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Welcome Home by Gary Parr - Short, Horror - Haunted by the past, a man returns to his childhood home to confront his fears, and lay old ghosts to rest. But the house is waiting, and it's very, very hungry. 10 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
Very first thing that jumps out at me is how bulky the action lines are. Break them up! Treat each line of prose as if it is a different camera shot in the film.
Let me give you an example. Here's your first action block...
CRAIG sits at a kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal, reading a newspaper. He is mid thirties with mousy brown hair and average looks. He gets to the property section and freezes, a spoon of cereal halfway to his mouth. Milk drips on the table.
Now here's how I would write it...
Sitting at the kitchen table is CRAIG, 34, an average-looking man with mousy brown hair. He eats a bowl of cereal while he reads a local newspaper.
Something in the property section of the paper catches his eye. He freezes in place, his spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth. Milk drips down onto the table.
See how much cleaner that reads?
You want to stay away from phrases like "We see...", unless you are using a P.O.V.
Some unnecessary descriptions, such as this...
He is wearing a shirt and chinos.
You didn't mention what Craig is wearing, so am I to assume he's naked? Of course not, but you get my point. We, the audience, assume the characters are dressed unless otherwise stated. So it's weird that you call attention to one character's clothes, but not another. Especially since those specific clothes turn out to be irrelevant to the plot.
Pages 2 and 3 are all dialog, no prose whatsoever. Throw in some minor actions for the characters during this discussion. Film is a visual medium. Watching talking heads is not entertaining. The dialog itself isn't bad, so kudos there. Reads naturally and has a good flow to it.
As Zack said, the scene descriptions need trimming, to make them brief and effective. Also, it saves space.
The second thing. Although your dialogs sound pretty natural -- for me, they were very expository.
Like: Does Craig have nightmares? Who haunts Craig in those nightmares? How the ghost haunts him? What the old man did, as a result, he is a ghost? Is Craig been paranoid?
All these questions are answered through the dialogs. No visuals. If these things were told visually, it would have been much more effective. Like through flash visions or actually making us go through his nightmare.
But the ending was visual and scary. Although, I would have loved to see some sort of foreshadowing there. It felt abrupt.
The parentheticals need to be under the name, but above the dialog. Like this...
CRAIG (firm) I'm done with you.
The Old Man has the potential to be very creepy, but the way it's written now leaves a lot to be desired.
Dialog is definitely losing its punch as we go along. It's getting very OTN toward the back half. The story seems to be rushing to a conclusion. I suggest slowing it down and letting your characters breathe a bit. Create some atmosphere, build some tension. Know what I mean?
Love the idea of the Old Man's blood staining the room forever. Great concept! Also a neat idea to have the room appear to grow larger and darker. Pretty creative.
Great visual with the children coming out of the bloodstain. Awesome visual, Dude!
And, done. Some really cool visuals, but otherwise this one needs some work. Still, not bad for a first script. Leagues better than my first attempt. I'd recommend you read as many scripts as you can force yourself to. And write. Write, write, write. Do those two things, and I promise that you will improve in no time at all.
Thank you so much for the feedback, and for the tips.
I actually had to write this piece for a screenwriting class I'm taking. It had to be about a haunted house, 10 pages long, and it had to have a gruesome climax. So, there was an element of me just trying to hit certain beats
I'm currently in the rewriting process, and you've given me lots of ideas for where I can tweak things.
Thank you so much for the feedback, and for the tips.
I actually had to write this piece for a screenwriting class I'm taking. It had to be about a haunted house, 10 pages long, and it had to have a gruesome climax. So, there was an element of me just trying to hit certain beats
I'm currently in the rewriting process, and you've given me lots of ideas for where I can tweak things.
Thanks for all your help.
Gary
Makes sense that the story would be rushed, then. Lol.
Maybe consider starting the story with Craig and Peter arriving at the house. That would give you a few extra pages to play around with and build up the horror atmosphere.
Good luck with the rewrite. If you need any help, hit me up.
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