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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Faceless Whore
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  Author    Faceless Whore  (currently 267 views)
Don
Posted: September 11th, 2019, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Faceless Whore by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - A bratty teenage girl obsessed with becoming a famous model finds herself losing the one thing she values most, her own face. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Kevin_S
Posted: September 13th, 2019, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Simon,

I like the idea of what your script is about. Older people trying to stay young in a creepy way.     If I came up with this idea, this would be how I see it.  My version may up your page count.

I would start with the elderly lady sitting at a coffee shop with Francisco. She hands him a 6x9 pic of Sofia.  She knows Sofia from her granddaughter.  

Then show Sofia and a friend in her bedroom. Sofia gets a call from the elderly lady stating her granddaughter's photographer is available to do a test shoot for a popular magazine.

The two friends show up to the "photo shoot."  Francisco tells Sofia's friend it's a closed shoot. While waiting, go across the street and get a coffee.

Inside the warehouse, Sofia has changed clothes ready to rock and roll. Music starts. Francisco tells her to sit.  As he takes pictures, he tells her to look left. Then jabs a needle in her neck.  She stands frightened.  Francisco tells her to work the camera.  Sofia collapses.

Then the rest of it happens.  Maybe instead of being faceless. What about they swap skin? The reason I say that. What's the point of having just a pretty face if the rest of your body isn't young? That's like false advertising. Lol.   I think the idea of the procedure not lasting permanently is a good idea.   Especially if you have plans to turn it into a feature.  

If you don't do a rewrite and leave it like it is.  I would reconsider the title.  Your main character isn't a whore. She's just a conceited kid.


Quoted Text
INT. SOFIA’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Sofia quickly puts on her shoes and coat. She sneaks out the
front door.
INT. SOFIA’S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT
Greta hears the front door slamming shut. She leaps up and
hurries out of the room.


If she sneaks out the door it wouldn't be slamming shut?

I"m not saying your version is bad.  Just wanted to throw some ideas at you.

I hope I said something that helps.

All the best!

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Kevin_S  -  September 13th, 2019, 11:20pm
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LC
Posted: September 13th, 2019, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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I live in hope that one day Simon will respond to the very many critics who take the time to provide feedback on a multitude of his scripts.  Sigh.  

I'll also eat my hat if ever I see Faceless Whore as a title up on a marquee.
In this #metoo environment it's not a great choice, and like Kev said not reflective of the story at all.

Lots of missing punctuation, typos i.e.,  complement should be compliment.


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Marcela
Posted: September 18th, 2019, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing. The title definitely needs change, plus 'bratty teenager' could just be 'teenager'. The ending is somewhat hopeless, which is not ideal.
Keep up good work
Marcela


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Busy Little Bee
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Simon

Clear desire. Active character in the opening.
Sofia follows, suddenly gripped with nerves.
How do we know she’s gripped with nerves, does she say anything, does she shake her head, does she pull away?

Sofia sounds too outspoken to not say anything while walking down the hall, seeing the row of girls and having a gun put to the back of her head.

The face switch is a terrifying idea, but it doesn’t come across as terrifying maybe not enough reaction.

Because Sofia goes from an active character with a clear desire to a passive one who has nothing to say about what’s happening to her, I could make the argument the real tragedy comes at the loss of her voice than her face.

What do you think about the change in her behavior?

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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also cosign LC comments

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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eldave1
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
I live in hope that one day Simon will respond to the very many critics who take the time to provide feedback on a multitude of his scripts.  Sigh.  

I'll also eat my hat if ever I see Faceless Whore as a title up on a marquee.
In this #metoo environment it's not a great choice, and like Kev said not reflective of the story at all.

Lots of missing punctuation, typos i.e.,  complement should be compliment.


I've stopped reading his scripts for this reason. Along with the fact he never comments on others.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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