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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Important Man and I
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  Author    The Important Man and I  (currently 1104 views)
Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2017, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Important Man and I by Kirby Gamel - Short, Drama - A young man goes to seek out a mentor. Things goes south not long before the young man gets what he wants through an unconventional turn of events. 9 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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eldave1
Posted: January 3rd, 2017, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Kirby - took a gander.

The Title page is different than the title.


Quoted Text
CARDIN (17) steps through a curtain into a small private


I think some physical description of Cardin would be helpful.


Quoted Text
He retracts and sets down his coffee, shakes his hand
properly and sits down.


Since John is also involved - I think it reads better as "shakes hands" properly.


Quoted Text
CARDIN
Great to get to meet you Sir.


Need a comma after "you"


Quoted Text
CARDIN
Great to get to meet you Sir.
JOHN
Great to meet you. You know, it's
great to see someone so young like
you already taking initiative.


Three "greats" in two sets of dialogue - shake it up - use another term. Maybe - it's nice to meet...


Quoted Text
WE PAN TO A CU of Cardin.
TITLE:
the Important Man and i
PRIVATE ROOM
We see a blank green wall.
We PAN back towards John.


I would lose the camera directions and the we sees. Also don't think you need to put in your title here - does nothing for the story - it actually disrupts the flow.


Quoted Text
CARDIN finds the words he is going to use.


No CAPS on CARDIN - you already intro'd him. Also - we know he finds the words because he says them right after this. Maybe something like Cardin pauses.


Quoted Text
WE SWITCH SIDES. Cardin is now looking left.


Not needed - again - kind of ruins the flow.


Quoted Text
CARDIN
Well wait up, what did I say wrong.


Missing ?


Quoted Text
Heads to the door then pauses. Turns around to call 911.


Not a great action sentence. How does he do it? i.e., pulls out his phone and presses 9-1-1.

There is a lot to like here. I'm not sure about the ending. I think a line linking it back to ruthlessness would help. Also not sure why he would call 9-1-1. He's stealing his stuff.

Nice to see a new one on the boards - hope these help - best of luck.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fausto
Posted: January 10th, 2017, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirby,
I like the story...confrontational and quick but. as written, it needs some revisions. Too many repetitions (great). Also, I would make the ending more dramatic with action words. A more elaborated description of John's  death. Review the script and make it more concise.
Overall, a good writing effort.
All my best,
Fausto
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RichardR
Posted: January 12th, 2017, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

Others have noted the errors and problems with the writing.  I'll comment on the story.

Generally, you would be better off putting these two in the room and across the table in the middle of the conversation.  All the stuff prior to take can be inferred or referenced in the conversation.  The real point of this isn't the introductions, it's the chat about becoming ruthless.  Now, for me, there are some issues with a 17-yr-old architect.  I believe there is a lot to learn in the discipline, and teenagers don't get there often.  If you want us to believe that  he has the bona fides, you should give him some architect jargon--load bearing walls or beams, maximum sunlight, solar radiance, space usage, plumbing details, etc.  Without that, it's just a kid with some drawings.  And of course, he has to convince John too.  So, John has to quiz the kid about such items and problems.  'If you want to build 100 story building, how deep do you bury the foundations?'  After all, John has only the kid's say-so for the drawings.  Give us the lingo that will make us believe in this story.

I'm a bit confused by the ending, and that's probably a good thing.  The kid swipes the plans but goes back to get help for John.  Second thoughts.  

Best
Richard
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