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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sign Here
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Don
Posted: November 1st, 2018, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sign Here by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - The president of the united states must act to stop a scandal before it ruins his second term in office. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Matt
Posted: November 2nd, 2018, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon

Well done, I like this - Concise, easy to read and follow. I enjoyed the story also.

I only have a couple of small bits to mention:

Your log line, kinda ruined the story for me - I know viewers, if produced, wouldn't read a log line - but as a reader, the moment he comes in and says "Mr president" It should be an "Oooo" moment, but I already read it in the log line.

He mentions that this is the second time he has presented a document, this time for more money, but she is still surprised that he want's to buy her silence - wouldn't that have come up the first time?

The ending - I am not saying change it, it's your story - but sometimes what we don't see is more powerful - Him walking away (remorseful/not remorseful) and hearing a gun shot, is another way to go

Oh and I also like that you chose the nursery as the location for the ending - well done

All the best

Matt


My works currently on SS

Erotomania - Comedy Short - 21 Pages
Untitled Sci Fi TV Series Prelude Shorts - 6 shorts, 2 pages each
Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages
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MatthewLincoln
Posted: November 9th, 2018, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Simon,

Just read your script. Great job. It's very well written, and the dialogue is well written. I agree with the other commenter about the reveal that Michael was the president, but it was still a great read. I hope this gets produced.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. I'm looking for some feedback on my script. It's in the sci-fi short section. It's called inescapable. Care to give it a read?
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DanielW
Posted: Yesterday, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Simon,

I like what you come up with, and this is no different.

A 30 year old President? Really?

I agree with Matt regarding the ending. Black screen it, with a gunshot.

Nice work.

Daniel
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