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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Smoking Can Kill
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  Author    Smoking Can Kill  (currently 758 views)
Don
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from Gerlinde
May I ask why Bobby P. was not also named as an author? He had a big part in the making of the script. And I think he deserves to be named as co-author.


Gerlinde,

The posted information is based on what you submit in the submissions form.

Don


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eldave1
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Gerlinde - I liked the story. I'm a smoker so maybe it's more relatable to me.

I'd have the dude spending a little more time - in a panic - searching the house trying to find that one stray cigarette.

It's not a good idea to repeat your location. It is a waste of words and slows down the read. i.e, take Dustin's advice here. I can find typos in pro scripts - doesn't mean I'd put them in mine

Look for more vibrant - more efficient - words. It'll make your work pop more.

Let's look at the opening as an example.


Quoted Text
INT. BENíS LIVING ROOM - EVENING 1

A dirty living room that has not been cleaned for a long
time.


Could simply be:

Filthy.


Quoted Text
Empty beer and liquor bottles are lying on the
floor, the table, and the broken sofa.


lying - meh. How about "scattered"  

Or something like that - point being when you go through your second draft look at the words you use to see if there isn't something more descriptive/active that could replace it - especially when it comes to verbs.


Quoted Text

This is the space of someone who has given up on life.


I liked that line - kind of sums it all up.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gerlinde
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 12:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1

It's not a good idea to repeat your location. It is a waste of words and slows down the read. i.e, take Dustin's advice here. I can find typos in pro scripts - doesn't mean I'd put them in mine.  


Why should not I do something that professional screenwriters do? Because I write for pleasure?
That does not mean that I do not want to try to write according to professional standards!
I try to do my best.
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eldave1
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 1:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
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Quoted from Gerlinde


Why should not I do something that professional screenwriters do? Because I write for pleasure?
That does not mean that I do not want to try to write according to professional standards!
I try to do my best.


Take my advice or ignore it. Up to you.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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