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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Sci Fi - January 07 One Week Challenge  ›  Pop Goes the Robot
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Don
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pop Goes the Robot by Alex Sheldon - Short, Sci Fi , Comedy - Karens having a double-uber-clutch birthday bash!  But will her nasty robot chef ruin everyones good time? 10 pages - doc, format


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James McClung
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Might as well start at the top of the list...

This had a couple problems I thought prevented it from being good. First off, the characters. They're all exactly the same. It's clear from their brades, jewlery, jumpsuits, etc. that this was intentional however I don't think it worked at all. There's supposed to be a conflict between Debbie and Gretchen yet it doesn't seem to make a world of difference. There could just as easily been a conflict between Karen and Stacy or Sheila and Janice. All you'd have to do is change the names. Everything else would stay the same. I think there has to be something to differentiate each character for the conflict between them to have any impact.

Secondly, there's the dialogue. It's rediculously over-the-top and makes for an irritating read. I often felt it took away from the story, it was so irritating. Again, I think this was intentional but I don't think anyone would talk like this, even in the future (unless this is Idiocracy, which it isn't).

Then there's Robochef. At the end of the script, he reveals a benevolent motive for his rampage yet at the begining of the script, it's clearly shown that his change in demeanor is triggered by a mechanical malfunction. Speaking of which, a single piece of popcorn wouldn't cause such a malfunction. It would definitely be shredded in the gears. A single kernal would have been more believable.

I think before you can be on your way to having a decent story, you'll need to fix these problems.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I've never seen so many OMGs before. That got kind of annoying, and was way over the top of the stereotypical preppy girl, along with the "Paint our nails" part, and was about to become worse when Gretchen wanted to call boys, but I was glad to see that the rest disagreed to.

The ending turned out to be something you decided to write down because you had no other way to end it, so that was pretty random to make it end like that. I'm with James on this too when it came to the part on how they dressed. Will it end up to where we don't know who is who because they might all look alike if this were actually filmed? We could only tell when one of them is talking to another and using their names in the sentence. But we won't have a problem pointing Grechen out, now would we?

I do feel that Karen should have gotten up, stated her line, and turned out to be a zombie, though!

Sean


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mcornetto
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Oh my god...Oh my god...that was like so clutch....

Actually.

I thought the premise was cute and original.  It could use a bit of editing and tightening.  I liked that you experimented with their slang, and you pulled that part of the script off, some more of that would have been fun. OMG is so over used today, couldn't you think of some other expression to replace it?

The ending....hmmm....not the best but I thought it worked well enough when taken in the context of the story.  

I didn't exactly like this script but I didn't hate it either.  Would like to see it when a bit more time and thought has been put into it.  
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Mr.Z
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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OMG! This one was totally like… whatever! Haha! I kept laughing all the way. Some part of my brain kept telling me: “This is stupid, man. You can’t laugh at this.” But I did. A lot.

It’s true that there’s some irrationality all over this tale: girls are so alike that look like clones, their OMG’s diarrhea, the robochef’s malfunction, etc. But, the way I see it, picking on this aspects would be like making a serious study on plot and characterization in “Scary Movie”.

It seems to me that the author wanted to write a spoof and, IMO, he/she succeeded.

The only thing that let my down was the ending. After that nice setup of stupid giggling annoying girls I was uber-totally-plus ready for a robo-massacre, but the story took a friendly turn.

There’s sci-fi in here and there’s pop corn. And they both played a relevant part in the story. Good job.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Kevan that the author is making a comment.  I think that it is in a way mocking sci-fi with robo-chef, that it is making a comment on the more "modern" speech of lil' girls, and also how they all want to be the same.  The only character that is really any different at all was gretchen and she was mocked for it.

But I could definetely tell that it was rushed.  All the things I just pointed out could have had a much bigger effect if just a little more time was taken.

-Tyler


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tomson
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not really sure what to say about this one.

I will agree with pretty much what everyone else has said already.  All the girls were very much alike, the way their hair was done, their clothing and they way they spoke, except with their clothing was different colors, but that was good otherwise I would not have been able to tell them apart at all.

Gretchen was different than the other girls, I expected something to happen with her or that it would lead somewhere.

I think I understand what you were trying to do with the way they all spoke, but like Jordan said after a while it just got old and started to get annoying.

This script did have sci-fi in it and you did have popcorn so you followed the assignment of a one-week challenge. I just wasn't thrilled with the story, I'm sorry.

Pia
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Helio
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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I realy don't know who wrote this one, but one thing saved it: the fact that in the future people continue to camping in a moonlight.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I'm afraid that the girls will be like Sheila, Debbie, Gretchen etc...the future will be dark! Oh, mydgod!
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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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This one I liked a lot. One of the best ones I've read from this challenge. It reminded me of a futuristic Mean Girls.

SPOILERCLUTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I liked how they busted out calling Gretchen a whore. lol. The robot saying prepare to...enjoy and camping on the moon was pretty funny too. And the robot killing everyone to get the girls back together was splendidly outrageous. And I think I know who's handy work this is.


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DDP
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
This one I liked a lot. One of the best ones I've read from this challenge. It reminded me of a futuristic Mean Girls.



Lol. Right, I hadn't thought of that but now that you mention it, it does remind me of that movie a little.

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greg
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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I couldn't help but smile throughout this.  I know everything in here was intentional, and it did get really annoying, but I think it goes to show what the future will be like if little girls continue to idolize chicks like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

So, ya know, the story wasn't great, but it was a charmer.  Something like an SNL skit.  Good job.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 29th, 2007, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone for reading this.

I think some people got what I was going for, some people didn't, and some people got what I was going for and still didn't like it.  It was easy to write, and amusing and I still laugh at it when i read it beacuse I can picture it so well.  I think I m,ight write a sequel.

-Tyler


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dogglebe
Posted: January 30th, 2007, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was very good, until the end.  The identical characterization of the girls, IMHO, was intentional as that's how friends are.  I don't know if the author made up the terms that they used (clutch, lolly, etc), but it seemed realistic.

The ending seemed like something that you through in out of desperation and that you couldn't come up with anything else.


Phil
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Higgonaitor
Posted: February 8th, 2007, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Everyone, the re-write is up but with a different ending and a few other changes.

Any reads or rereads would be greatly appreciated.

Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
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Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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