The Rage by William David Glenn IV - Short, Action, Adventure, Drama - A vengeful man attacks his sister's pimp, propelling their lives into pain and misery. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi William,

My amateur opinion... take it lightly

It was easy to read and flowed nicely. The action was full on through out so it wasn't a boring read for me.  I liked the opening scene, lots of action and it made you wonder what was going on...

but for me the ending didn't pay off, there wasn't enough story, it fell flat. This is what I got... a brother constantly gets his arse kicked by a pimps henchmen, (but fights back and kicks some arse too) as he tries to defend his prostitute sister. But it doesn't work, she still gets beaten and he ends up in prison about to get his arse kicked by thugs for maybe the final time?

You need to give the characters an age.

All up, it's written well but it needs more story.

Cheers k

Hello William,
I agree with the last comment - more story and some variety might be good here; it felt a bit one-sided with fight scene after fight scene, since there ultimately wasn't much progress or pay-off in the end. The logline actually implies that there would be more progress: It didn't feel like THEIR lives propelled into pain and misery. Ben ends up in prison, but his sister's life just stays the same and she doesn't suffer any worse than before.

I could very well picture this as an intense short, though. I think the action is clear, well-written and effective and I can imagine things like the opening and the quickflashes to be quite atmospheric.

Hi William,
regarding your log line - 'A vengeful man attacks his sister's pimp...' - I don't think he's vengeful. Any good brother would fight his sister's pimp, right? I personally would delete 'vengeful'. Or he can be 'brave', 'determined', 'pushed to the edge'...

Hey,

Just got done reading. It was good for what it was. I did find myself pushing through the action scenes, though. I think the action reads fine, but having every movement written kind of slowed things down for me. Every detail would be fine for the final fight, but every fight, had me pushing through.

Would like to see it get made, though.

Keep it up.

Hi William

I second Kirsten's comments. But for, for me it did not read well and or flow well. In that, you through me around to much jumping between locations.    

INT. BEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK  
  (A scene heading must end with a TIME. DAY, NIGHT, DAWN...)
  (FLASHBACK Must be a Sub-header)

INT. BEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

FLASHBACK

Ben snat......

After this FLASHBACK scene, you jumped straight into a new scene. Leaving me to think I was in a new scene OF THE SAME FLASHBACK. Should have gone with...

END OF FLASHBACK

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Ben gle.....

Further down in your script you started using
QUICKFLASH ~ This was correct, as it told me just what it was, a quickflash. Thus, no need for label / tell me FLASHBACK and END OF FLASHBACK.

Well done in the use of MATCH CUT TO: To show Ben's fist form at the end of a scene to the fist punch continue in the next scene.    

Your opening was wrong.
                          THUG #1 (V.O)    Should be (O.S) As we hearing him and not seeing him.
                       (over black)          PARENTHETICAL Is used to express a characters emotion.  
      Come on mo.....

Go with.

OVER BLACK

                           THUG #1 (O.S)
                   No need for a Parenthetical as we can hear he is angry in his dialog.
       Come on mo.....

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT    

As for the story ~
It was a fighting scene with no real story that we have not seen some or other time in our life. Through all the fighting and beating Ben endured... He could have at least come out victories' in some or other way.

All the best.  

Hi, Glenn,

This one sure feels like an incomplete story. Not in an emotional way but in an overall structural manner. It just abruptly ends. But still, it is nice to read. Action-packed.

Somethings that I noticed:

You need to have a character description. At the very least an age range for your cast.

Quoted Text about the make the biggest mistake of his life. His hand forms a fist.

It has to be TO not THE.

Overall a nice read.

Good luck.