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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Expensive Gifts
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Don
Posted: March 8th, 2020, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Expensive Gifts by Simon Parker - Short, Dramedy - After a bank job, a granddad turns up at his daughters house with some very expensive gifts. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dan_P
Posted: May 12th, 2020, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Simon!

for the most part, the writing is sparse and gets the info across, but there are some bits that you could shorten or clear up, I think:

PAGE 4:

"She wraps her arms around him. And they hug."
- The first line is sufficient, unless you want to indicate that it takes a moment for Oliver to return the hug.

"They all look at him with either love, suspicion or surprise."
- I'd clear up who looks at him in what way right there. You kind of do it afterwards with the kids' dialogue and more specifically with Frank, but still.

PAGE 5:
"These items are clearly worth a hell of a lot more than he says they are. They shine and sparkle. They're the real things."
- This can also be trimmed down a lot.

"Everyone is blown away. Impressed. PutS them on. Except for Frank. Who can't shake the feeling of suspicion?"
- Since Frank mentions his suspicion right after that, that last line isn't necessary.

Frank and Elle stand in the open doorway. Wearing their gifts.

- I'm a little surprsied that Frank now wears the gift, while still clearly disliking Oliver.

PAGE 6:

"Oliver sits at the table. The two police officers stand over him. Their hands on their batons. Their handcuffs. Ready to take him down. At any moment."
- Big Fan of splitting information into a number of sentences for dramatic effect, but I feel like this is overdoing it a little  

I hope all of the above doesn't come across like I mean to slam the script. I like the general idea: Oliver doesn't care about his family, and Frank of all people is the one able to (somewhat) change that - that's cool. It's just that the conflict and its solution didn't fully work for me. I don't think Frank's lines would be enough to change Oliver's mind and Oliver's plan doesn't seem as smart as he thinks it is.

There is, however, enough potential here to make something more out of this idea, though, I'm sure!  
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