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Don
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Box by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - Two men try to bury the evidence of their brutality but the aftermath is far worse than they ever imagined. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Yuvraj
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you don for posting. Hope you guys like it.


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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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I a bit more confused in the opening then I think I should be.

I don't know what I am supposed to be seeing here:


Quoted Text
Two abominably dressed MEN


Not a clue what abominably dressed means.

Quoted Text

a BIG FLYBLOWN BOX with them.


What is a flyblown box?


Quoted Text
WREN(40s), build like an Ogre, marches towards the parapet.


Had to Google parapet. Why not just write wall - or protective wall?

Anyway - took me far too long to get out of the gates.

Not sure I quite understood the connection between the first 2/3rds of the story and the end - these dudes meet a pretty gruesome demise and then we're off with Grandpa and Granddaughter fishing -  seems to me like rather than the ending for this story - it is the start of a new one.

Hope that makes sense.



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Yuvraj
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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First off, thank you Dave for reading and commenting.

Abominably means very badly. They were dressed pretty badly. Clothes not in good condition.

Flyblown means contaminated through contact with flies and their eggs and larvae.

I tried to convey that whatever gruesome crime they did, indeed didn't stay hidden. It resurfaced and killed them. Now the grandpa and her granddaughter will uncover the truth and maybe meet the same faith. Who knows? Thinking of continuing this, should I??? BTW how's the writing??? I tried my best.

Thank you once again.


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ajr
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Yuvraj,

So your writing style is curious to me - at times it is lofty and erudite, and at other times your phrasing and syntax is awkward.  For example, you can't look at anyone with "groan".

So I like the imagery, these guys who killed someone getting infected with maggots and splinters. However it's too secretive and couched. You're not giving us enough information. Don't be afraid to let the audience in on what's happening. Better for us to be slammed over the head with it than to be confused and not know what's going on...

So the one question I have after reading this is - why did these guys wait 2 months to dump the body? I understand it serves the narrative, because it produces the maggots. But I need to know why.

Oh, and this might be the greatest line I've ever read:

"and Just the bowels
aren't giving up the last night's
lasagna. "

That's awesome. I can relate. I think my bowels are holding on to stuff from the Carter administration.

Hope this helps,

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
First off, thank you Dave for reading and commenting.

Abominably means very badly. They were dressed pretty badly. Clothes not in good condition.

Flyblown means contaminated through contact with flies and their eggs and larvae.

I tried to convey that whatever gruesome crime they did, indeed didn't stay hidden. It resurfaced and killed them. Now the grandpa and her granddaughter will uncover the truth and maybe meet the same faith. Who knows? Thinking of continuing this, should I??? BTW how's the writing??? I tried my best.

Thank you once again.


Okay - for mean I would always go with easiest understood. Rather than Abominably - raggedy, or poorly.

Never heard the term flyblown - okay

I wouldn't necessarily continue it - it's fine as a short - but if it were my script, I wouldn't end it that way.  But I am the worst to take advice on for the genre - not my competency.

The writing is improving by leaps and bounds,  IMO.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

Thank you for reading and commenting.


Quoted from ajr
So your writing style is curious to me - at times it is lofty and erudite, and at other times your phrasing and syntax is awkward.  For example, you can't look at anyone with "groan".


I wanted to go with that type of emotion when ---- imagine where you look at your family with content/happiness but at the same time you are having a fucking knee pain (a severe one) so you groan (in pain of course) ---- that was my intention. You know it is sometimes hard to describe an emotion in words, let alone a mixed bag of it. Anyways, I think I botched it.  


Quoted from ajr
So I like the imagery, these guys who killed someone getting infected with maggots and splinters. However, it's too secretive and couched. You're not giving us enough information. Don't be afraid to let the audience in on what's happening. Better for us to be slammed over the head with it than to be confused and not know what's going on...


I will take care of it.


Quoted from ajr
So the one question I have after reading this is - why did these guys wait 2 months to dump the body? I understand it serves the narrative, because it produces the maggots. But I need to know why.


It has to do with the sickness of their minds. They tortured him, mercilessly.


Quoted from ajr
Oh, and this might be the greatest line I've ever read:

"and Just the bowels
aren't giving up the last night's
lasagna. "

That's awesome. I can relate. I think my bowels are holding on to stuff from the Carter administration.


Thanks. Glad you liked it. Tell your mates about your bowels through this dialog.

Thank you once again.


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Yuvraj
Posted: June 23rd, 2020, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Okay - for mean I would always go with easiest understood. Rather than Abominably - raggedy, or poorly.

Never heard the term flyblown - okay

I wouldn't necessarily continue it - it's fine as a short - but if it were my script, I wouldn't end it that way.  But I am the worst to take advice on for the genre - not my competency.

The writing is improving by leaps and bounds,  IMO.  


Thanks, Dave.


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eldave1
Posted: June 23rd, 2020, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj


Thanks, Dave.


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MikeCashman
Posted: June 23rd, 2020, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this script.  I could see this as a "Tales From The Crypt" type production.  Two guys meet their fate as whatever they destroyed comes back and haunts them and they eventually meet their fate.  Two other individuals, the girl and grandfather, go fishing and see the remains of what was in "The Box" now is beaded into the bark of a tree.  Sure.  You could carry this further and have the girl being haunted with visions from this decaying body.  Then, again, you could have them meet their fate for discovering this body.  I am just rambling on here.

I liked it.  I would like to see it in filmed in a short.  It could be rather creepy to watch.
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 26th, 2020, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MikeCashman
I liked this script.  I could see this as a "Tales From The Crypt" type production.  Two guys meet their fate as whatever they destroyed comes back and haunts them and they eventually meet their fate.  Two other individuals, the girl and grandfather, go fishing and see the remains of what was in "The Box" now is beaded into the bark of a tree.  Sure.  You could carry this further and have the girl being haunted with visions from this decaying body.  Then, again, you could have them meet their fate for discovering this body.  I am just rambling on here.

I liked it.  I would like to see it filmed in a short.  It could be rather creepy to watch.


Thanks, Mike. I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. Also glad that you liked it.

Anything that you want me to look into? I will surely revert the favor.

Thanks again.


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MikeCashman
Posted: July 10th, 2020, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Ok.  I just read this script for a second and then a third time.  It is clearly obvious that Wren killed someone whom he felt threatened by and he also didn't want this individual near his children.  A child killer?  Kind of left this one open ended as to what the contents is in the "box".  From a reader's stand point, it contains the remains of a body that Wren killed.  A possible "child molester" or a person who killed children.  Just saying.  I have no idea.  Wren comments about keeping this individual away from his kids and that the individual got what he deserved.  So, my guess is there is the remains of a dead body in the "box".

Next your description of the possible body in the box has already decomposed.  That is factionally true.  The human body after it has died, immediately starts the decomposing stages.  So, you nailed that one.

Dale and Wren throw the "box" over the bridge and supposedly into the river below.  Well, there is no splash.  Where does the box end up?  No one knows.  It just disappeared.  Both Dale and Wren begin to have paranormal attacks on their bodies.  Wren, is attacked by flesh eating maggots.  Dale is violently attacked by various "splinters" that appear over his body.  This would obviously be the splinters from the "box", and the maggots are as well from the "box" where the decomposing body is held.  Basically, the person in the box takes revenge against both Dale and Wren.

Next, Ralph and Sindy appear on the river banks.  Sindy discovers what appears to be a body in the trunk of a tree.  Ralph, Sindy's grandfather, notices this as well.  Sindy discovers the "box" near the river bank.  Ralph can't take his eyes off of the body that is imbedded into the trunk of the large tree.  When Ralph walks away, you give the so called decomposing body some character by stating that noticeable tears fall from its eyes.  Hmm, for a revengeful individual, I don't believe I would have it shed tears unless the soul is still in the body.  At this point, I don't believe there is a soul in the decomposed body.

So, I have basically just told your story through what I think all of this is.  A vengeful being that goes after those who come in contact with the "box".  Now, Ralph and Sindy are innocent.  But because they have discovered the remains in the tree trunk and the "box", they are going to be punished for their discovery?  That's just an angry spirit then.  Dale and Wren, are believed to have taken down this individual and they paid for their acts of murder.  I call that "Swift Justice".  Somewhere in this story, there could be a news brief, maybe in the vehicle while Ralph and Sindy are on their way to the river to fish.  The news brief could mention the name of an individual who has been missing for nearly two months with no clues as to their whereabouts.

An interesting ending to this could be, if you like this then you may use it.  If not, it's all good.  Ralph and Sindy after their discovery are little unsettled over their findings.  Ralph makes a quick call to the authorities and after their arrival they discover the dead body within the trunk of the tree is the person that has been missing for over two months.  Feeling as though they helped to solve the mystery, Ralph and Sindy leave to go home.  While in the car, Ralph begins to have an itching fit on his chest.  He doesn't know what it is, maybe poison ivy.  Regardless, he continues to drive.  Suddenly, Ralph begins to scratch his face.  Sindy looks at her grandfather and sees maggots falling out of his face where he was scratching.  She screams.  Ralph stops the car along side of a dark road.  No cars in sight.  Ralph continues to be in pain as he rips his shirt open and maggots are crawling all over his skin, which has now started opening up and blood and puss is bubbling out of Ralph's open cuts.  Sindy steps out of the car with the cell phone, but there is no reception.  She doesn't know what to do.  Suddenly, there is silence.  Nothing can be heard but the sounds of nature in a nearby wooded area.  No cars on the road.  They are alone.  Sindy doesn't hear her grandfather any more.  She opens the car door and she screams in horror.  Maggots have infested Ralph's entire body.  Ralph's body looks like a science project gone wrong.  His face is nearly unrecognizable and his body is gushing blood and puss all over the front seat.  

Sindy tries again to use the cell phone to reach someone, but there are no bars and no signal can be found.  She stands outside the vehicle crying for the loss of her grandfather.  Suddenly, she feels a pain in her right index finger.  Using the cell phone light, Sindy hones in on her right index finger and sees what appears to be a piece of old wood sticking out of it.  Sindy pulls on the object and it falls free from her finger, but a small drip of blood falls from the end of her finger.  Next, Sindy feels a sharp pain in her left leg.  She looks down and using the light from the phone, another wooden object has protruded from her leg.  She screams as she tugs at it to free it from her leg.  It won't move.  As more sticks appear jutting from her body, Sindy lets out a deathly scream.  FADE OUT.

Well, that would be pretty cool.  The "box" is an evil individual who will do nothing but destroy all that encounters it.  Still, great little story here.  I could actually see this as a story on a "horror series".  Take care and keep writing.  Maybe some time we could collaborate on a story together.
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 10th, 2020, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MikeCashman
Ok.  I just read this script for a second and then a third time.


Thank you, brother, for reading the script thrice. Really appreciate your taking the time to read and comment again!!


Quoted from MikeCashman
It is clearly obvious that Wren killed someone whom he felt threatened by and he also didn't want this individual near his children.  A child killer?  Kind of left this one open ended as to what the contents is in the "box".  From a reader's stand point, it contains the remains of a body that Wren killed.  A possible "child molester" or a person who killed children.  Just saying.  I have no idea.  Wren comments about keeping this individual away from his kids and that the individual got what he deserved.  So, my guess is there is the remains of a dead body in the "box".

Next your description of the possible body in the box has already decomposed.  That is factionally true.  The human body after it has died, immediately starts the decomposing stages.  So, you nailed that one.

Dale and Wren throw the "box" over the bridge and supposedly into the river below.  Well, there is no splash.  Where does the box end up?  No one knows.  It just disappeared.  Both Dale and Wren begin to have paranormal attacks on their bodies.  Wren, is attacked by flesh eating maggots.  Dale is violently attacked by various "splinters" that appear over his body.  This would obviously be the splinters from the "box", and the maggots are as well from the "box" where the decomposing body is held.  Basically, the person in the box takes revenge against both Dale and Wren.

Next, Ralph and Sindy appear on the river banks.  Sindy discovers what appears to be a body in the trunk of a tree.  Ralph, Sindy's grandfather, notices this as well.  Sindy discovers the "box" near the river bank.  Ralph can't take his eyes off of the body that is imbedded into the trunk of the large tree.  When Ralph walks away, you give the so called decomposing body some character by stating that noticeable tears fall from its eyes.  Hmm, for a revengeful individual, I don't believe I would have it shed tears unless the soul is still in the body.  At this point, I don't believe there is a soul in the decomposed body.


Thanks, man for summing up my story. Really thanks for putting the time and effort. Little thing I need to state is that the body in the trunk of the tree aka Dale, is not dead. Dale is swinging between life and death. A miserable state quite frankly. That's why he's shedding tears(also for the fact that the grandpa-granddaughter duo found the box - the fear) but only when the spirit wants it to. But why only Dale in such a miserable state, why not Wren too? You might ask. The reason is although, clearly Wren played the major role in the torturing of the man but Dale could have stopped Wren, from going to such a horrible extent. But he didn't. Maybe he was scared too - of Wren. He is cruel. Dale just let the cruelty happen. And as it is said - the bystander is as sinful as the doer. In this case, the bystander was more sinner.  


Quoted from MikeCashman
Somewhere in this story, there could be a news brief, maybe in the vehicle while Ralph and Sindy are on their way to the river to fish.  The news brief could mention the name of an individual who has been missing for nearly two months with no clues as to their whereabouts.


Raise a really good point here. Although completely possible but I wanted to focus more on this part of the story than the point you raised. It's just about the preference point of view. That's all.


Quoted from MikeCashman
An interesting ending to this could be, if you like this then you may use it.  If not, it's all good.  Ralph and Sindy after their discovery are little unsettled over their findings.  Ralph makes a quick call to the authorities and after their arrival they discover the dead body within the trunk of the tree is the person that has been missing for over two months.  Feeling as though they helped to solve the mystery, Ralph and Sindy leave to go home.  While in the car, Ralph begins to have an itching fit on his chest.  He doesn't know what it is, maybe poison ivy.  Regardless, he continues to drive.  Suddenly, Ralph begins to scratch his face.  Sindy looks at her grandfather and sees maggots falling out of his face where he was scratching.  She screams.  Ralph stops the car along side of a dark road.  No cars in sight.  Ralph continues to be in pain as he rips his shirt open and maggots are crawling all over his skin, which has now started opening up and blood and puss is bubbling out of Ralph's open cuts.  Sindy steps out of the car with the cell phone, but there is no reception.  She doesn't know what to do.  Suddenly, there is silence.  Nothing can be heard but the sounds of nature in a nearby wooded area.  No cars on the road.  They are alone.  Sindy doesn't hear her grandfather any more.  She opens the car door and she screams in horror.  Maggots have infested Ralph's entire body.  Ralph's body looks like a science project gone wrong.  His face is nearly unrecognizable and his body is gushing blood and puss all over the front seat.  

Sindy tries again to use the cell phone to reach someone, but there are no bars and no signal can be found.  She stands outside the vehicle crying for the loss of her grandfather.  Suddenly, she feels a pain in her right index finger.  Using the cell phone light, Sindy hones in on her right index finger and sees what appears to be a piece of old wood sticking out of it.  Sindy pulls on the object and it falls free from her finger, but a small drip of blood falls from the end of her finger.  Next, Sindy feels a sharp pain in her left leg.  She looks down and using the light from the phone, another wooden object has protruded from her leg.  She screams as she tugs at it to free it from her leg.  It won't move.  As more sticks appear jutting from her body, Sindy lets out a deathly scream.  FADE OUT.


Thanks for coming up with something cool bro. Really liked what you said. Might as well ponder on this.


Quoted from MikeCashman
Well, that would be pretty cool.  The "box" is an evil individual who will do nothing but destroy all that encounters it.  Still, great little story here.  I could actually see this as a story on a "horror series".  Take care and keep writing.  Maybe some time we could collaborate on a story together.


Thanks for thinking that this is worth filming and incorporating it as horror series.

As for the collab - anytime brother.

Thanks again.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Yuvraj  -  July 10th, 2020, 5:39pm
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 24th, 2020, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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Updated.

Forgot to capitalize Sindy when first introduced. Silly me.


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