SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 15th, 2019, 6:04pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Twist of Cain Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Twist of Cain  (currently 1551 views)
Don
Posted: January 19th, 2011, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13257
Posts Per Day
1.95
Twist of Cain by Mario Perrotta (coldsnap) - Short - A hunter tracks down his prey in the post apocalypse. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: January 19th, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
864
Posts Per Day
0.22
Interesting. Someone sells his soul. Been done a bajillion times. I'm not picking anything new out of this one. It flows well, though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
Aurelien81
Posted: January 20th, 2011, 2:05am Report to Moderator
New-ish


@TightropingElep

Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
So here are just a few things I can think of:

- It doesn't feel post-apocalytic, it feel westerny. Setting up a post apocalyptic world in a short script is a hell of a task and a desert is not the best way to convey the idea. If the main character were to walk through a deserted city before getting out of it and in the tavern then it would be easier to understand the world we are in.

- I'm not convienced by the fireballs coming out of the eyes. It has a comics feel to it which is not fitting in the world that is created.

- There is a cuting problem where there is no clear beginning and no clear ending. It feel slike a piece of a much longer story and not geting all the background information necessary to get right into the story. Then, it finishes without a clear ending and there agin, it makes the appreciation of the story fall as there is no conclusion in the audience mind.

- Being short makes all the charcaters mentionned but not appearing worthless: the brother suffering 5000 years, my brain can't apprehend 5000 years, it too long for me to fully grasp the meaning of the information and therefore he could suffer another 5000 years that I wouldn't care, it is too abstract. Someone won't keep the promess... ok then. Who? Why? Why is it relevant and how does it influence the character and the story?

Finally, if you were actually going for comics style writing, you might want to review the world your characters live in. If it isn't clear in the first page, in a short script, it won't grasp the audience attention. Also, reduce the number of characters mentionned to make it easier, in such a short time, for the audience to get to know the ones on screen.

Keep writing!

Revision History (1 edits)
Aurelien81  -  January 20th, 2011, 2:06am
too quick validation
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
khamanna
Posted: January 20th, 2011, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3209
Posts Per Day
0.88
I like the way it's written, was an easy read and I breezed through it.

I did not feel much neither for Slade nor for Cain though. I did not understand which one is good and which is bad - probably more like Cain is your main hero and he's good - but still it's not very clear from the story.
I'd also would like to hear more about his promise to the Black Suit. You opened on Slade - I think you better start with Cain if he's your main character.
The dagger at the end - it's probably an important bit, but I did not understand what it was leading up to and thus the ending was quite sudden for me - you left me wanting more.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
coldsnap
Posted: January 26th, 2011, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
32
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for the feedback. To tell you the truth, I wasn't going for a fully completed beginning/middle/end thing. This is very much a small piece of a much larger work, so Aurelien81, I can understand all the questions. Don't wanna go too deep into it now because I am going to expand it, but just thought I'd throw it out there anyway, as is. It's basically an idea in script format. I expect character names/settings to change as it expands. And yeah, I was going for a comic book kinda vibe, in fact I may rewrite/expand it as a comic book script (weird that there aren't any on this site, since we find plenty of radio scripts, anime, plays, musicals, etc). Ah well, maybe I'll be the first. Then again, I may continue in regular screenplay format, we'll see how it feels.
Great site.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
Dreamscale
Posted: January 27th, 2011, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11030
Posts Per Day
2.56
Hey Mario, welcome aboard.  I think I remember you from the last OWC.

Your script is OK, but nothing remotely new, and filled with various issues.  BUT, for some reason, I did find it engaging and had no problem reading until the end.

I've read and seen this concept hundreds of times.  The names, faces, and settings are always different, but it's the exact same thing when it comes down to it.  This reminded me an awful lot of Legion for some reason.

As for your writing, it's not bad overall, but there are some definite issues to look into.

For starters, there's no "FADE IN:". Your opening line talks about a character walking into frame, which isn't a very powerful opening.  Your Slug of "WASTELAND" really isn't accurate everywhere it's being used.  This tavern is most likely in some kind of town, with the wasteland surrounding it.  You 2nd passage has Slade right outside the tavern door, about to open it, yet we're still in the wasteland.  Yet, on page 2, when Slade leaves the tavern, your Slug is "EXT. TAVERN".

Most of your writing borders on novelistic, and passes the line frequently.  Your writing is also very passive, filled with "ing" verbs. There are several instances where you've got your verb tenses wrong (a few on page 3).

Not sure exactly how to describe this, but IMO, much of your writing doesn't "feel" like script writing.  Hard to pinpoint it, cause technically, it's mostly OK.  Maybe someone else will chime in.

So, all in all, it's a mixed bag for me.  It's run of the mill in terms of story, yet I found it engaging for some reason.  There are definite writing issues which can easily be cleaned up.  I'd bet you probably come from a more novelistic writing background, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.  Just keep reading and writing scripts and you'll get it down.

Hope this helps.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
coldsnap
Posted: January 28th, 2011, 12:16am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
32
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Dreamscale,

First of all, the caption under your photo cracked me up.

Secondly, you're bang on, I come from the world of prose writing (you could probably also tell from my OWC entry). In fact, I was debating writing this idea out in either prose or graphic novel format, but opted with screenplay, since it's more "quick and dirty". I just basically wanted to get my idea down before I forgot it... and decided to post it up here for some reason. As I mentioned before, it's more of an excerpt than a finished product, and I may just return to prose format to complete it, or continue to flesh it out in script form. In any case, your points are valid. A prose writer (and comic book writer for that matter) have no use for slug lines and I usually throw them into my scripts as an afterthought. Something to work on I guess.

I realize as far as excerpts go, it doesn't offer anything new story-wise, and I wasn't really going for originality or something groundbreaking, I was just fleshing out an idea. Hopefully as I keep expanding on it something intriguing will come out of it. The idea started with two names: Cain and Abel, set in the future. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for your time.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006