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Nice western. The story is easy to follow and understand. It's well written and all. the tea pot and the fact she's a masseuse didn't play a big part in my opinion but that's ok, Im not taking out points for that. The story is a bit simple, but like I said easy to follow. And it's very well written which makes for a nice read. Good job.
This is the second one (in a row) I've read now where a family member kills a family member. Blood is thicker than water is a proverb for family relationships and loyalties are the strongest and most important ones.
He had a loyalty to the masseur that is evident and if he'd gone up against a normal Sherrif to defend her that would have certainly worked for me but the killing of actual blood kin is the opposite of the proverb.
It was well written, easy to follow and I like how you left it open at the end, we have no idea who was coming up the stairs.
True, the masseuse was thrown in, so much so he had to say it out loud as it wasn't obvious, but I won't deduct points for that.
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The killing of actual blood kin is the opposite of the proverb.
Not to call you out, as this has been mentioned by others, but I feel it's worth reiterating: the theme can either be agreed with or disagreed with (in this case, disagreed with) and still be within the parameters.
I'll note this in the main thread, as well. Just want to make sure that this idea is clear.
Yeah another Western and itís not bad. All the Westerns have been good in the challenge.
Another guy named Blake lol! Popular name to use. The variables were a tad shoehorned but it had that Westerny feel. The theme was strong using brothers in conflict. And a nice little mysterious ending. Top job!
Oh almost forgot - you need a SUPER after the first action lines to show us when and where this is.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Not sure Western was the best genre for the chosen elements. It feels like the elements were shoehorned into a space they didnít fit. The theme had barely any relevance to the story. What would have made it relevant is if Kim had shot the Sheriff from the 2nd floor window. From this window she can see Sam and the Sheriff below, so why was their dialogue tagged (O.S.)?
Bill's going a bit bonkers judging by his feedback. ... Right, nice job, Sam. Elements a little by the by at times, and theme covered. What do you do with a tea-pot for goodness sake, and it had to be a specific type. Boy oh boy.
I like the Westerns so far... Most writers are getting the vibe and atmosphere nicely. I suppose I wanted a little more and it would be nice to see a female lead. Just saying...
Good work though, and good choice not giving us a pat ending.
So the elements are here. I mean technically Kim IS a masseuse, because that how she bills herself, in her business.
Early on it seemed to me that Kim was speaking in broken English and then not so much later on.
I'm not sure what is the "happening" here. I get that they are brothers. But I don't get why Sam is so nostalgic and wistful in his conversation with Kim. I guess his brother is a corrupt Sheriff? It's not clear.
Also, very light on theme. I know Blondie has warned us that we can go against type or even be indifferent to it, but anyone who shows the slightest bit of loyalty, or doesn't show the slightest bit of loyalty, is to me not being for or against blood is thicker than water. There has to be some connective tissue there besides the fact that there are brothers on the opposite side of the law.
Very nicely written, I just would have preferred more back story so I understood the stakes a bit more. I didn't have a rooting interest here.