Wait Until Midnight by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A young teenage boy in a car with two of his friends plans to rob his ex-girlfriend who he spent a lot of money on. But when he pulls out a knife one of his friends has second thoughts. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Simon.

Hope the following nit-picking helps. I'm no pro- But, just on the basics..

- Your title has no relevance to the story.

- You have no story here - no plot ending. From start to end I read 3 guys in a car.

- Avoid over kill / description. You last page, at the end reads..

QUOTE:
Andrew snaps. He stab's the knife into Ryan's chest. Ryan flops backwards, blood staining his t-shirt. The knife stuck in his chest, killing him instantly.

Andrew stares at what he's done, dumfounded. Jack makes a run for it. Andrew then follows him. Both running away as fast as they can.

Ryan's phone, still in his hand, still ringing.

- - - - - - - -
The point you want to make is = Andrew kills Ryan.
So, no need for the dramatics:

* Ryan flops backward. (He's sitting in a car seat, and as been stabbed in the chest, his back would be forced against the seat. Thus, he cant flop backwards)

* Blood stained T-shirt. (Would be if stabbed in the chest)

* Knife stuck in his chest. (Where he was stabbed)

* Killing him instantly. (No need for this. You also wrote that he; flops backwards)

* Jack makes a run for it. Andrew then follows him. (You then say; BOTH running away)

* ..running as fast as they (They would run fast to escape) ~ Running is always seen as FAST. We'd never write a person running slowly.      

* Ryan dials 999 (I may be wrong as I'm a South African. But, 999 is a police radio code for "officer down" - Did you mean 911) I don't see the relevance to the phone still ringing.

I'D WRITE IT AS:
Andrew snaps as he stab's Ryan in the chest. He gives a stare of disbelief before joining Jack on the run.

FADE TO BLACK

                                                        (O.S)
                                        911 - What's your emergence.

CUT TO BLACK

END



  

Hey BarryJohn,

You shouldn't bother reviewing since Simon never replies.

Hi Yuvraj

Re- your post above. I surfed his name in SS to find he has written and posted 80 scripts and HAS NOT REPLIED TO ONE!

Wonder why? --Guess he'll never reply.

Quoted from BarryJohn Hi Yuvraj Re- your post above. I surfed his name in SS to find he has written and posted 80 scripts and HAS NOT REPLIED TO ONE! Wonder why? --Guess he'll never reply.

Maybe your guess is right.