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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Stink Of It All
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  Author    The Stink Of It All  (currently 566 views)
Don
Posted: January 25th, 2018, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Stink Of It All by Roberto Negron - Short, Drama - A boy living in the housing projects feels that he's too big for bars on his windows, so he decides to take them down and quickly discovers that a small child falling to his or her death is not the only reason to keep the bars in place. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: January 25th, 2018, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Couple of quick notes:


Quoted Text
STREET KID #1
Am I supposed to be scared of you
because youíre black or something?!
You donít scare me, motherfucker!
Letís go.


Was the other guy white? You may want to intro their ethnicity when you first intro the characters.


Quoted Text
ROBERTO
Stupid things! What are these
window guards still doing here
anyway? Iím not a damn baby
anymore. Itís not like Iím gonna
be falling to my death.
Roberto shakes the window guard.
ROBERTO (CONTíD)
You know what?! The hell with
this! These window guards are
coming down. This is ridiculous.


Had a problem with the above dialogue. Thought it was way to on the nose and didn't sound at all like a nine year old.

As I read on - none of the dialogue for Roberto sounds natural to me. He talks like a man.

Not sure what the street fight had to do with anything.

Sorry - didn't care for this one. Might just be me. Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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