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Here are some thoughts I had while reading your script:
Too on point with the time shown on the watch.
Too staccato with the descriptions: "Eyes focus ahead, drives." "She manages...falls two feet." "Dawn's eyes focus. Vincent's hat in front of her. Almonds all around. Small drops of blood. Hers."
"Ahead of time" sounds strange to me, a Californian. "Ahead of schedule" sounds better. I realize that not everyone speaks the same, so if this is how people say it in your corner of the world, then I thank you for enlightening me.
Vincent uses "The Merlin" as his call sign but Topside refers to him as "Vincent". Topside should call him Merlin.
"A few physical limits aside". "Limits" should be limitations.
"mini sub lights cast light over the ocean surface". A couple things here: 1) This doesn't read smoothly. 2) The ocean surface is where ships float. The "seabed" or "sea floor" is where I think the sub is. 3) If the sub's lights are casting light, why can't they see what's pulling them forward? Are they not looking forward?
"...illuminates faces of three dreamers" Why are they dreamers? Are they unconscious?
"Vincent's fluorescent watch and a small hole opening on the main window the only available light." Too much description and it doesn't read well at all.
Why is "Rows of tentacle suckers." in italics?
It seemed like the sub was level and under its own power but then it crashes down a rugged slope. What is a one twenty angle? Do you mean a 120ï¿½ angle? If so what does that have to do with the sub crashing?
This doesn't have an ending. You just fade out when Barry's eyes open. Why? I feel cheated when scripts end like this.
I would have liked to know more about the ship they were investigating.
I saw this one over at Talentville. I see this is a new draft. So, I'll take a peek at it...
P. 1 I don't know what a FLorida tourist shirt is. A t-shirt or a Panama Jack/ Cuban dress shirt?
P. 2 This kind of phrasing really sticks out with your writing style... The mini sub lights cast light over the ocean surface... Word repetition is even more sore thumby for me in a staccato script.
Finished. I didn't get much from the pages. Felt more like a scene lifted from a feature fragment. I didn't get much characterization either, not even personality traits... Which is why this felt like part of something else. Might work well as part of an underwater "contained" thriller feature.
Hope this helps.
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This was good, some very vivid and interesting writing going on here. Not all of it to my personal liking but it worked well here and I had no problems with the read.
This felt more like a snippet from a feature than a standalone short. I never learned anything about the characters or the monster that was attacking the sub, I don’t even know anything about the vessel they were looking at. I feel like I’ve come in late and left early on this one and for that reason it’s difficult to make an overall judgement here.
A lot of potential and an intriguing premise to develop further but as a standalone short, thought it was lacking something.