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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Mate-ing
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  Author    Mate-ing  (currently 139 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2021, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mate-ing by Robert Spence - Short, Comedy - Two twenty something friends, Mark and Nat, maneuver their way through the contemporary dating scene with disastrous results. 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AlexanderLR
Posted: February 14th, 2021, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah this one made me chuckle. Nice and easy to visualise, has something of an 80's comedy vibe to it. I would say though to include flashback where he's talking about what happened next with Becky just so it's really clear...

           INT.  BEDROOM.  DAY.  FLASHBACK

           INT.  HOTEL RECEPTION.  DAY.  FLASHBACK CONTINUED.

           INT.  CAFE.  DAY.  BACK TO PRESENT

But yeah, good slice of real life here.
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RobertSpence
Posted: February 15th, 2021, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, will look into this for the rewrite.

Robert


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Scripts

Mate-ing

Short Comedy 11 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheBreak-UpChroniclesbyRobertSpence.pdf
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AlexanderLR
Posted: February 15th, 2021, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Yeah no problem. I have just started with SimplyScripts and posted my first screenplay recently, it's called Fur and no Whiskers and it's a comedy/drama, feel free to check it out if you'd like.
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Max Ruddock
Posted: February 19th, 2021, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Robert,

Itís a nice little short you have here. Refreshing in its simplicity, not trying too hard or coming across pretentious at all which I like. And some nice little details like the Aldi bag haha. Good stuff.

Feedback wise Iíd echo what Alexander said, plus Iíd suggest having a possible touch up on the scene where Nat is reading from the phone just to help with clarity, as that part I had to read twice just to make sure I understood. Itís no biggy though to be fair.

Cheers
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