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Some simple fixes to the format could go a long way from keeping readers from being confused and frustrated.
Reading “we see” over and over becomes tedious and slows down the reader.
Rather than using “WE SEE,” you could show what you want us to see in that line. Some of the best tips I have read is tothink of each section of descriptive narrative as a single shot and based on how much detail is in the narrative dictates what kind of shot is likely, wide, close, etc..
Quoted Text
We hear footsteps. We see a man walking up the stairs. We don’t see his face. We hear a clock ticking. He walks up.
Can become...
Quoted Text
FOOTSTEPS
A MAN walks up the stairs.
A CLOCK TICKS somewhere in the house.
The description underneath the speaking character should just be narrative.
Quoted Text
LUCAS Taking another sip from the bottle Hey, and do you remember that asshole Jimmy from sophomore year. He was such a big dumbass.
Could be...
Quoted Text
LUCAS frowns, takes a sip of beer.
LUCAS Dude, it’s your third fucking bottle. C’mon, Stop drinking.
Anyway, those are my two cents. Good luck!
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."