SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2020, 5:16pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

blah, blah, blah challenge scripts are posted.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Viral
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Viral  (currently 660 views)
Don
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14131
Posts Per Day
1.97
Viral by Josh Park - Short, Dramedy - A student's obsession with going viral on the web threatens his relationship with his best friend.  6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
AustinT
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey, Josh

Interesting premise, certainly topical. I myself am working on a feature that touches on the implications of social media fame has on personal lives so I was interested in seeing where this one went.

I think you have a nice idea but the execution of it is clunky.

Namely, a few things.

One, give your characters names. I would have felt a little more connected and therefore a little more interested in the character's journey through the story if they had names. Maybe you weren't trying to draw any sort of empathy for these guys but the ending, I just didn't care. I think you need to do a little more to define who these characters are. Start off by giving them names. It's simple but can be extremely effective.

Second, there were some sections I read where I was taken out of the story because of the odd formatting.

The most notable was on PG. 2

Bro raises the taser up to Video Boy's skin, until it
Touches
His stomach and
Video Boy
SCREAMS

Is there a specific reason it's formatted like this? If there is, I didn't understand what.

Third, some of the action blocks, again, took me out of the story because they made me ask questions that I'm sure you weren't trying to raise.


On PG. 4

"The grass is green as hell."

If this was a line of dialogue, I would chalk it up to the idea that this is a saying that people use. I use it. But because it's in the action block, something that is supposed to give us a visual representation of what we're going to see on screen, this action block is incredibly contradictory and confusing.

I started asking myself, "Is the location supposed to be run down and dry, like I perceive the red fiery pits of hell to be?" But it can't be because right before , you mention how beautiful the trees are. So this action block doesn't even work as irony to set the scene, it's just confused.

Also, the descriptions of the STREAM area are unnecessary to your overall story. I always give the benefit of the doubt to the writer that when they become hyper detailed in their action blocks it's done with a purpose. Here, none of what you described mattered.

It seemed as though you're trying to prove how much imagination you have, not a bad thing, it's just that it takes away precious white space on the page that could be use more effectively to give us more interesting character moments or to further the plot. Right now, it's just descriptions for descriptions sake.


I say all this, not to be mean, but to be honest on how easy your script was to read. Again, it has a nice little premise to work with and one that I think could be expanded.

This is a solid first draft. Hope to see a second one.

Until then,

Happy Writing!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Dramedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006