Hi Bernard, Wow, brutal ending! This reads not so much as a screenplay and more like a soliloquy. There's a lot of heartfelt dialogue in this but I'd like to encourage you to actually tell Josh's story with the 'unnamed woman' as narrative - scene by scene with the love of his life as a character too. Chart the evolution of the relationship and it's sad demise and perhaps give it an upbeat message at the end - or at least a 'lesson learned', without resorting to the ending you chose. I was a bit knocked sideways too as this changes tack midway from Josh as victim to perpetrator. It was actually quite nice to read Josh's character in the beginning as more victim of spurned love - seeking out not just sex but a meaningful relationship and in this way I liked that the stereotypical gender roles were reversed. But then it switched to him being violent and the cause of everything disintegrating. You have a good voice and great observation skills re the human condition. You clearly have a lot to say about relationships. I'd like to see you tell us the story in conventional screenplay narrative. Read some of these screenplays: When Harry met Sally Annie Hall Marriage Story Before Sunrise These are dialogue driven screenplays which have a lot to say about how men and women interact, for better or worse. P.S. If you're going to choose a quote over black to start with, I suggest you quote one of the great philosophers or poets. P.P.S. Here's a link for how to correctly capitalise titles. I find it very handy.  The Love We Had Stays on My Mind https://capitalizemytitle.com/ |
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The love we had stays on my mind
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