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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Others
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  Author    The Others  (currently 92 views)
Don
Posted: March 5th, 2019, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Others Episode 1 "Alcahol" by Ravit Mishra - Short, Horror - A fear of the two men haunt them and somehow kill them.  6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 7th, 2019, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Some simple fixes to the format could go a long way from keeping readers from being confused and frustrated.

Reading “we see” over and over becomes tedious and slows down the reader.

Rather than using “WE SEE,” you could show what you want us to see in that line. Some of the best tips I have read is tothink of each section of descriptive narrative as a single shot and based on how much detail is in the narrative dictates what kind of shot is likely, wide, close, etc..


Quoted Text

We hear footsteps.
We see a man walking up the stairs. We don’t see his face.
We hear a clock ticking.
He walks up.


Can become...


Quoted Text

FOOTSTEPS

A MAN walks up the stairs.

A CLOCK TICKS somewhere in the house.



The description underneath the speaking character should just be narrative.


Quoted Text

                        LUCAS
           Taking another sip from the bottle
     Hey, and do you remember that asshole Jimmy from
         sophomore year. He was such a big dumbass.


Could be...


Quoted Text

LUCAS frowns, takes a sip of beer.

                           LUCAS
     Dude, it’s your third fucking bottle.
        C’mon, Stop drinking.



Anyway, those are my two cents. Good luck!

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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