SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 6th, 2020, 6:02am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The June, 2020 OWC scripts will be posted at 2:00 am June 7th (ADST) or noon on June 6th (EDT)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Sadie The Maker - WT
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Sadie The Maker - WT  (currently 2262 views)
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:56pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Sadie The Maker by Anthony J. Russo (ajr) writing as  - Short, Action - A young girl with special powers is humanity's only hope. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 17th, 2018, 12:47pm
revised draft
Site Private Message
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:52pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Pet peeve: please don't end a screenplay with a colon. It just doesn't make sense. FADE OUT or FADE OUT. is more appropriate.

I think it's sad that this doesn't have more comments. It's pretty good, though not precisely my cup of tea. The dialogue (and really, the whole setting) was a bit cheesy by my estimation--too cheesy for me, actually--but it does flow well. The script and the story are true to themselves and what they are, through and through. There's an honesty to it.

The voice-overs were overly lengthy and could benefit from being trimmed. They drown out the visuals sometimes. This is of course subjective; others could think differently.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 22
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Down Under
Posts Per Day
Heavily influenced by Terminator 2, well, the VO is; Sadie=Sarah. The battle of man versus demons instead of Skynet.

Great concept and it started well. But Sadie’s dialogue became long winded and I began to skim. I liked the narrative structure and it was done pretty well for the 5 page limit. Just wasn’t a fan of Sadie’s esoteric ramblings lol

Private Message Reply: 2 - 22
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
Posts Per Day
I quite enjoyed that.

One issue though is that the ratio of voice over dialogue to the action it will go over doesn’t work. Quite a few parts that are really lean on action with lots of talking. Does that make sense?

What are we seeing during all the dialogue? I realise you can draw out the scenes, but still.

Anyway it’s a minor nit.

Well done.

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website


Shaka Comic Book

Private Message Reply: 3 - 22
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts Per Day
I like the concept, but also thought the voice-overs were laid on a bit thick. Par for the course in an early draft, so I hope no one holds it against you.

One nit is that a Christian superhero wouldn’t summon Hercules... she’d summon Joan of Arc or St. Ignatious or something.

Great job.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 22
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Southern California
Posts Per Day
Not sure you don't need SUPERS for the time changes (they're embedded in scene headings)

Descriptions are vivid - set the scene nicely

The VOs became a bit tedious - perhaps if they were broken up a bit.

Solid effort for the short time

My Scripts can all be seen here:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 22
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 9:23am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

Posts Per Day

A WOMAN lies prone while three hairy, blood-matted DEMONS
crouch beside her.

Hairy and blood-matted, and... ? That's it? Are they 3 Harvey Weinstein's by any chance? She is prone, perhaps they are Bill Cosbys? What do you want me to see here? You go for monsters then it's your job to build an adequate image of what they look like.

Do people actually see these scripts or do they just read the words and wrap up a summarisation in their minds? How can poor, unvisual writing ever be deemed solid?


Her blood-curdling SCREAM portends the
unspeakable acts of horror that will follow.

I like this. it says a lot in a small space. It serves to help us better hear the type of scream and the way it is screamed. Nice.

Yeah, this is way better than the other one. I'm shocked they are so close as the writing here is more visual - demons aside.

Ouch. Ruined with the VO telling me everything. So cliche, so... been done, and done to death, at that.

It's all gone a bit Buffy. I think I was too old to watch that. From what I saw of it it looked like badly acted crap aimed at kids.

Writing: 3
Story: 1

Total: 2

Private Message Reply: 6 - 22
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:00am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Nice story here. And I liked Sadie.

I won't tell the specifics but if you have that question for me I will - I just think her speech is a bit dispersed as opposed to be forming a case. I believe if you give it time and reread it later you'll see what I mean.
I think you're seeing it now after submitting.
I'm saying this because it's strong and can be even better.

And I liked the ending.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 22
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Killing villains since 1980!

Buffalo NY
Posts Per Day
I thought it was too much talking, not enough action.  

And she didn't feel like a superhero, she felt like a prophet or something.  

Too much exposition.  All the dialog did was explain how we got here.  Nothing really happened in the here and now.

It was pretty good, but, I'm gonna have to read the other one and see which one was better.

I'm not sure if I can add any advice save for the following:

You don't need the time jumps.
Cut down on the expositional dialog.
more action.

Good luck

Please read my scripts:

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 22
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Cut to three weeks earlier

London, UK
Posts Per Day
It's not bad.  The one thing I'm not keen on is the over use of V.O.  It feels like the intro to a film where the real story will start, the action.  To me this was a warm up.  I still enjoyed it.  

All the best.

Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 22
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:41am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Sadie The Maker

Short notes: Pretty poetic VOs, thumbs up, feels authentic for this picture. The time changes were irritating since the reader must even get it in context to the timeline the vo is coming from. And if it's that complicated you really have to be very attentive and precise to deliver those changes in reader-friendly manner, which wasn't perfect to me and slowed down the read. I could see some great aspects that would play into some huge material. Atmosphere kept this one alive and I enjoyed some of it. That said, Sadie wasn't very active to me. It would need much more balance buuuut you have drawn a unique picture for sure.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 3

total: 9

Private Message Reply: 10 - 22
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
I liked the concept and the idea that the pure and blind) can combat the rising tide of demons, it's not wholly original but it's handled well.

I do think it's let down by the VO though, too much imho.

Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 22
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator

Posts Per Day
It felt like a odd cross between a short and the beginnings of an outline for a feature. You pretty much lay out an arc for Sadie. She just wants to be a kid but was thrust into this life and death situation where the fate of the world depends on her. The more she engages and lets her guard down, the more fear rushes in and could ultimately kill her. That's all really great stuff but we'd have to actually see it play out over a hundred pages instead of five pages of V.O.

I love the idea that only blind people can lead armies because they've never seen the enemy. I like everything about the world you've built so far. Write this as a feature!

That rug really tied the room together.
Private Message Reply: 12 - 22
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 10:42am Report to Moderator

Tucson, AZ
Posts Per Day
Very, very cool. I haven't read the comments and wonder if anyone knocked the VO's. I thought them necessary and vital to the storytelling. Great job. Would love to see this expanded.

I just read the comments and most everyone (of course) picked up on the excessive VO's. The short seems more like an introduction to a greater work and that the real story would go from this point.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 22
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 12:21pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
Sadie says nobody knows how Satan came then a page later claims it was a build up of negative energy.

I really like the premise of a blind girl fighting demons because she isn't afraid of them. However, this could be written better. Lots of formatting errors and the constant VO wears thin. It works at the beginning but Sadie won't shut up, lol. With a rewrite this coulda been a lot stronger.

Also, Daredevil would clean up in this world of yours. Movie reviews, news, and fun! Write a screenplay. Write. Now. Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 22
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006