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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Surprise!
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Don
Posted: July 17th, 2022, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Surprise! by Christopher Stewart - Short, Comedy - A gender reveal party takes a very unexpected turn. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Ani
Posted: July 31st, 2022, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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I think you could do more show then tell.For example describe her doing the emotion instead of telling she looks-like.
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LC
Posted: July 31st, 2022, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Christopher, this was very amusing.
The set up is terrific.

Visually I think the main thing I'd add is Lori being much closer to term e.g., ready to pop.
I think they'd wait longer than three months in to have this gender reveal party.

And, a little bit more in the lead up to the reveal, definitely wouldn't go astray.  A bit of squabbling when the envelope is produced after it's opened - Adam shocked and then obviously reluctant to read it out, perhaps Lori (or even a drunken Beth) snatching it out of Adam's hand.

P.S. Without  further  adieu! (that's French for Goodbye)
Should be 'further ado'.

Anyway, nice one!
Hope you join the discussion board.


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Nomad
Posted: August 3rd, 2022, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Well written, well paced, proper format... but something is missing for me:

SPOILERS

The overly drunk sister is cliché. She doesn't need to be that drunk. Maybe she doesn't need to be drunk at all.
She could just be ditzy...
Instead of drunkenly proclaiming "Best reveal ever!", she simply doesn't understand the gravity of the situation and shoots off a party popper.
As the confetti rains down she shouts "Congratulations!"

I'd like more from the couple to show that they're infatuated with each other so when you reveal he's sterile it hits harder:

Him kissing her belly.
Them looking into each other's eyes with nauseating love.
Him being overly attentive to her.


See if you could work it in that the timeline doesn't pan out for her to be 3 months pregnant and him to be the father.

"How was your trip to Nepal?"
"6 months overseas studying Marie of Romania sounds like a hoot."
"Looks like being deployed didn't stop you from storming the beach."

These are rough, but you get the idea.

Thanks for the read. It's nice to read a short script that's easy on the eyes and makes me chuckle.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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