Hairy Moments by John Stone - Short, Comedy - Chuck Spunt comes face to face with his fears when he visits the zoo. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear John,
this is exactly the sort of thing that happens if you eat cheese before bedtime. Or maybe dreams are just making sense of (altered) reality. Maybe Chuck has a special insight - be on "the spectrum" - be the kid that Elon returned to sender . . . .You've certainly made him your very own.
Eeyethaankyoouu  !! Best _

John. Shorts, for all a three page, need to be tight... quick to reveal the premise and insightment. Not necessarily have a plot, but have a good a satisfactory ending. Your story lacks this. It offers nothing. I'll give you this much: You have a strong conceptual story mind. Work it! All the best.    

Quoted from JtF Dear John, this is exactly the sort of thing that happens if you eat cheese before bedtime. Or maybe dreams are just making sense of (altered) reality. Maybe Chuck has a special insight - be on "the spectrum" - be the kid that Elon returned to sender . . . .You've certainly made him your very own. Eeyethaankyoouu  !! Best _

Hey JtF

Chuck's going veggie- bamboo shoots without cheese. I'm still trying to make sense of this guy. That burger bar experience really affected him. Ha!

Quoted from BarryJohn John. Shorts, for all a three page, need to be tight... quick to reveal the premise and insightment. Not necessarily have a plot, but have a good a satisfactory ending. Your story lacks this. It offers nothing. I'll give you this much: You have a strong conceptual story mind. Work it! All the best.

Barryjohn

Hi there!

To fully understand the Chuck Spunt experience you need to read more of Chucks Spunt's skits, then come back at me.  It really all started way back when... Oh, you get my gist, right?

So I'm really interested in your feedback since Chuck has been around a bit. Cheers and thanks for your comments though. Have fun.

Quoted Text Chuck Spunt stands outside a Gorilla's habitat with a puzzled gaze at GARY the Gorilla who rolls his eyes back at him.

This could use some work. Does the habitat wear a puzzled gaze?

Quoted Text CHUCK SPUNT - (in wonder)

What's with the "-"?
Also line reading wrylies.

Quoted Text GARY Alright?

All right? It's not character error the way "aight" is, and "Alright" and "All right" have essentially the same pronunciation and meaning, but only one spelling is correct.

Quoted Text CHUCK SPUNT Who taught you that? GARY Dad. CHUCK SPUNT Daddy?

An errant blank line. Another pass would have caught it.
Also, I'm a little puzzled about the "Dad"/"Daddy?" exchange.

Quoted Text GARY Mmmmmm, Ummmmm. (waves arms) Dad! DADDY GORILLA taps him on the shoulder. He turns around.

Daddy Gorilla taps Gary on the shoulder? Gary was the last to speak. This should have read:

Quoted Text DADDY GORILLA taps Chuck on the shoulder.

Quoted Text DADDY GORILLA Alright? He looks up and collapses at the sight of Daddy Gorilla...

Who is he? It's Chuck, of course. Thus:

Quoted Text Chuck looks up and collapses...

You capitalize "cheeseburgers" and "banana milkshakes". Not sure why as neither appears to be an important element.

After Chuck passes out a zookeeper appears and attempts to revive him. This feels out of place and redundant. From a film/editing logic perspective the scene would cut to black when Chuck passes out and then immediately transition to the bedroom scene.

This is absurdist humor, something I'm pretty fond of, but I just couldn't get into it with this script, John.

Mmmmm, ummmmm.

Quoted from Shakespeare on Toast Mmmmm, ummmmm.

You're welcome.

Quoted from Drongo Bum You're welcome.

Hahahahaaa....

Quoted from Shakespeare on Toast Hahahahaaa....

I hope my feedback proved useful.

Quoted from Drongo Bum I hope my feedback proved useful.

I don't rewrite skits/sketches etc...

Like J E Lawrence once said: Quote "It is what it is." Unquote.

Quoted from Shakespeare on Toast I don't rewrite skits/sketches etc... Like J E Lawrence once said: Quote "It is what it is." Unquote.

Yet you waste our time asking for feedback you refuse to accept as valid, and rarely or never incorporate that feedback into your subsequent scripts.

It all seems a little pointless.

Quoted from Drongo Bum Yet you waste our time asking for feedback you refuse to accept as valid, and rarely or never incorporate that feedback into your subsequent scripts. It all seems a little pointless.

Drongo, we all know here that you love to chat bollocks. It is only a sketch, yet you find fault with everything.  Open your mind and see the bigger picture as if you were watching your TV screen. Just because it doesn't fit with your ideas, does not mean it is wrong. If you want to laugh, then laugh. If you want to cry, then cry. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

I personally do not give a flying paper plane what you think because i have given listeniing to your pathetic criticisms. Your generalisations regarding other members here is also wrong.

I want my scripts to be read and enjoyed by all who take their time  to read and comment. I also listen to advice, yours too, sometimes when I know it is justified, but simple nitpicking is for children and spoilers.

I don't want my scripts pooh poohed by you, because you are a wind-up who will never cease to annoy and antagonise other members. It doesn't wash with my projects. If they are rubbish, so be it. One thing I do know, is that if I like it, somebody else will.

It is your choice whether you want to read my work, or not. You are not being charged.

Quoted from Shakespeare on Toast Drongo, we all know here that you love to chat bollocks. It is only a sketch, yet you find fault with everything.  Open your mind and see the bigger picture as if you were watching your TV screen. Just because it doesn't fit with your ideas, does not mean it is wrong. If you want to laugh, then laugh. If you want to cry, then cry. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I personally do not give a flying paper plane what you think because i have given listeniing to your pathetic criticisms. Your generalisations regarding other members here is also wrong. I want my scripts to be read and enjoyed by all who take their time  to read and comment. I also listen to advice, yours too, sometimes when I know it is justified, but simple nitpicking is for children and spoilers. I don't want my scripts pooh poohed by you, because you are a wind-up who will never cease to annoy and antagonise other members. It doesn't wash with my projects. If they are rubbish, so be it. One thing I do know, is that if I like it, somebody else will. It is your choice whether you want to read my work, or not. You are not being charged.

In other words, you don't want feedback unless it's praise.

Got it.

Quoted from Drongo Bum In other words, you don't want feedback unless it's praise. Got it.

If you believe that Drongo, fine. I’m only the writer, what do I know?