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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Twist of Cain Moderators: bert
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  Author    Twist of Cain  (currently 1576 views)
Posted: January 19th, 2011, 9:36pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Twist of Cain by Mario Perrotta (coldsnap) - Short - A hunter tracks down his prey in the post apocalypse. 6 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: January 19th, 2011, 9:54pm Report to Moderator

You know what a saguaro is?
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Interesting. Someone sells his soul. Been done a bajillion times. I'm not picking anything new out of this one. It flows well, though.
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Posted: January 20th, 2011, 2:05am Report to Moderator


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So here are just a few things I can think of:

- It doesn't feel post-apocalytic, it feel westerny. Setting up a post apocalyptic world in a short script is a hell of a task and a desert is not the best way to convey the idea. If the main character were to walk through a deserted city before getting out of it and in the tavern then it would be easier to understand the world we are in.

- I'm not convienced by the fireballs coming out of the eyes. It has a comics feel to it which is not fitting in the world that is created.

- There is a cuting problem where there is no clear beginning and no clear ending. It feel slike a piece of a much longer story and not geting all the background information necessary to get right into the story. Then, it finishes without a clear ending and there agin, it makes the appreciation of the story fall as there is no conclusion in the audience mind.

- Being short makes all the charcaters mentionned but not appearing worthless: the brother suffering 5000 years, my brain can't apprehend 5000 years, it too long for me to fully grasp the meaning of the information and therefore he could suffer another 5000 years that I wouldn't care, it is too abstract. Someone won't keep the promess... ok then. Who? Why? Why is it relevant and how does it influence the character and the story?

Finally, if you were actually going for comics style writing, you might want to review the world your characters live in. If it isn't clear in the first page, in a short script, it won't grasp the audience attention. Also, reduce the number of characters mentionned to make it easier, in such a short time, for the audience to get to know the ones on screen.

Keep writing!

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Aurelien81  -  January 20th, 2011, 2:06am
too quick validation
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Posted: January 20th, 2011, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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I like the way it's written, was an easy read and I breezed through it.

I did not feel much neither for Slade nor for Cain though. I did not understand which one is good and which is bad - probably more like Cain is your main hero and he's good - but still it's not very clear from the story.
I'd also would like to hear more about his promise to the Black Suit. You opened on Slade - I think you better start with Cain if he's your main character.
The dagger at the end - it's probably an important bit, but I did not understand what it was leading up to and thus the ending was quite sudden for me - you left me wanting more.
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Posted: January 26th, 2011, 6:28pm Report to Moderator

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Thanks for the feedback. To tell you the truth, I wasn't going for a fully completed beginning/middle/end thing. This is very much a small piece of a much larger work, so Aurelien81, I can understand all the questions. Don't wanna go too deep into it now because I am going to expand it, but just thought I'd throw it out there anyway, as is. It's basically an idea in script format. I expect character names/settings to change as it expands. And yeah, I was going for a comic book kinda vibe, in fact I may rewrite/expand it as a comic book script (weird that there aren't any on this site, since we find plenty of radio scripts, anime, plays, musicals, etc). Ah well, maybe I'll be the first. Then again, I may continue in regular screenplay format, we'll see how it feels.
Great site.

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Posted: January 27th, 2011, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Hey Mario, welcome aboard.  I think I remember you from the last OWC.

Your script is OK, but nothing remotely new, and filled with various issues.  BUT, for some reason, I did find it engaging and had no problem reading until the end.

I've read and seen this concept hundreds of times.  The names, faces, and settings are always different, but it's the exact same thing when it comes down to it.  This reminded me an awful lot of Legion for some reason.

As for your writing, it's not bad overall, but there are some definite issues to look into.

For starters, there's no "FADE IN:". Your opening line talks about a character walking into frame, which isn't a very powerful opening.  Your Slug of "WASTELAND" really isn't accurate everywhere it's being used.  This tavern is most likely in some kind of town, with the wasteland surrounding it.  You 2nd passage has Slade right outside the tavern door, about to open it, yet we're still in the wasteland.  Yet, on page 2, when Slade leaves the tavern, your Slug is "EXT. TAVERN".

Most of your writing borders on novelistic, and passes the line frequently.  Your writing is also very passive, filled with "ing" verbs. There are several instances where you've got your verb tenses wrong (a few on page 3).

Not sure exactly how to describe this, but IMO, much of your writing doesn't "feel" like script writing.  Hard to pinpoint it, cause technically, it's mostly OK.  Maybe someone else will chime in.

So, all in all, it's a mixed bag for me.  It's run of the mill in terms of story, yet I found it engaging for some reason.  There are definite writing issues which can easily be cleaned up.  I'd bet you probably come from a more novelistic writing background, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.  Just keep reading and writing scripts and you'll get it down.

Hope this helps.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: January 28th, 2011, 12:16am Report to Moderator

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Hey Dreamscale,

First of all, the caption under your photo cracked me up.

Secondly, you're bang on, I come from the world of prose writing (you could probably also tell from my OWC entry). In fact, I was debating writing this idea out in either prose or graphic novel format, but opted with screenplay, since it's more "quick and dirty". I just basically wanted to get my idea down before I forgot it... and decided to post it up here for some reason. As I mentioned before, it's more of an excerpt than a finished product, and I may just return to prose format to complete it, or continue to flesh it out in script form. In any case, your points are valid. A prose writer (and comic book writer for that matter) have no use for slug lines and I usually throw them into my scripts as an afterthought. Something to work on I guess.

I realize as far as excerpts go, it doesn't offer anything new story-wise, and I wasn't really going for originality or something groundbreaking, I was just fleshing out an idea. Hopefully as I keep expanding on it something intriguing will come out of it. The idea started with two names: Cain and Abel, set in the future. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for your time.

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