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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  The Rage
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Don
Posted: December 14th, 2019, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Rage by William David Glenn IV - Short, Action, Adventure, Drama - A vengeful man attacks his sister's pimp, propelling their lives into pain and misery. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Kirsten
Posted: December 16th, 2019, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi William,

My amateur opinion... take it lightly

It was easy to read and flowed nicely. The action was full on through out so it wasn't a boring read for me.  I liked the opening scene, lots of action and it made you wonder what was going on...

but for me the ending didn't pay off, there wasn't enough story, it fell flat. This is what I got... a brother constantly gets his arse kicked by a pimps henchmen, (but fights back and kicks some arse too) as he tries to defend his prostitute sister. But it doesn't work, she still gets beaten and he ends up in prison about to get his arse kicked by thugs for maybe the final time?

You need to give the characters an age.

All up, it's written well but it needs more story.

Cheers k


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Dan_P
Posted: December 22nd, 2019, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Hello William,
I agree with the last comment - more story and some variety might be good here; it felt a bit one-sided with fight scene after fight scene, since there ultimately wasn't much progress or pay-off in the end. The logline actually implies that there would be more progress: It didn't feel like THEIR lives propelled into pain and misery. Ben ends up in prison, but his sister's life just stays the same and she doesn't suffer any worse than before.

I could very well picture this as an intense short, though. I think the action is clear, well-written and effective and I can imagine things like the opening and the quickflashes to be quite atmospheric.
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Marcela
Posted: December 25th, 2019, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi William,
regarding your log line - 'A vengeful man attacks his sister's pimp...' - I don't think he's vengeful. Any good brother would fight his sister's pimp, right? I personally would delete 'vengeful'. Or he can be 'brave', 'determined', 'pushed to the edge'...


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