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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Messenger of the Covenant
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  Author    Messenger of the Covenant  (currently 143 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2019, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Messenger of the Covenant by Mario Perrotta - Short, Action, Adventure - In 10th century England, a soldier is tasked with hunting down a child who is prophesied to overthrow the king. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 22nd, 2019, 8:51pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 18th, 2019, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mario,

some notes and thoughts…

First I thought the second scene is a little talky but perhaps I'd rather cut some of the first one. As is, you f.i. two times have the "you have the book"/ (in king scene) "we have the book" situation, and some mystic hints about the book might be cut to the essential we need to know. This may accelerate the plot. But so far, the exposition is already good – maybe just two to three dialogue blocks less and things would be on point.

Btw p3/4 better end with a full sentence at the page break.

P4 EALDWIC use a more precise slugline here like village square, cobbled main street something… give it more atmosphere

P4 I like your style but this is not a good sentence: " the same one Fremon came upon at the beginning"

It's clear you want to emphasize that it's the same river but do it more subtle or perhaps even simple. The word "beginning" f.i. completely drags me out of the moving story's here and now. Maybe just do something simple there like cap THE STREAM. I'm sure we will understand.

Another one: "Can she cross it safely while carrying her child?" – just cut that line

Wow, that last dialogue may cause some controversy…

It somehow tends to be a little flat and cheap fictional up to that it might be received as blasphemous to some.  Not that I personally would conceive it as either of those two extremes. Bold and direct it certainly is. Hm, I guess it'll come to the cinematic expression of the filmmakers to leave it or not. Definitely interested what others say here. However, controversy is most times quite a good reaction I think.

Two points that I like to mention. First, I have no clue why you haven't listed this as an adventure story, which, to me, it from head to toes embodies. And that's great. I so often read of people wanting to film vivid plots from specific story worlds as you got here.  

Secondly, a rather personal taste thing: I'm not so convinced of the - begin with a quotation approach. It always feels a little untouchable and overly-clever-I-must-say-this first. I, as probably yourself too, have read masses of these beginning quotes, and honestly , it's just too often done wrong that I just wrinkle my brows and scratch my head whenever they turn up…

Okay, otherwise it's a fun read. As far as I know, the British people, as many other societies for sure, enjoy some knights and mystic, ancient times plots.

You need to list this as an adventure. The genre is misleading by now. Drama is not what you're doing as a story experience. Contact a moderator or call me out and I try to reach and ask one to change the category - in case you agree.

Good work. It could be tighter in places and the flow should improve with one further polish I feel. The body of the story works well.

All best
Alex




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PrussianMosby  -  September 18th, 2019, 4:23pm
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coldsnap
Posted: September 22nd, 2019, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Alex,
Thanks for the great notes. Concise and helpful.


Quoted Text
that last dialogue ... somehow tends to be a little flat and cheap fictional


I certainly see how it can be viewed that way, but I think you understood what I was going for. This was never meant to be anything more than a fun little story. And yes, it could also read as a small piece of a much larger work - it does lend itself to some world-building.


Quoted Text
I'm not so convinced of the - begin with a quotation approach


I kind of like those actually. The TV show Millennium did that almost every episode. Made me sit up and roll up my sleeves  


Quoted Text
You need to list this as an adventure


I agree. I already asked Don to make the change. From the moment I submitted it I thought it wasn't quite accurate as description.

Thanks again for taking the time, appreciate it.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 22nd, 2019, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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'This was never meant to be anything more than a fun little story. And yes, it could also read as a small piece of a much larger work - it does lend itself to some world-building.'

Then I hear you.

Can you give me your best stuff?

I'd like to read into your feature script. It's Xander-Brauck@t-online.de

CU  




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PrussianMosby  -  September 22nd, 2019, 6:47pm
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coldsnap
Posted: September 22nd, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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I'm actually working on a "second chapter" to this, so stay tuned.


Quoted Text
Can you give me your best stuff?


My previous scripts are listed in my signature below. I wouldn't exactly call it my best stuff, but it's something.


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