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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Ludovico's Negro Y Blanco
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  Author    Ludovico's Negro Y Blanco  (currently 268 views)
Don
Posted: January 16th, 2021, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ludovico's Negro Y Blanco by Austin Ludovico - Short, Drama, Western - A black and white man team up to take on a racist gang. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AlsoBen
Posted: January 22nd, 2021, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Are you on the boards Austin? If so, I will take a look in more depth.

My minimal Spanish has translated your title into something like “your name Black isin black an white". Did I get it?  

Your first logline is an interior, which is hard to grass because it is described as a desert road. As a general rule, I try to avoid using The same word or title that is present in the slug line to describe the scene. The information is already in slug - eg you describe your “desert road” in words as a “desert road” which is redundant.

Do you have spelt disheveled wrong which is hard because thats a speaking character's name and it comes up a lot. You’ve also not introduced any of those speaking characters appropriately. E.g. characters are introduced in full caps.

As I said, if you’re active on the board and can respond I will keep reading and give you some more thoughts on the actual story but at the moment your first page is not close enough to industry standard and would turn a lot of people off. I’m not necessarily a quote “Format “Nazi but a quick run through with this story on a screen writing software, some of which is free (writerDuet, Caltx - not the in-bowser version, the software version which can you ca still get) would make this more readable.

Thank you for sharing. There is a lot of things that you have done right (dialogue on first two pages is clean) and getting fundamentals of format down is probably the easiest hurdle to cross.

Ben


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