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As far as the language goes, I never in my regular life even encounter foul language, so to me, it doesn't seem natural to use coarse words. I'm not sure why, but pretty much the only place I encounter bad language is online. When I'm at work surrounded by guys only, no one ever says a bad word around me. Nor does anyone in my family. These people have also never read any of my scripts, lol! Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that we seem to use a different language sometimes in scripts than what we do in real life. I also wanted to keep this one kind of clean and only use references and such.
I do agree that it ends with a whimper rather than a bang. I'd like to end it with a bang, but without getting too explicit or up the rating.
This script was posted four days ago and it's already been picked up. A student, but still shows people are perusing SS for material. Looking forward to see what they do with it!
One great thing here was that the professor insisted on the writer's permission!
As an alternate ending... Perhaps have the two cops return to their car and pickup the conversation where it was left. Then Dwayne may half-jokingly say that he wouldn't mine adding to his current notebook an entry like "Kelly, 31, BJ -- five out of five". Which is totally legit since he's only offering a rating, not money.
Normally, I don't comment on produced scripts, but as the script is available...
I thought it was okay. I thought your explanation of it was much more interesting; the script itself was fun but a little too sparse for my taste, both narratively and in terms of how it lives up to your initial concept. It's a somewhat strange vibe, though, when you think about it (the idea of Clerks meets End of Watch crossed my mind), which I appreciated, and the twist was genuinely funny and out of left field.
On the ending, indeed I don't think it's all that strong. I recently watched Jim Jefferies' new Netflix special in which he suggested prostitution is illegal in the United States... unless you film it and sell/distribute it as porn. I thought this was an interesting point and could perhaps tie into some of the ideas you've explored here. I don't have any particular full-fledged idea I could throw your way, but this is something that occurred to me after reading the script/comments. Food for thought (might have to retire this phrase, considering how many times I've used it over the years... but that's what it is ).
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