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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Where are you?
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  Author    Where are you?  (currently 164 views)
Posted: January 10th, 2023, 4:58pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Where are you? by NZ - Short, Horror - Two friends swear they are in the same room but can't seem to find one another. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Max Ruddock
Posted: January 17th, 2023, 4:36pm Report to Moderator

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Hey NZ,

I've had a read of your script, a few times in fact, and I'm still not entirely sure I get it. First time I thought maybe they'd entered into some kind of parallel universe or something. Second reading I thought oh no wait, just a bit of confusion of who's who in the dark or whatever, and then going through it again, I thought maybe the second time I got it right, but why didn't Liam just stop running when Joseph called for him?

I don't know, maybe I'm just really stupid, but it's probably not a good sign if the reader is still unsure what's happening after a few reads.

Thing is the writing is pretty good, but I think you just need to give a bit more. In fact it feels like there was more to it, and then you got carried away on cutting out what to you might have felt like superfluous text, but actually has a place for the reader.

that said, I think it has lots of potential though.

I hope that helps.

Good luck with it.


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Posted: January 17th, 2023, 9:28pm Report to Moderator

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I had a similar experience reading your script. I think the formatting and dialogue was pretty good, you have a knack for that.

I didn't get it either. I too thought it sounded like they were on a different timeline, something the abandoned property caused (haunted?)

But, the biggest thing for me was, who needs a key to get out of a building? I don't know of any building that requires that, just for fire safety sake. So, that part of the story needs to change or have something that explains why a key is needed.

Keep writing.

Picking up hookers
instead of my pen
I let the words of my youth
fade away.

"My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys," Sharon Vaughn
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