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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Love Is On the (Phone) Line
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  Author    Love Is On the (Phone) Line  (currently 93 views)
Don
Posted: September 15th, 2021, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Love Is On The (Phone) Line by Bryce Smink - Short, Comedy - A secret phone call between two forbidden lovers. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  September 15th, 2021, 4:17pm
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SteveClark
Posted: September 17th, 2021, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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I got a rock.

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You around, Bryce? Iíll give you a little feedback if you like?


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 19th, 2021, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Bryce, gave this a read.

Since this was a comedy, I guessed(don't know how or why, just a wild guess) that Kari might be filming or something. The story had a unique concept to it but frankly, I did not find it funny to say so. I know comedy is subjective - so someone else might get a laugh out of this.

The writing had no issues and it was easy to read and finish. But, I'll do say that the 'final reveal' portion of the story does needs some work to pull it off effectively. It lacked a punch, imo. Maybe, I already guessed correctly. Idk.

This is just my opinion. Not denigrating your work by any means.  

Good luck.  


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