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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Life Cycle
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Don
Posted: October 2nd, 2022, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Life Cycle by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A shy kid must learn what is it to be brave in order to get his beloved bike back. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Stoneyscript
Posted: October 5th, 2022, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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All that for his bike? A little infantile script that struggles to hold.

You need  to highlight all characters and objects that are paramount to the story and plot.

Just imagine you're watching this on screen and see how it should read.

Some of the dialogue is unrealistic and over emphasized.

All said, thanks for sharing.
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AlexanderLR
Posted: October 9th, 2022, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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My advice to you is to shorten your descriptions. Take out words. Less is more. It will flow better for the reader and there's not as much detail they have to remember.

So instead of...

'RICHIE, 17, overweight, with bad facial hair and a dirty face comes into the kitchen. He opens the fridge, takes out a can of soda then once Jake's finished making his sandwich he reaches over and steals it from him'.

You could say...

         'RICHIE, obese and unkept, waddles in, whips a soda from the fridge and snatches Jake's sandwich'.

Notice how the words 'waddles' 'whips' and 'snatches' stand out. You can picture these actions clearly. You can picture the urgency in Richie.

Also, you don't need to say that Richie comes into the kitchen. Just simply say 'comes in' as the word 'Kitchen' is in the scene heading.

'CHASE, 29, tall, skinny, shaved head and several truly terrible tattoos running down his arms' - This is better. You could even say 'thin as a rake'.

I wouldn't bother with listing the objects each maid has or the fact that they're in their uniform.

But yeah, overall, good effort. Hope this advice helps.

  
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eslin_bridge
Posted: October 9th, 2022, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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To spice it up a little. Channel Stephen King. Have the kid summon a Demon. Task the Demon with getting the bike back. Only the Demon tells the kid, I need something in return. I don’t work for free.

Final shot could be the kid riding his bike home. The camera slowly pans down to reveal one of his hands with a bloody, missing finger.
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