Search the Darkness by Simon Parker - Short, Action, Adventure - Saving a beautiful protester from being killed, Curtis thinks he's found love, but has second thoughts about her when she staples his lips shut and straps enough explosives to him to bring down a building. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Simon,

I gave this a read.   My opinion, I would start the story at the gas station.   Just introduce Curtis there.  I don't think using 1/2 of the first page to show how big of a lazy slob Curtis is necessary since he takes Mary to his house.  We could learn with Mary how big of a slob he is.   I took that as the reason why she picked him to sacrifice.  To give him a purpose in her twisted mind.  

Quoted Text Page 2. Suddenly a group of MEN, armed with sticks, brooms and brushes exit out of the gas station, attacking the protesters. Beating them, slamming their weapons over their heads. Demanding that they leave. Not even Mary is safe, getting hit on the top of her head, she collapses to the floor, dropping the megaphone. All hell breaks loose. The protesters and the gas station workers fighting each other.

You don't need the last action line.  The fight already started.

Quoted Text                   MARY      You want to see my hideout? He laughs.                CURTIS       I hope that’s some kind of sex pun.

Wouldn't that be an innuendo more than a pun?

It could be me, but I don't see a correlation between the title and the story.

I think you're giving too much away in your logline.  Something like,
"After saving a woman protester, an affable pot smoker gets in over his head when he decides to help with her next protest."
                         or
"When an affable pot smoker becomes smitten with a woman protestor he saves at an event, things quickly turn sinister after agreeing to help with her next protest."

I'm just gonna ramble off some ideas that hit my mind.

Did you ever consider telling this story nonlinear?  If you ever plan on a rewrite, see what you think about having the opening scene with him in the wheelchair in the hotel lobby.  His lips stapled shut. Tears rolling down his cheeks.  A peek under the blanket to see the ropes and explosives.  Mary struts away looking like a million dollars with the detonator in her hand.   Then we read how he ended up there.  Just a thought.  I think that would be a gripping visual to pique interest.

What if Mary saves him?  He wakes up at her warehouse.  He finds out she trains suicide bombers.

I hope I said something that helps.   Have a great New Year!

All the best,
Kevin L.

Who knows if it will help, Kevin...

You've left some good feedback, but in my recent memory Simon hasn't responded once. He gets a lot of comments but doesn't interact. He also has a RomCom on Netflix.

Beats me why he even asks for feedback; probably just leaves it at the default.

Thanks for the heads up, Libby.  I think, I will start doing what you do. Ask if they're around before jumping in.   I looked him up.  He's got quite a few credits under his belt.   That's pretty darn impressive to have a something on Netflix.