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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Friends in the Swamp
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Don
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Friends in the Swamp by James Austin McCormick - Short, Drama - An old man, close to death, says farewell to his grand-daughter. It’s just the two of them out there in the swamp, but they’re not alone. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi James.

A nice story - reads smooth. I enjoyed the repetitive of the ending.. How you wrote Suzy to been the old woman with out telling us in so many words. Suzy having never forgotten the "tale" her Grandpa had told her.. she follow suit.

NICE.
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BarryJohn
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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..Sorry I forgot to mention.

QUOTE:
EXT. EVENING - CABIN

Write location first, then time period.
EXT. CABIN - EVENING
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi, James,

Some things I noticed:

1) Your sluglines are messed up. Except for one.

It is properly written like: INT/EXT. LOCATION - TIME. So, you should write like, EXT. CABIN - SWAMP - EVENING.

As to writing EVENING, it should serve some serious purpose to the story so as to go specific with the timings.

2) Dialogs are decent to some extend.

3) Why BOY 1 and BOY 2? You can give them proper names.

4) I didn't understood the concept of the story. It's unresolved. I get it that it meant to represent the cycle of life and what happens when you die. Spooks take you. But why?

You added exposition to explain about the Swamp and the Spooks but I found it uneffective. At the end you mentioned about the OLD LADY which I suppose is SUZY and thereby indicating the recurring pattern of life in the Swamp. But I don't clearly get the backstory of the Swamp and didn't cared much about the characters.

You need a very strong outline and purpose for the story. The story sounds too undercooked at the moment.

Good Luck.  



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Yuvraj  -  May 23rd, 2020, 9:31am
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