Faceless Whore by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - A bratty teenage girl obsessed with becoming a famous model finds herself losing the one thing she values most, her own face. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Simon,

I like the idea of what your script is about. Older people trying to stay young in a creepy way.     If I came up with this idea, this would be how I see it.  My version may up your page count.

I would start with the elderly lady sitting at a coffee shop with Francisco. She hands him a 6x9 pic of Sofia.  She knows Sofia from her granddaughter.  

Then show Sofia and a friend in her bedroom. Sofia gets a call from the elderly lady stating her granddaughter's photographer is available to do a test shoot for a popular magazine.

The two friends show up to the "photo shoot."  Francisco tells Sofia's friend it's a closed shoot. While waiting, go across the street and get a coffee.

Inside the warehouse, Sofia has changed clothes ready to rock and roll. Music starts. Francisco tells her to sit.  As he takes pictures, he tells her to look left. Then jabs a needle in her neck.  She stands frightened.  Francisco tells her to work the camera.  Sofia collapses.

Then the rest of it happens.  Maybe instead of being faceless. What about they swap skin? The reason I say that. What's the point of having just a pretty face if the rest of your body isn't young? That's like false advertising. Lol.   I think the idea of the procedure not lasting permanently is a good idea.   Especially if you have plans to turn it into a feature.  

If you don't do a rewrite and leave it like it is.  I would reconsider the title.  Your main character isn't a whore. She's just a conceited kid.

Quoted Text INT. SOFIA’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY Sofia quickly puts on her shoes and coat. She sneaks out the front door. INT. SOFIA’S HOUSE - FRONT ROOM - NIGHT Greta hears the front door slamming shut. She leaps up and hurries out of the room.

If she sneaks out the door it wouldn't be slamming shut?

I"m not saying your version is bad.  Just wanted to throw some ideas at you.

I hope I said something that helps.

All the best!

I live in hope that one day Simon will respond to the very many critics who take the time to provide feedback on a multitude of his scripts.  Sigh.  

I'll also eat my hat if ever I see Faceless Whore as a title up on a marquee.
In this #metoo environment it's not a great choice, and like Kev said not reflective of the story at all.

Lots of missing punctuation, typos i.e.,  complement should be compliment.

Great writing. The title definitely needs change, plus 'bratty teenager' could just be 'teenager'. The ending is somewhat hopeless, which is not ideal.
Keep up good work
Marcela

Hey, Simon

Clear desire. Active character in the opening.
Sofia follows, suddenly gripped with nerves.
How do we know she’s gripped with nerves, does she say anything, does she shake her head, does she pull away?

Sofia sounds too outspoken to not say anything while walking down the hall, seeing the row of girls and having a gun put to the back of her head.

The face switch is a terrifying idea, but it doesn’t come across as terrifying maybe not enough reaction.

Because Sofia goes from an active character with a clear desire to a passive one who has nothing to say about what’s happening to her, I could make the argument the real tragedy comes at the loss of her voice than her face.

What do you think about the change in her behavior?

BLB

also cosign LC comments

BLB

Quoted from LC I live in hope that one day Simon will respond to the very many critics who take the time to provide feedback on a multitude of his scripts.  Sigh.   I'll also eat my hat if ever I see Faceless Whore as a title up on a marquee. In this #metoo environment it's not a great choice, and like Kev said not reflective of the story at all. Lots of missing punctuation, typos i.e.,  complement should be compliment.

I've stopped reading his scripts for this reason. Along with the fact he never comments on others.