Baby Blue by Paul Knauer (pkcardinal) writing as Dominique Razon - Short, Family Comedy - A young boy plots to retrieve his stolen bike. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very fun. Excellent, and it didn't go the way I was at least half expecting it to. That is not a criticism, because your ending is great.

Minor technicalities:

Quoted Text A ten-speed bike screams past, skinny legs pedaling hard.

A bike with any size legs is one for the books!

Quoted Text INT. DOUGLAS’ HOUSE - DAY

"INT. DOUGLAS'S HOUSE - DAY"

Quoted Text ...but he’s out...

Contraction in an action line. Fail! (Shut up, LC.)

These things aside, I always wanted to know what happened next. Good work.

Ahoy Dominique Razon -- Haha! This was great. The escalation to an almost ludicrous story worked great methinks, making for some pretty good humor.   I honestly didn't have any quibbles with this one. Luv it. Best of Irish luck! -A

This is like Home Alone Ep 2 The Bike. The choreography of it all was terrific.

I loved it except two things bothered me - the ending - I must be thick and have no clue what happened after he got the bike back. Was it a dream?

And two:

This just didn't ring true:

BULLY
Take the bike, please. I’m so
sorry.

I know he gave him the wedgie of all wedgies but he's a bully, and not just an ordinary bully, he's a movie bully to boot.

P.S. Ignore DB about contractions in action lines. He's fixated on them. 🤣

A boys own adventure to rescue his bike, except  it doesn’t work out that way

Good basis for a young protagonist

Someone had their bike stolen in their youth iguess.

I’m assuming the main scene was a fantasy and that the reality was the simple act of walking in and getting it

For simple readers like me it may have been worth giving the main rescue scene a clearer sense of dream/fantasy so that it didn’t take away from the end - almost give him a superhero outfit  etc

Nice work

Dear Dominique,
A crime, a trauma, a No Ninja required resolve, which was easier than expected. The Bully realised he had to change man - maybe his boyz hadn't dropped and he just felt different - if that was the case, after the wedgie of all wedgies he's now full Sumo (slings salt and scowls.)
Loved the imagination of the what-if recovery dream. Do we all make things seem so impossible. The cool clear headed reality was much more rewarding. If Fortune cookies had films in them - this would be a great one. Best --

Writer,

Cute story though I’m not sure about the ending. I thought Douglas was successful initially. Then that tag at the end kinda left me feeling confused. Either way, a story like this deserves a happy, triumphant ending. I kinda think we got one, but then again I’m not entirely sure. Either way, decent story.

Steve

Hello,

I read it and then went through the comments.

Douglas saw his bike dismantled, imagined how he will get the parts back together, manned up and went to fight for them.

Very good idea, worth the read. I enjoyed how light on dialog it is. It kind of goes together with the story. Nice job.

Really strong opening, energetic writing, strong set-up. Then it went into zany territory and I wondered if this was actually meant to be an anime or something. I clued in that it might be a dream right before it was revealed, and wondered if maybe he just dreamed the bike was even stolen, and was glad you took it in the direction you did instead. The elaborate heist setup and dreaming it's unrealistic execution made the simple, mundane ending a nice button on it.

Nicely done!

Cute. Gave me Home Alone vibes with the creative ways to get his bike back.

The end left me a bit unsatisfied, though, but it was definitely an enjoyable read. Nice work, writer.

This was well written but I didn't really find it that comedic.

And I may have missed it, but why did we have the dream bit? It worked better up to that point... imho of course.

Decent effort

Very entertaining. The story could have just ended with the zany bike rescue but you went with 'it was all a dream' instead. What a boy will do with his first true love.

Nice work, writer.

Cute. Lacks a romance angle, unless we're leaning into the love of a boy and his bike. Was a little lost the first pass, but it's very well written, and was worth looking back over for me. Really enjoy your writing style. Nice work!

Cute story about a boy with big "dreams" of being a super hero.  Loved the set up for getting his bike back both the "dream" and the reality.  Nice job writer - this one hits all the marks for the challenge!

Thought we were witnessing mini James Bond. Nicely done. You captured the mind of a child, who envisions a difficult task and the heroics needed to accomplish it. Then the simple reality at the end. Well, that was easy. Only thing that would've made it better was the dog coming up to him and licking his face. Enjoyed.