SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 29th, 2024, 7:45am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Scripts of the One Week Challenge.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration-->

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Red Devil, Blue Sea
Users Browsing Forum
Lgould and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Red Devil, Blue Sea  (currently 3668 views)
Nomad
Posted: March 27th, 2012, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
720
Posts Per Day
0.15
Here are some thoughts I had while reading your script:

Too on point with the time shown on the watch.  

Too staccato with the descriptions:
"Eyes focus ahead, drives."
"She manages...falls two feet."
"Dawn's eyes focus. Vincent's hat in front of her.  Almonds all around.  Small drops of blood.  Hers."

"Ahead of time" sounds strange to me, a Californian.  "Ahead of schedule" sounds better.  I realize that not everyone speaks the same, so if this is how people say it in your corner of the world, then I thank you for enlightening me.

Vincent uses "The Merlin" as his call sign but Topside refers to him as "Vincent".  Topside should call him Merlin.

"A few physical limits aside".  "Limits" should be limitations.

"mini sub lights cast light over the ocean surface".  A couple things here:
1) This doesn't read smoothly.
2) The ocean surface is where ships float.  The "seabed" or "sea floor" is where I think the sub is.
3) If the sub's lights are casting light, why can't they see what's pulling them forward?  Are they not looking forward?

"...illuminates faces of three dreamers" Why are they dreamers?  Are they unconscious?

"Vincent's fluorescent watch and a small hole opening on the main window the only available light." Too much description and it doesn't read well at all.

Why is "Rows of tentacle suckers." in italics?

It seemed like the sub was level and under its own power but then it crashes down a rugged slope.  What is a one twenty angle?  Do you mean a 120� angle?  If so what does that have to do with the sub crashing?

This doesn't have an ending.  You just fade out when Barry's eyes open.  Why?
I feel cheated when scripts end like this.

I would have liked to know more about the ship they were investigating.


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 17
Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 2nd, 2012, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.56
Hey Darren,

I saw this one over at Talentville.
I see this is a new draft.
So, I'll take a peek at it...

P. 1
I don't know what a FLorida tourist shirt is.
A t-shirt or a Panama Jack/ Cuban dress shirt?

P. 2
This kind of phrasing really sticks out with your writing style...
The mini sub lights cast light over the ocean surface...
Word repetition is even more sore thumby for me in a staccato script.

Finished. I didn't get much from the pages.
Felt more like a scene lifted from a feature fragment.
I didn't get much characterization either, not even personality traits...
Which is why this felt like part of something else.
Might work well as part of an underwater "contained" thriller feature.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 17
CoopBazinga
Posted: April 3rd, 2012, 11:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1175
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hey Darren,

This was good, some very vivid and interesting writing going on here. Not all of it to my personal liking but it worked well here and I had no problems with the read.

This felt more like a snippet from a feature than a standalone short. I never learned anything about the characters or the monster that was attacking the sub, I don’t even know anything about the vessel they were looking at. I feel like I’ve come in late and left early on this one and for that reason it’s difficult to make an overall judgement here.

A lot of potential and an intriguing premise to develop further but as a standalone short, thought it was lacking something.

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 17
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006