Sucked Dry by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - A demon keeps itself young by bedding virgins and taking their youth for itself. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Alright, I will take a crack at this one.  First, the story is interesting.  Demon "vampire", woman, who feeds on the youth of virgin boys so she can keep her young and sexually attractive self intact.  The boys she feeds on they become elderly men and they lose their youth and are forever damned to look this way for the remainder of their natural lives.  Ok.  I got it.  Not a real difficult story to follow here.

Your main character, Alex.  He's nearly 41 years old and you have him at one point sitting on a bed and playing with toys.  Why?  Is he that lonely in life and that much of a loser that he has nobody but himself to stay entertained?  I don't see this part of the story as important.  Alex is a virgin, but not a teenager.  And if he's 40 years old and has never had a woman before, I feel sorry for him.

So the Demon wants Alex because he is a virgin.  A group of elderly men want Alex to do the deed and kill the Demon with a special weapon of choice, an ancient knife, that will end her vampirism lifestyle.  Ok.  Doesn't a sharp object have to penetrate the heart of a vampire?  That is the only way to kill them, according to several historical stories about the legend of vampires.  Though she is titled as a "Demon", but she feasts on biting male necks and drinking their blood.  I'm confused as to what your "Demon" is.  Is she a vampire or is she just some demon being that likes to drink blood?  Then I guess killing her with this ancient weapon is fine.  I would think by penetrating her heart that would kill her.  Just stabbing her shouldn't end her demonic persona.

The ending is a little corny to me.  I was almost visioning the end of "Evil Dead II", where he falls into another realm, kills the beast, and everyone is cheering Ash's name at the end.  I kind of see that with your ending to this script.  The Demon is destroyed and all of her victims return to their normal lives and they regain their youthful ages once again.  Still, Alex is a 40 year old virgin, and he has teenage boys dancing around him praising him.  Something is rather unsettling here.  Sure the boys are happy that the Demon is dead, but dancing around Alex like he is their hero, I find that a little too unnerving.  Maybe it's just me.  Cheer for him, and thank him, sure.  Act like little boys dancing around a 40 year old, that just doesn't happen.

Minor grammar issues with this one.  Good story concept.  Like the Demon "vampire" woman.  I'm visioning her in see through sheer long gowns.  She would be an erotic vision for sure.  A "HAMMER" Film had a story of a woman vampire who feasted on virgin girls to keep her youth.  Like the change in your story.  Could make the ending more appealing in how Alex actually destroys the Demon.  Have an all out battle between the two of them.  You made it too easy for Alex to kill her.  She's going to fight back.  Make him earn killing the Demon.

Still, I liked the script.  Good job.