SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 28th, 2023, 8:44pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Forsaken - WT2
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Forsaken - WT2  (currently 1275 views)
Don
Posted: July 12th, 2020, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15870
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Forsaken by John Staats (JEStaats) writing as Sam I. Am - Short, Drama, Western - Only one thing stands in his way and he just called him out. 6 pages

prompt Western: Chinese Tea Pot, Massage Therapist (Masseuse), Studio Apartment - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 5th, 2021, 11:03am
Logged
Site Private Message
khamanna
Posted: July 12th, 2020, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4158
Posts Per Day
0.83
Oh ok.

I guess the Sheriff got the bullet.

Nice western. The story is easy to follow and understand.
It's well written and all.
the tea pot and the fact she's a masseuse didn't play a big part in my opinion but that's ok, Im not taking out points for that.
The story is a bit simple, but like I said easy to follow. And it's very well written which makes for a nice read.
Good job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 15
MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 5:43am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2331
Posts Per Day
0.63
This is the second one (in a row) I've read now where a family member kills a family member. Blood is thicker than water is a proverb for family relationships and loyalties are the strongest and most important ones.

He had a loyalty to the masseur that is evident and if he'd gone up against a normal Sherrif to defend her that would have certainly worked for me but the killing of actual blood kin is the opposite of the proverb.

It was well written, easy to follow and I like how you left it open at the end, we have no idea who was coming up the stairs.

True, the masseuse was thrown in, so much so he had to say it out loud as it wasn't obvious, but I won't deduct points for that.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 15
Mr. Blonde
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 8:39am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.60

Quoted from MarkRenshaw
The killing of actual blood kin is the opposite of the proverb.


Mark,

Not to call you out, as this has been mentioned by others, but I feel it's worth reiterating: the theme can either be agreed with or disagreed with (in this case, disagreed with) and still be within the parameters.

I'll note this in the main thread, as well. Just want to make sure that this idea is clear.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 15
MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 9:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2331
Posts Per Day
0.63
Roger, Roger - got it! Thanks for clarifying.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 15
AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4140
Posts Per Day
1.19
This is well written and well paced with a nicely vague finish that can be read either way.

As others noted a couple of the criteria are more passing references than central but hey, it's hard in 72 hours!

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 15
Geezis
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hi,

Neat, concise, well written and ending on a cliffhanger.
I enjoyed this very much, no complaints.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 15
JEStaats
Posted: July 13th, 2020, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1724
Posts Per Day
0.69
Ah, another western! I liked this a lot. A complete little west/rom (is that a genre?) with a cliffhanger. Nice character building here. Really got to know Sam and Kim in a short couple pages.

Requisites met, although the massage therapist was kind of rubbed in your face (fantasy?). It seems Sam's attempt to thicken the blood fell on his brother's deaf ears.

Good work, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 15
stevie
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 1:46am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3440
Posts Per Day
0.65
Yeah another Western and itís not bad. All the Westerns have been good in the challenge.

Another guy named Blake lol! Popular name to use.  The variables were a tad shoehorned but it had that Westerny feel. The theme was strong using brothers in conflict. And a nice little mysterious ending.  Top job!

Oh almost forgot - you need a SUPER after the first action lines to show us when and where this is.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 15
Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2020, 8:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.61
A true western - a show down with the sheriff after a visit upstairs.

I wondered at one stage whether was he going to take a,leak in the tea pot and set the spiritís against him...but thatís my dark mind.

So the guy was a theif, and his brother a sherif. Two sides. Whoís gonna win.

Actually we donít know...

Not sure why the brother wanted to hurt the girl, maybe more pages would help that.

Well done


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 15
Spqr
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 9:43am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Not sure Western was the best genre for the chosen elements. It feels like the elements were shoehorned into a space they didnít fit. The theme had barely any relevance to the story. What would have made it relevant is if Kim had shot the Sheriff from the 2nd floor window. From this window she can see Sam and the Sheriff below, so why was their dialogue tagged (O.S.)?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 15
mmmarnie
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1070
Posts Per Day
0.23
We don't know what Sam did and we don't need to...but why did Blake want to kill Kim?

Nice atmosphere you set up and I like the open ending. It was an easy, clean read. Good job, writer.


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 15
Warren
Posted: July 15th, 2020, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3812
Posts Per Day
1.49
The writing is pretty good with some style choices I'm not a fan off.

The story was okay, didn't feel like anything that broke new ground. The massage therapist really could have been anything and had no real bearing on the story.

I've said it before, but I'm not your audience.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 15
LC
Posted: July 16th, 2020, 3:52am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6941
Posts Per Day
1.30
Bill's going a bit bonkers judging by his feedback.  
...
Right, nice job, Sam. Elements a little by the by at times, and theme covered. What do you do with a tea-pot for goodness sake, and it had to be a specific type. Boy oh boy.

I like the Westerns so far... Most writers are getting the vibe and atmosphere nicely. I suppose I wanted a little more and it would be nice to see a female lead. Just saying...

Good work though, and good choice not giving us a pat ending.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 15
ajr
Posted: July 16th, 2020, 6:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1475
Posts Per Day
0.30
So the elements are here. I mean technically Kim IS a masseuse, because that how she bills herself, in her business.

Early on it seemed to me that Kim was speaking in broken English and then not so much later on.

I'm not sure what is the "happening" here. I get that they are brothers. But I don't get why Sam is so nostalgic and wistful in his conversation with Kim. I guess his brother is a corrupt Sheriff? It's not clear.

Also, very light on theme. I know Blondie has warned us that we can go against type or even be indifferent to it, but anyone who shows the slightest bit of loyalty, or doesn't show the slightest bit of loyalty, is to me not being for or against blood is thicker than water. There has to be some connective tissue there besides the fact that there are brothers on the opposite side of the law.

Very nicely written, I just would have preferred more back story so I understood the stakes a bit more. I didn't have a rooting interest here.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 15
JEStaats
Posted: July 19th, 2020, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1724
Posts Per Day
0.69
I'm bummed that this didn't do a little better in the voting but it was up against some very creative storytelling.

This might be the first time I've ever written anything remotely romantic. Might be my last!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 15
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006