Last Good Deed by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Drama - One night, a waitress experiences a true sense of helplessness. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don for posting.

It been a long time since I have posted a script. Hope you guys like it.

Hi Yuvrag.

I'm inexperienced and don't know much about many things at all, so take anything I have to offer with a pinch of salt.

I like a good redemption story.

I thought you opened well with setting the scene, and it was a pretty straight forward read for me and reasonably enjoyable.

"A huddle of the WAITRESSES swarms the place, serving" suggested to me there was a group of waitresses in a close group walking around together which is something I've not seen before. I'm used to waitresses working as individuals in a bar. Huddle kind of means shoulder to shoulder, or very close.

   DREW
You know why I'm here.

Maya sighs.

    MAYA
Yeah. For the money.

In the above dialogue, and other dialogue you've used, I'd prefer not being hit over the head with what's going on, although sometimes it has to be that way.. Inferring there's money owed is more fun for the reader ( I think), and a vehicle in which to show personality or aspects of character or your cast.

I think you have a natural ability to succinctly describe a scene which is a very powerful strength to me. I guess I'd just be a little more coy or shifty with the story.

As I said, I'm a newbie and my opinions may be way off target. I'm sure some of the experienced crew will be able to offer you stronger suggestions or advice.

Good to see you posting scripts, Yuvraj. keep them coming.

Cheers
Wayne

Thank you, Wayne, for reading and commenting. Yeah, dialogs are my weak spot. I'm working on them.

There are other scripts of mine on this site. Two of them are already linked below. Would love to hear your opinion on them.

Thanks, once again.

Hey Yuvraj,

You've got some great action, nice sense of flow here.

One thing that tripped me up was the line: "She recognizes him, not in a good way though."
I thought he was an ex-boyfriend at first, and thought I missed something. I'd be more clear about the emotion on her face in that moment.
Also, when Terry shows up, I got a little confused by Drew's lines.

Your dialogue repeats too many times, try to make your dialogue more direct.

Like I said, great action. Action lines are definitely your strong-suit, play to your strengths! Cute story, nice work.

Hi Yuvraj,

Storywise, this didn’t work for me.  There’s not enough context to get a sense of relationships between characters and the ending raises more questions than answers.

Maya owes money to Drew.  He turns up at her workplace and threatens her. He also needs the money to pay off his debt further up the chain.  That could work as a set-up: Maya has a problem she needs to solve and as a reader I’m curious as to how she might go about solving it.

However, in the next scene, Drew turns up at Maya’s house to give her money before being snatched by a couple of thugs for reasons that are not revealed. Maya gets the money. Drew is no longer a problem.  End of story.

Presumably, the thugs are the people Drew owes money to?  But if the story is built around Drew needing money from Maya to pay these people then why not give them the money?  Maybe it’s not enough?  But then we don’t know how much is owed or a sense of why.  Maybe they want him for other reasons, but then we don’t know what those reasons are, or why Drew would have a sudden change of heart and give Maya the money.  

It’s as if you’re wanting the reader to feel sympathy for Drew at the end, but as we’ve only seen him threaten Maya over the debt it's a hard sell.  I don’t know enough about your characters or their relationship to one another.  Whose story is this?  Is this about Drew's sacrifice/redemption?  If so, what made him change his mind?

It’s two scenes.  One sets up Maya’s money problem and the other immediately solves it without her having to do anything to earn it.  As written, it’s a bit too short to really make the premise work or deliver any emotional connection to the characters or their plight.

Sorry to sound downbeat, but to me this feels incomplete - the bare bones of an idea that needs more work to deliver a satisfying setup/payoff or leave the reader with a deeper sense of what you’re trying to say.

Good luck with the writing.  Hope this helps.

Steve

Thanks, Claudio and Steve, for reading and commenting. All points noted.