly big budget type stuff. As a short I'm not sure it would be picked up and if it was maybe not by people who could really do it justice. It's a damn shame because it's great.

Congrats and good luck with it



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Warren  -  June 24th, 2016, 8:17pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
MarkItZero
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1005
Posts Per Day
0.49
Hey Warren, glad you liked the story. Over capitalization as a style choice may be giving me too much credit, more like just another bad habit I need to break. Already went back and edited a bit of that out. There's still probably way too much but oh well.

And yeah, this may be too expensive to actually make. But I had to get the story out of my brain and onto the page or I wouldn't be able to move on something else.

Thanks for the read.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
eldave1
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 10:51am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6510
Posts Per Day
2.43
Smartly written and funny. I had one hic-cup:


Quoted Text
Pauleen turns on a tiny black-and-white TV and starts watching the news.


Not even sure you could get one of these today - not sure you needed the black and white TV - I know -a minor nit.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
DavidV
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
Agree with the previous posters. This was a pleasure to read; clever concept, clever dialogue, and very well executed. Only thing I'm not sure about is the title.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
MarkItZero
Posted: June 26th, 2016, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1005
Posts Per Day
0.49
Thanks for the read guys.

Dave -- Good call on the TV. Don't know why I put that in even. Think because I was writing something else with a scene in the past with a black-and-white TV and unconsciously added one in here too.

Other Dave -- You think the title is too obscure or too nerdy? I'm open to suggestions on a new title.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
RichardR
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 9:59am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
899
Posts Per Day
0.35
James,

Some notes.

First, congrats  This one reads well and works for me.  The story reinforces the old adage, 'nothing is foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool.'  

I'll echo the nit about the TV.  It's not necessary to have such an old set.  Other than that, good work.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
DavidV
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 10:19am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from MarkItZero

Other Dave -- You think the title is too obscure or too nerdy? I'm open to suggestions on a new title.

It's just when I think of the term 'Noob', I think of an experienced gamer dissing a novice gamer. That's just me though. I guess the term has caught on to mean someone who is inexperienced in more than just gaming or internet activities these days, so maybe it's not a problem.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
eldave1
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 11:11am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6510
Posts Per Day
2.43
I play a lot of poker. Noob is a pejorative we use to describe novice players. This thread made me look it up in the dictionary.

" a person who is inexperienced in a particular sphere or activity, especially computing or the use of the Internet."

So, it that sense it perfectly describes the story. That being said, if you think it too obscure for some a few off the top suggestions:

* Cell Mate
* SmARRP Phone
* A Hard Cell

But like I said - Noob fits



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
MarkItZero
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1005
Posts Per Day
0.49
As DavidV said, I usually think of it in reference to gaming. But more and more it seems to be used to describe anyone inexperienced at anything, like poker as eldave mentioned. Probably stick with the title I have. The real problem is the cost of making it. I gotta stop writing shorts that involve spaceships and demons and other things that no one will be able to film on a tight budget.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006