Superposition by Sean Riley - Short, Drama - A woman with a tragic past seeks to destroy the thread binding her to an existence somewhere between life and death. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, everyone. Your responses to a previous short script of mine encouraged me to make it into a short film. I've been considering filming this as a short film. Would love to gain some outside perspective on it.

This is a very good read.
Feedback coming shortly...

From a purely technical/formatting angle CAP your characters on intro and give them ages. We have no idea what Christine and the Prof look like so imbuing them with more personality would only add to what we can only imagine at the moment.

Campbell might as well wave her in now.
You could be a little more specific with an actual action here though we can (again) conjure it and perceive this guy to be a bit ornery and pedantic (we get the latter with the time on the clock).

I know you're thinking of filming this yourself but this bit at the bottom of the page is lacking a 'more' and 'cont'd' - check your software settings. I would personally start this dialogue (below) on the next page. You want your screenplays to look as Pro as possible regardless of who's filming.
CHRISTINE
I've been having some trouble with...

For the most part spell out numbers in dialogue - 5 five.

CAMPBELL
You're not really a student are you.

Add a question mark, unless you really think this comes across as rhetorical.

I love that Campbell is so egotistical and arrogant he thinks Christine wants her text book autographed.

At this point:

CAMPBELL
"Favorite Co-particle"?
CHRISTINE
I'm being cringe, aren't I. I'm sorry.
I can be such a sperg.

- things become wonderfully sinister.
And Campbell's such an oaf he still doesn't catch on. Great stuff.

I won't quote it cause I want others to read it and be affected by it like I was, suffice to say the 'gloaming' passage really got me. The ability to move someone and make a reader really feel it with the written word is what we writers all strive to achieve. You got me. Great work there!

She moves her mouth to his ear.
CHRISTINE
(whispers)
I am the poison.

And here!
So creepy.
Great stuff.

Campbell chokes.

Christine releases his hand.
I didn't really get why he was choking in this instance. Christine's physical actions are not entirely clear to me from this point (below) onwards.

Christine cradles his hand and cell phone with hers.

Moving on...

Campbell freezes in that moment. Before daring to peer
inside. In the gloaming.

I think you just need something extra for your denouement.

We have the advantage of reading the gloaming line. But this all comes down to what we see and here in this final moment.

What we will see is the house at dusk, we'll see the shadows lengthening in the house, the lights not yet turned on, his voice echoing in the silence, maybe a TV on, or music playing? A record skipping perhaps? There's so much perceived threat up to this point but is this ending enough? It might be...

I'll leave you to answer that, and hopefully others will chime in with an opinion.

I thoroughly enjoyed this!

Can you link to the film you made?

P.S. One thing you might also think about is the time in the script. Christine meets Campbell just before 1 pm and then not long after their chat when he's racing home it's dusk which in Winter would be around 5pm? That means four hours has elapsed.

LC, thanks so much for taking the time to read! I'm so glad you had a positive experience with the script--even moreso that you felt an emotional resonance with it.

Quoted Text From a purely technical/formatting angle CAP your characters on intro and give them ages. We have no idea what Christine and the Prof look like so imbuing them with more personality would only add to what we can only imagine at the moment.

As a writer/director, I ceased providing description for my characters a while back unless it's a must for story purposes. I try to leave enough open to be surprised by potential actors and their choices. Additionally, I use Celtx for screenwriting and production purposes. If you've ever dealth with the quirkiness of that app, you quickly find that all-caps'ing any character name becomes a pain in the ass when later completing a script breakdown.

Quoted Text I won't quote it cause I want others to read it and be affected by it like I was, suffice to say the 'gloaming' passage really got me. The ability to move someone and make a reader really feel it with the written word is what we writers all strive to achieve. You got me. Great work there!

Wonderful! I absolutely needed this to hit home to make the premise work.

Quoted Text P.S. One thing you might also think about is the time in the script. Christine meets Campbell just before 1 pm and then not long after their chat when he's racing home it's dusk which in Winter would be around 5pm? That means four hours has elapsed.

Good catch with this as I totally missed the continuity break. My original intent was to challenge myself to complete a short story in just one setting/scene. I cheated by moving to a second location at the end for visual impact. Maybe I should re-imagine ending things in the office.

Probably my biggest concerns presently with the script are: 1) Making Christine's visit/motive/plan at the office believable and 2) translating the superposition concept to audiences. I'm also realizing that the "gloaming" theme and the "superposition" theme may be neutralizing each other and I may need to focus on one and not both.

Here's a link to the other short film you asked about. I no longer make the film publicly accessible because I'm not proud of it in hindsight and have since completed more respectable films.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5625528/?ref_=nm_knf_t_3

I personally think the superposition and gloaming themes complement each other really well.
You don't have as much meaning if you eliminate one.

Thanks for the link. I'll take a look
Ah okay, is that film no longer for viewing?

P.S. You should try Trelby for screenwriting or one of the other free screenwriting apps available.
https://www.trelby.org/