Sick Day by William David Glenn IV - Short, Comedy - A deathly ill employee must make it through his hellish work day as his zombie-like symptoms continue to worsen. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice job, David.  Well written.

I didn't care for this line:

Quoted Text Drew crawls out. He’s falling apart. Pieces of rotting skin dangle from his face and arms. The Boss reacts, disturbed.

Went from sick day to zombie day.

Would have liked the boss to get some comeuppance - like what Drew had was highly contagious and he - by forcing Drew in - gets it.

Hey,

I think the execution is very good, balanced, tidy, the pages fly by, and it's actually funny in parts. Then I think you would need a very good actor for the sneezing and coughing guy's leading role - I think that's not easy to translate to screen. However, not your job.

Nevertheless, I'm not so satisfied with the outcome of the story. I mean you imo so successfully overdraw the role of the employee doing everything to keep his job as well as the role of the boss who tries to press every bit of life of his staff in the name of 'economics'.

So, you're in the field of socio-politics, right?

Then why not run the message to the end – possibly with some satiric final elements.

So, here's my alternate ending ;-) Sick boy morphs on the ground of the parking lot into Zombie boy. Of course he now goes back to the store to vomit some ugly Zombie shit into boss's face. Nerdy-worker hears something happening in the store but just sees the back of the head of Zombie boy leaving the shop: "Hey where are you going"?

Zombie boy: "I quit". OR "I got a job interview"    

In other words, your story isn't a closed circle yet.

My example just shows there could be a potential target audience. I mean all the Amazon boys who sleep in their cars to make their quota would probably enjoy seeing boss getting a dose of Zombie vomit in his face for his behavior…

What do you think? It could be a whole different angle of course (ignore my example, it's just an example ;-) ). You just somehow need to make a point imo. Do you have some ideas? What do you really want to say?

Keep at it. You're on the right track.

Best of luck
Alex

Hi. This reads like a nice beginning to a story. I would like to see some resolution to the story.  Definitely could be more imo.

zzzzzzzzzz.  I'm just messin' wit'cha.

Glenn, your writing is very eye-friendly, so major props.

It's good to write something a leetle beet crazy now and again, it unblocks clogged mental pipes, warms up your writing muscles.  

It's certainly a comedy.  I didn't split my sides or bust a gut, but I had a good laugh reading it. Nice twist on the zombie angle.  I won't reiterate what others have said but the ending came as a mixed bag.  In the grand scheme of things - it works, but...  My spidey sense tells me .... hmmm... it feels incomplete. Sadly, I can't pinpoint it.

In any case, good luck whatever direction you decide to take it in. -A

I liked the idea of this, it just feels rushed. The transition from normal cold to zombie is sudden and no-one reacts realistically, plus there is no conclusion. I think this could be a great symbolic story of how work turns us all into zombies so keep at it.

LOL, this script is fun. Very well written, nice tight action sentences. It nicely demonstrates what 'employment' does to people. I guess a make-up artist would be needed to get this filmed (pieces of skin falling off). Keep up good work, Marcela

I agree with most of what is being said here.  It kept my interest.  The ending would have been much better if Drew passed on his "Zombie Cold" to his Boss.  The ending could be something like this:

Through out the day, the BOSS begins to feel different, symptoms of a possible cold are beginning to show on the BOSS.  Trying to hide his symptoms, the BOSS enters into the Breakroom later in the afternoon.  TOBY is sitting at a table eating his dinner.  The BOSS comes in and immediately his appearance is showing signs of illness.

TOBY:  What's with you?  

BOSS:  What do you mean?

TOBY stares at his BOSS.

TOBY:  You don't look right.  Are you feeling ok, Boss?

BOSS let's out a large sneeze and begins to cough repeatedly.
TOBY is covered in mucus and saliva from his boss's sneeze.

TOBY:  Seriously?  What the hell!

BOSS:  Sorry.  Something isn't right.  Suddenly I am not feeling so well.

TOBY:  Just like Drew earlier.  He even told you he wasn't feeling well and you insisted on him working.
           Now look at you.  You are starting to look how Drew did before you let him go home.

BOSS stands up against the wall holding his head as he continues to cough and choke.  
The BOSS removes his hand from his head and a piece of his skin from his forehead is held in his hand.  Blood begins to rush down the Boss's face.

The BOSS stands in shock looking at the piece of skin in his hands.

BOSS:  What the hell is going on?

TOBY:  Boss?  You've caught something from Drew!!

The BOSS begins to vomit on the floor and his skin begins to slowly peel away and fall to the floor.  

Without warning, the room is in complete darkness.  No sound, no visibility within the room.  

TOBY is breathing heavy and is panicking.

TOBY:  Boss?  Are you still in here?

Nothing.  The entire store is in complete darkness and silence.
TOBY is trying to look through the darkness, but is unable to see anything.

TOBY:  Boss?  Can you hear me?  (Irritated.)  What the hell is going on?  Answer me!!

There is a sound within the breakroom.  
The sound of dripping water hitting the hard floor.  
"PLOP" "PLOP".

TOBY:  This is some freaky shit going on here!  BOSS!  Can you hear or see me?

Still, no response.
The constant "PLOP" "PLOP" can be heard.
There is a loud "WHIRRING" sound and the current kicks back on.

TOBY looks around the room and there is nothing.  The BOSS has disappeared.  
TOBY looks to the floor and sees skin, massive puddle of blood, and what looks to be someone's insides.
TOBY quickly turns his head and vomits on the floor.

TOBY:  Fuck!  Man...I need to get out of here.

TOBY grabs his dinner bag and coat and heads for the door.
TOBY opens the door and there is his BOSS standing in the doorway chewing on what appears to be a human leg.  (Drew's leg.)
TOBY stands in the doorway staring at his BOSS enjoying his meal.
Before vomiting again on the floor, TOBY gets past his BOSS and is heading for the front door of the store.

Before TOBY walks out the front door, he hears his BOSS behind him.
The BOSS is speaking normal as though his spirit has returned to his body, but his appearance still looks like a dead carcass standing.

TOBY:  Boss?  You say something?

BOSS:  I...I think...I may have...caught something.

BOSS coughs.  Blood and bile runs out of his mouth.

TOBY stands and feels his stomach turning again.

TOBY:  You need to go and take care of whatever is going on with you.

The BOSS stares at TOBY.

BOSS:  I think I'll...I'll call in sick tomorrow.  

END