Thanks for taking a look.

I'll think on what you said and have another look at the script tomorrow.

Appreciate it.

Hi Warren,

Take what you like and discard the rest!

It was well paced and written, but I agree with the others, it needs more story, twist.

The opening action line didn't confuse me, I got that they were driving. I like the play and silliness between them at the beginning, good dialogue, well executed.

'two large bones laying smoldering on the coals', this part stuck out for me.... I thought instantly that the bones were human, legs or arm bones, because you described them as large. I figured they would see this too, and felt surprised when  neither of them reacted to the size of the bones. Maybe you could eliminate the word large, instead describe that they still had meat on them, fresh? ...  It will still make sense later that they were human. Just as long as we know there were bones.

I agree with Michael about 'Joe waits, a fist races towards her.'  This part seems too subtle. It's confusing at first. I'm wondering... where is Joe? Then all of a sudden there is a fist in her face. I'm taken away from her then thrust back at her with the fist from nowhere, then I realize it's Joe....too much figuring out for a small action shot.  I think we just need to know where Joe is in that moment, and the rest is evident.  


I'm sure you can come up with a clever twist to this.

Thanks for the read, Kristen.

Your comments are pretty much echoed by everyone, so I'll probably do a bit of a rewrite if I can be bothered with this one.

I did fix a few bits and pieces up though. I thought I changed the whole Joe punching her part, does it still read awkwardly?

Anyway, cheers for the input.

Warren,

Remember this, of course, from the owc. I liked it then, wasn't enamored with it. I remember commenting about we didn't feel too much for our protags. This is still true. Just two stupid kids who hear a knock from inside the trunk yet still decide to come back at night. Silly, but it's a horror. My rule of thumb with horror is that anything goes, that is if you're doing like a Freddy or Jason thing. Those can get pretty silly. You're not going for that here, that's why their decision to come back may not seem to fit. Personally, I'd be scared shirtless the first time. But then, if they don't come back then how are they gonna get killed, right?

We pretty much know from the get-go these kids are gonna get killed. Why not lead us on a little, give us a false sense of calm? Make Joe super nice at first, then turn the tables on us later? Maybe. Just an idea.  

And another thing about this, and I believe someone had mentioned this too, was that there appeared to be no dire consequence for them to get this footage. Perhaps it could've been a school project where, if it doesn't get done, one of our protags fails the course or something like that. I dunno. At least then you'd have a reason for them to go back.

Sorry if I repeated anything. Didn't read any comments.

Aside from all that, very well written and played out in my mind nicely. Just needs a little rationale, IMO.

Steve

Thanks for taking another look, Steven.

I’m in two minds about this script, one day I want to knuckle down and try turn it into something better and the next I feel like it’s run its course.

I truly love this subgenre and it was my first attempt at it.

I recently finished a feature so I don’t think I'll write anything new until after the OWC. Maybe then I will have a good look at this.

Appreciated as always.