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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  An Encounter with Harry Cox Moderators: bert
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  Author    An Encounter with Harry Cox  (currently 65 views)
Don
Posted: March 14th, 2021, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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An Encounter With Harry Cox by Christopher Stewart - Short, Comedy - A normal day at a small-town ice cream parlor goes coffee the rails after the owner receives some bad news. 18 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JEStaats
Posted: March 17th, 2021, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hey Christopher,

Firstly, your logline needs a correction "...goes coffee the rails...". I believe it should be "...goes off the rails..."?

There are some truly funny bits in there - good job. I think it could be funnier by fixing some of the clunky dialogue: Instead of 'cocaine and fornication', how about 'coke and a poke'? Same with using the term coitus. I'm pretty sure Sheldon Cooper is the only person in the world that uses it in everyday speech. Unless that was meant to be funny, then that's on me.

Otherwise, a funny skit you have here. Totally outrageous and 'coffee the rails'.
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