Naughty List by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A desperate child has an unusual request of an unusual Santa. 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thought I'd share this, written a few years ago for a producer/director but not made as yet... similar to Michael's recent (and excellent) script... I'd say great minds think alike, but I only rate one of us that highly (the one in NY!)  

Whew, brutal!

Ant, I was actually reading the other day about couples who confess they actually wish they'd never had kids - that they love them still, but that they effectively stole their freedom.

This couple fall squarely into that category, and more so... as real lowlifes - no redeeming qualities at all.
Perhaps Mom needs to be a bit more evil? At the moment she's a drunk but not terribly deserving of her fate?

This line I thought needed an add on:

Donovan shakes his head, points across the street.
Perhaps: points across the street to another house.?

DONOVAN
Not before you get your present.

This line above I'd make a bit more of with some added description cause at first I thought it may as well have been Santa's line, but it's at this point I feel Donovan has himself crossed over to the dark side.

Penumbra nice one. Had to look that one up.  

Just one last thing - maybe Donovan could be a couple of years younger - maybe seven?
I don't know at what age kids are told Santa is fiction but I'd be guessing it might be younger and younger these days, and with parents like these? Plus imho it'd make it even more sinister with your ending.

I won't say 'nice' job,   but great and memorable job all the same.

Hey Libby thanks for taking a look, appreciated as always.

Changing Donovan's age a little, yes think you are right, would work better.

Hey Anthony, I remember you mentioning you wrote something very similar to "Bastard Saint"... premise is exactly the same, but I always thought we had similar sensibilities, so I'll chock it up to "great minds...".

But... we also have different styles and I think that's what separates our stories. We went different directions w/ the "kid asks Santa to kill his dad" premise (which is oddly specific lol). I think we both went "B" movie with our choices, but yours was a little more high concept (as Dave asked about when I talked about turning mine into a feature). I usually go dryer in tone w/ my shit, even if it goes a little off the rails (which I think makes the off the rails shit more surreal).

That being said, I really enjoyed this. It was almost like seeing the other direction I could've gone... and I'm glad you chose that direction and I went mine because you pulled off that direction better than I could have. Well done, man. I'm a fan.

-- Michael

Hey Michael, thanks for having a look and commenting, glad you liked.

Here's hoping our kindred scripts get made!