Pink Primate by Alexander Luis Rodriguez - Short, Horror - A story of man vs beast, but neither are in control… 7 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hi, Alexander,

For a new writer, your writing is good. Just a few issues.

Your character descriptions are very specific. Try to trim it down.

Are you even allowed to smoke inside a school premise?

The story was a bit bizarre. Martha disappeared but how? She disguised herself as some other person for years. It seems highly implausible. Also there is no solid ground as to why she wants to kill Perry. And why Oaks' helping her. It all seems a bit odd in terms of the story.

Anyways, that was what I honestly thought about the script. Hope you will take this in a positive way.

Good luck.    

So for the character descriptions how would you trim it down without losing interest?
They smoke once their outside in the courtyard walking down the steps.  
Oaks was supposed to be like that typical sicko partner of the main big baddie. But yeah I should really have explored his character - motivation.
I was going more for 'unique' as opposed to 'bizarre.' The Twilight Zone being my inspiration as I love psychological horror.
But yeah you're right I do need more explanation, tie up loose ends. I think I was too focused on getting to the flashback scene as I'm into those as well as story twists.
I do have another story entitled Fur and no Whiskers ( comedy/drama ). Feel free to have a read if you'd like.
Overall thank you for the help, greatly appreciated.  

Quoted from AlexanderLR So for the character descriptions how would you trim it down without losing interest?

Quoted Text Mrs. Cates, mid 20s, Drama, fiery redhead, specs, jungle pattern dress. Mr. Oaks, early 30s, IT, pale green shirt, Fritz the Cat tie, sunken eyes, rotund.

A script should be like a blue print. You need not to add extra information about anything that is not relevant to the story and especially if the info doesn't add anything.

Look at Mrs. Cates. Age is required. But what is the Drama, redhead, specs, her dress? It does not serve your story. So cut it out. And no filmmaker would go that much specific so as to get his/her actor dress, and all other accessories mentioned in the script if it serves no purpose. Filmmakers will do their best as per their budget. More like - adapt the script as per their budget. And if they see there is no need for their character to wear a jungle pattern dress, they will overlook the character description.    

Same goes with Mr. Oaks. What's with the  IT, pale green shirt, Fritz the Cat tie? Sunken eyes is understandable as it is indicative of tiredness. But other than that, nothing is useful.

So better save some space. Only write anything specific if it is extremely important or if it will serve some purpose later in the story.

I would add this to Yuvraj comments.

The reason he is suggesting trimming is not so much the length of what you wrote as the lack of character meaning. This is short enough.

Quoted Text Mrs. Cates, mid 20’s, Drama, fiery redhead, specs, jungle pattern dress.

But doesn't provide much in terms of character. vs. as an example:

Mrs. Cates(20’s), dresses like a spinster....

Mrs. Cates(20’s), a short dress that shows way too much for school....

Or whatever - i.e., what is the character trait you are trying to reveal about Cates through her clothing.

Same with the hair. Red hair tells us very little.  Messy or uncombed hair tells us more

So Mrs. Cates/Martha is a Drama teacher.
I included the jungle pattern dress as a sort of nod to her attachment to Betsy - jungle, gorilla etc, but yeah I do realise that people won't get the connection - could have been a bit more clever about it.
Mr. Oaks is the IT teacher and I wanted to paint him as a loser really - probably didn't need him at all.
I will probably come back to this story, it's just trial and error isn't it until something just clicks.
I should point out that I don't have aspirations to be a writer, I just get a buzz from storytelling.
My dream is to break into the cartoon industry - possibly Animation.
I think my Fur and no Whiskers story would work as an Animation.
Anyway, thanks again.

Yeah it does make for a more interesting read doesn't it, thanks for the tip.

Quoted from AlexanderLR Yeah it does make for a more interesting read doesn't it, thanks for the tip.

my pleasure