The Forsaken by John Staats (JEStaats) writing as Sam I. Am - Short, Drama, Western - Only one thing stands in his way and he just called him out. 6 pages

prompt Western: Chinese Tea Pot, Massage Therapist (Masseuse), Studio Apartment - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oh ok.

I guess the Sheriff got the bullet.

Nice western. The story is easy to follow and understand.
It's well written and all.
the tea pot and the fact she's a masseuse didn't play a big part in my opinion but that's ok, Im not taking out points for that.
The story is a bit simple, but like I said easy to follow. And it's very well written which makes for a nice read.
Good job.

This is the second one (in a row) I've read now where a family member kills a family member. Blood is thicker than water is a proverb for family relationships and loyalties are the strongest and most important ones.

He had a loyalty to the masseur that is evident and if he'd gone up against a normal Sherrif to defend her that would have certainly worked for me but the killing of actual blood kin is the opposite of the proverb.

It was well written, easy to follow and I like how you left it open at the end, we have no idea who was coming up the stairs.

True, the masseuse was thrown in, so much so he had to say it out loud as it wasn't obvious, but I won't deduct points for that.

-Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw The killing of actual blood kin is the opposite of the proverb.

Mark,

Not to call you out, as this has been mentioned by others, but I feel it's worth reiterating: the theme can either be agreed with or disagreed with (in this case, disagreed with) and still be within the parameters.

I'll note this in the main thread, as well. Just want to make sure that this idea is clear.

Roger, Roger - got it! Thanks for clarifying.

This is well written and well paced with a nicely vague finish that can be read either way.

As others noted a couple of the criteria are more passing references than central but hey, it's hard in 72 hours!

Good job.

Hi,

Neat, concise, well written and ending on a cliffhanger.
I enjoyed this very much, no complaints.

Well done.

Ah, another western! I liked this a lot. A complete little west/rom (is that a genre?) with a cliffhanger. Nice character building here. Really got to know Sam and Kim in a short couple pages.

Requisites met, although the massage therapist was kind of rubbed in your face (fantasy?). It seems Sam's attempt to thicken the blood fell on his brother's deaf ears.

Good work, writer.

Yeah another Western and it’s not bad. All the Westerns have been good in the challenge.

Another guy named Blake lol! Popular name to use.  The variables were a tad shoehorned but it had that Westerny feel. The theme was strong using brothers in conflict. And a nice little mysterious ending.  Top job!

Oh almost forgot - you need a SUPER after the first action lines to show us when and where this is.

A true western - a show down with the sheriff after a visit upstairs.

I wondered at one stage whether was he going to take a,leak in the tea pot and set the spirit’s against him...but that’s my dark mind.

So the guy was a theif, and his brother a sherif. Two sides. Who’s gonna win.

Actually we don’t know...

Not sure why the brother wanted to hurt the girl, maybe more pages would help that.

Well done

Not sure Western was the best genre for the chosen elements. It feels like the elements were shoehorned into a space they didn’t fit. The theme had barely any relevance to the story. What would have made it relevant is if Kim had shot the Sheriff from the 2nd floor window. From this window she can see Sam and the Sheriff below, so why was their dialogue tagged (O.S.)?

We don't know what Sam did and we don't need to...but why did Blake want to kill Kim?

Nice atmosphere you set up and I like the open ending. It was an easy, clean read. Good job, writer.

The writing is pretty good with some style choices I'm not a fan off.

The story was okay, didn't feel like anything that broke new ground. The massage therapist really could have been anything and had no real bearing on the story.

I've said it before, but I'm not your audience.

Bill's going a bit bonkers judging by his feedback.  
...
Right, nice job, Sam. Elements a little by the by at times, and theme covered. What do you do with a tea-pot for goodness sake, and it had to be a specific type. Boy oh boy.

I like the Westerns so far... Most writers are getting the vibe and atmosphere nicely. I suppose I wanted a little more and it would be nice to see a female lead. Just saying...

Good work though, and good choice not giving us a pat ending.

So the elements are here. I mean technically Kim IS a masseuse, because that how she bills herself, in her business.

Early on it seemed to me that Kim was speaking in broken English and then not so much later on.

I'm not sure what is the "happening" here. I get that they are brothers. But I don't get why Sam is so nostalgic and wistful in his conversation with Kim. I guess his brother is a corrupt Sheriff? It's not clear.

Also, very light on theme. I know Blondie has warned us that we can go against type or even be indifferent to it, but anyone who shows the slightest bit of loyalty, or doesn't show the slightest bit of loyalty, is to me not being for or against blood is thicker than water. There has to be some connective tissue there besides the fact that there are brothers on the opposite side of the law.

Very nicely written, I just would have preferred more back story so I understood the stakes a bit more. I didn't have a rooting interest here.

AJR

I'm bummed that this didn't do a little better in the voting but it was up against some very creative storytelling.

This might be the first time I've ever written anything remotely romantic. Might be my last!