Very nice entertain script here. Well developed as well with a clear begin, middle and end. Nice characters names Gumball (it is a type of girl that glues on you all time!) and Daddy (I love this one. My young girl calls me like this.) and Old Man (it is what my wife calls me!).

I guess it belongs to Pia, maybe because of lot  Screeches; Whacks; Whooshes; Whoops and Poofs!

If not, I'm sorry...Ooops! Hahaha!

Yes, there was hardly a mention milk. And it didn't really feel like horror to me until the last couple of pages. But, it was pretty good. The descriptions were great. They didn't leave much to the imagination. Dialogue was spot on but, like others have said, Gumball's speech is too old for her. She needs to be at least, for me, 14 yrs old. I'd say anyways.

Story was good. Writing was good but it didn't really enthral me. A good one week script though.

Jamie

The writing here was excellent in my opinion, I really, really enjoyed that part.

I too, feel that Gumball's dialogue is way too old for a ten year old, but it was as sharply written as can be. I agree with Bert in that I don't want her to be older, just a more suitable dialogue for her.

There wasn't much horror or milk here, but in my opinion this was the sharpest written script of the bunch, even sharper than Bert's, and I really liked your choice of words.

There were two places where I felt that someone on the other side of the Atlantic might have written this one.....I'm going to guess Martin, but I could of course be wrong.

This sharp writing and twisted dialogue could only have come from a twisted criminal mind: Abe from LA is this yours?  

If this wasn’t a One Week Exercise thingy with certain rules, this would be my favorite (so far) along with Mother’s Milk.

But… there were rules… and those authors who followed them are in some kind of disadvantage in comparison to those who didn’t. I mean… C’mon... Horror and Milk? Milk isn’t scary. So this script benefits from avoiding to deal with such an “uninspiring” theme, considering the genre.

But I liked this one, it had some great moments. Extremely good dialogue between father and daughter, although, as other readers have mentioned, Gumball sounds more like in her mid teens.

The scare factor appears in P.9. For a 12 p. short which is supposed to be horror, I’d say this is a little too late. You could have made Daddy and Gumball to rob directly the “wrong store”. Assaulting a previous one isn’t necessary to show what they do for a living.

P.1 “The woman clerk compiles.”  It’s redundant, since her following actions make that clear. And you can call her “Iris” since we already know her name.

And yep, the end left me with many questions. Too much for my taste. But overall, I enjoyed this one; good job. And if you’re not Abe, take my mistake as a compliment.

Quoted from bert His choppy style is uniquely his own....

Since Z is gonna go ahead and spoil this one -- yeah, that's exactly who I was talking about in my post.

No doubt about it.

I guess it's late enough in the week to "out" this author.

Of course, I hope we're right, Z.

Quoted from Bert_the_guy_who_needs_to_write_Starbuck_Starr_Part_III Since Z is gonna go ahead and spoil this one -- yeah, that's (Abe from LA) exactly who I was talking about in my post. No doubt about it.

I’m trying not to guess the names of the authors this OWE for two reasons: 1) I’m wrong more often than right and, 2) I want to eliminate any possibility of bias. It seems to me that guessing the author defeats the purpose of author anonymity just as much as knowing. Once you assume you know the author, there is the possibility that that information can skew your review. That’s Breanne’s Rant for the week…

****SPOILERS****

I’m a little conflicted about my feelings toward this one. It certainly manages to hold interest. And the bizarre relationship between Daddy and Gumball is among the most anomalous I’ve ever read. Some aspects are reminiscent of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” In some ways, it’s almost a “what if” story of two different bizarro-families meeting. Sort of like “Frankenstein meets Dracula” for the wacko family set.

The old man’s relation to the psycho in his basement is never told. I’m inclined to believe they must know each other since the Burley Man must surely have to be seen by the store keeper at some point in order to force his victims into the basement. It might have been a nice touch if the still alive but dying old man could have called out to the burley man to get Daddy.

It was for the most part well written. There were a few things that were a bit murky. Examples are:

Gumball mentions pretending to have lighter fluid then her actions indicate that she has fluid for real. Then later, she finds it at the store and indicates that she never had any previously. You shouldn’t assume we know she’s only pretending to have it earlier, if that’s the case.

You should describe Gumball spilling the lighter fluid in the floor at the store. It was confusing when it caught fire later without the reader knowing it was there.

I thought cat had been killed. Daddy holds up a bloody knife with a collar and Gumball screams. Later, at the next store, the cat is with Gumball. What did I miss?

At times, it seemed like you decided to change the story, probably as you were still creating it and the direction you wanted to go, and you didn’t fully eradicate plot holes that were formed when you made changes.
Other minor errors:

There are a few instances where you don’t have subject-verb agreement. Examples:

P8 - Driver’s license fall out - should be either licenses or falls

P9 - Freezer door swing wide - should be swings

P9 - He lift a meat clever - should be lifts

P10 - Burley Man pants catches fire - should be Burley Man’s pants catch fire

Overall, it had a lot of good writing quality so I’m inclined to believe most errors were the result of the deadline rush. I usually forgive a lot more errors with these OWE entries for that reason. Even a producer who had a writer on a strict deadline would be inclined to forgive some errors on an early submission so I don’t make too big a deal of it. But you need to know for future reference.

Generally, I liked the script and it was pretty well told. I did feel the few confusing parts combined with the occasional grammar issue interrupted the flow significantly. But nothing a few more proofreads couldn’t hash out of it.

So overall, I’d say it’s a pretty good effort.

Brea

Quoted from Bert_the_guy_who_needs_to_write_Starbuck_Starr_Part_III_ you_better_listen_ to_Breanne_ you_hear_me? Of course, I hope we're right, Z.

I knew we were talking about the same guy. I would be very surprised if it turns to be another writer.

This had its moments. It was not that horrific through most of it, but had a shocker at the end. Daddy worked as the seedy character, and Gumball was amusing as the girl too old for her age.

But she spoke at a level way beyond her years. Kids might grow up too fast, but a lot of her lines were far beyond even a 10 year old's psychology, much less her vocabulary. Her actions toward her father were bizarre at least, especially if he never actually molested her. It also makes me wonder where she learned all of her actions from, since the mother is gone, and the father certainly would not have gone into it if she was just a blow up doll and watchman. Seemed really out of place.

Your cat dies (implied) and then reappears in a later scene at the second store. Proofing your work is important.

The guy with the safe at the end is killed too quickly. We need an explanation of what's going on there. It bangs itself out pretty quickly at the end, but we're left completely in the dark as to why it's going on. Who is this old guy? Why is he keeping those items? Who is the burly man?

The first appearance of the burly man is out of place and confusing. I flipped back and forth to see what the heck was going on. I understood it was establishing, but you switched from the middle of one tableau to the middle of another, and it didn't work at all. It would be a far better thing to set this random scene at the beginning, so we are intrigued and then go into the first robbery. That way, the first scene isn't broken by what seems irrelevant.

I think this has some potential, but it has a lot of problems too. With a few rewrites, attention to detail (not to mention "seeing" the movie in your head as you write), and a bit more exposition on the characters, it could turn out pretty decent.

George,

Thank you and others for the read.
This was a piece of work that is best described as two (of three) characters I've had in mind for a long time, that was ram-jetted into a OWC.  
I was going to pass on this exercise, but I alreay passed on the Barbecue.
Two passes for me means I'm gone from the boards.

The story started out with the cat not dying, and then I thought, c***, the dad should kill the cat so it's understandable why the kid plots to kill him at the end. I ran out of time to fix things.

I couldn't even go back for a spell check. Yikes.
Oh yeah, I forgot that I was supposed to work milk into the story.  But I did get a miniscule scene with milk early on -- ha ha.  I know, big deal.

My concept is to have three cons: a stepfather, his girlfriend and the kid.  
Jerome (daddy) and the kid rob a convenience store and Jerome's girlfriend robs the tourists at a diner next door.
Then things go really wrong, and each of the three get separated to survive on their own wits.
Jerome in the basemeant, Twilla (gumball) in the store and later up a tree, and the girlfriend inside of the diner.
What they encounter isn't human.
Of course, this was supposed to take place over 90+ pages.

I agree with all that you and others have commented on.
Honestly, I could not emotionally connect with this short.  So, I have to rethink each of the characters and how they will fit into the big picture, so to speak.

Again, thank you for the thorough critique.  I've taken notes.

Abe, I think your concept is good. What you've described didn't come across at all, really, in the short. Go ahead and rewrite, and make it as long as it needs to be to properly tell the story. If that's a feature, then write it. First drafts have no restrictions.

Thanks, George.
Yeah, I veered off-track for the Milk exercise.
I've got to regroup.  Appreciate your words of encouragement.