I'm becoming more enamoured and tolerant of fancy-font titles, but what you’ve got here is essentially a poster. It’s a great looking poster but I'd attach it to the script thread separately and that will also benefit in attracting filmmakers.
I really enjoyed your take on the Zombie genre here. Some really good funny moments, from when he touches her leg and she responds with pleasure to her delight that she’s no longer feeling the effects of migraine – made me chuckle.
Format glitches aside there are a couple of description lines and odd phrasings that could do with a tweak:
Is the 'flaming bottle’ a Molotov Cocktail?
pulls over the blanket. – perhaps: pulls the covers up/over her head /over herself
BARBARA (muted voice) - incorrect format for parenthetical. See below.
BARBARA
(muted voice)
Alt: muffled voice.
Go (away,) Max. Daddy will take you out.
A key rattles and falls down the floor.A key rattles, falls onto the floor.
Note: this is outside the apartment so I think you'd write:
EXT. APARTMENT – HALLWAY – NIGHT
Otherwise it reads as if Harry is actually inside the apartment in the internal hallway and outside the bedroom whereas he's not actually inside the apartment yet at all. Least it read that way for me.
A key is stuck in the lock.
Perhaps: A key fumbles in the lock.
Hon?! Walk with Max, please!Hon...? Take Max out for walkies, please.
Btw, reduce all the exclamation points. It’s overkill. Stick with one when you use them (not three in a row) and use them for high points of tension otherwise there’s no rise and fall in suspense but a static high level instead. Using too many actually reduces their effectiveness.
Power is cut again, it won’t be fixed
soon. Better march to bed.Suggestion:
Baby...? You still there? Power's out again. Better just come to bed.
The ball goes out. The dog growls in the end of the
hallway.Suggestion: The ball rolls out...
Great face-off between Harry and the dog btw. Funny stuff.
Gunshots on the street.Suggestion: The sound of GUNSHOTS
Ohhh... it helps…Suggestion: Ohhh... That helps...
What’s going outside? I’ve heard
screaming.Perhaps:
What’s going on outside? Is that screaming. Never mind it's probably my head/ my migraine
almost whistling.
Delete 'almost' – whistling, wheezing, perhaps?
She sits, rubs her eyes and peers.Suggestion: She sits upright/ or bolts upright, peers into the darkness
Baby?..Baby...? (correction of ellipses use)
Harry!!!Just one exclamation point.
Two shotsTwo gunshots
Format the Man's voice properly.
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
(screaming)
Fucking die already!!! Just die! Die!.. (yours)
Fucking die, already! Just die! Die...! (my suggestion)
points a flash on him.I gather you mean the light of the cell phone?
Flashes the cell-phone light on him.
I dial 911!I'll dial 911.
HARRY (hoarse voice)
HARRY
(hoarse voice)
OPERATOR’S VOICE
Due to emergency state you have to
barricade home and arm. Don’t contact
anybody. In case you are infected...Don’t contact
anybody. Did she phone 911 and this is a recorded message?
Indicate this as a V.O.
Also, this needs rephrasing. Suggestion:
... State of emergency has been declared. Remain in your homes. Barricade and arm yourselves...
presses her hand to
the mouth as it [i]downs on her that Harry dies[/i]. He dies?
Dawns, btw. Typo there.
Her hand flies to her mouth, she gasps... It dawns on her, Harry is dying.
Hmm, not sure about this wording.
He's not dead yet, right? He already died technically and turned into a Zombie.
I love her turning the note over btw. Great moment.
dog barks up
on the window.Suggestion: The dog barks, it’s snout pressed to the window./ or, up against the window
Typo: its snout, not: it's - contraction of it is.
BARBARA
Oh… Migraine vanished! Love this line.
She sniffs
noisily and doesn’t look at Harry anymore.Suggestion: Nose in the air, she sniffs noisily.
I'm on the fence about the ending. Might be nice if their interest doesn’t wane from each other but that instead they jointly look at the dog as dinner – but still as a combined force romantically.
It is after all a romance. And their love should never die.
Remember to Fade In and Fade Out, top and tail.
Great script, Oksana. Loved it.
P.S.
The dog barks.
Perhaps: The dog barks, whimpers. (or yelps)
FADE OUT.